In limbo

I keep disappearing. I can't decide what I'm doing.

Tomorrow I was supposed to 'get help' but it's been cancelled. I think because I don't seem like someone who has that severe a problem it was pushed back. It's supposed to be rescheduled for early next week but I think I want to avoid it.

In the last month I've had Shane call me out on my issues and tell me to get help. I've been eating normally somewhat, and cut out the purging. I'm staying around the same weight but I'm for sure bigger around my lower half. I've started slowly going back to the gym and doing things properly.

I just don't want to anymore. I want thin. I want that next size down on jeans. I want to be the one people say is thin, not my friend who started to get healthy and drop a ton of weight (she looks awesome! Still a few pant sizes bigger than I but I don't want her to get thinner than me... how screwed up is that!?)

I don't think I want to starve as much anymore. I don't think I can physically do it. I do stupid crazy things when I do, like binge after. I think I just need to restrict, keep calories under 800 per day and slowly up the workouts to 5 per week with lots of cardio.

It's Nov 29th today.... One year ago I was 13 lbs lighter. I can't drop that in a month but I should be able to get halfway....

Furious

My other blog (my 'real' one) just had a miserable comment left on it. Basically told me to go 'fix' myself. Really? Are you that small minded that you missed the blatant screwed up posts about not eating for several days and not wanting to and assume that my only need is for attention? I'm so happy that you are so secure in your life that you feel the need to put people down like that.

I'm livid. I'm so fed up of the complete lack of understanding, or even at this point, comprehension. Do you have any idea what it's like to stare at a plate of food and know that you can not possibly eat it. Your comments (and I use the 'your' in a very lose way) do nothing but show off your inability to process or comprehend empathy, or any emotion other than your own.

I'm fed up of people (aka my boss) at work automatically assuming that every time I have a problem it's because of food. Not the people I work with don't do their own work, or take responsibility for their own actions, no it can only be because I haven't eaten (despite the fact that often I can). It's the 'have you eaten' question I get when I become frustrated.

I'm fed up of people saying all I need is a hamburger. Yeah, coz FOOD will fix the problem I have with FOOD. I'll eat the hamburger, and if I don't throw it up, I'll not eat dinner to make up for it, and maybe nothing the day after either.

Oh, wait, you see me eating chocolate. Means everything is right in the world? Nope, means I'm probably mid or beginning a binge (chocolate always starts it) and you are unfortunate to witness it, or I'm fortunate enough that you disturbed me and I can stop.

How about all the comments you (the collective 'you') make about how fat so and so is, or how gorgeous so and so looks coz they're wearing those tight pants. Then whip around and tell me that it's not size that matters. Yeah, i'm not a toothpick, I don't even consider myself skinny. I don't even think i have an eating disorder because of that, but I recognize I have issues with food.

Do you know what it's like to look in a mirror and despite losing a ton of weight last year, only seeing fat huge me looking back? What its' like to hate how you look so badly that not only do you not eat in the hopes of losing a few pounds, if you're lucky, half an inch somewhere, you exercise like mad and exclude yourself from family and friend outings/gatherings just to avoid the food issue.

No? Didn't think so. Go crawl back under the rock you were hiding under.

Thwarted by the can opener

Got up at 8am, just in time, but later than I wanted. However, meant there was no time for food, even if I'd wanted some. Instead me and my mug of tea ran out the door. Around 10am I ate a rice cake, and once back at home avoided all food. Another rice cake around 3pm and back into town. Binged, for lack of a better word, on a bunch of trail mix (that stuff is killing me.... but I'm kinda glad its' not chocolate raisins anymore) then when I got to where I used to live, purged a massive chunk of it.

Home, did some yoga and then decided I should have soup. Except I couldn't figure out the stinkin can opener, so no soup. I did have a whole wheat bun though, but I can't have gone over 300 cals, for the second day in a row.

I was 148.9 this morning, 148.3 before the bun and tea. I think I'll do one more weight before bed then put it away for the week again. Hopefully this week is better for loss!!!! 146 by Saturday is the goal.

Help!

I don't know what to do anymore.

I got on the scale this morning and I'm 149.9.... my BMI is right on the cusp of being FAT.

This was supposed to help! I've scaled back my eating, skipped both breakfast and dinner almost every day and it's all for nothing.

I went to Zumba, got there late, jumped around in the back. Didn't have the energy or will to do too much more. Hit up Walmart, grabbed chocolate raisins to binge, walked out with shoes instead. Went to Sharens place to check on the cats and grab some of my stuff, hit up Starbucks for a coffee and came home.

Where I proceded to bawl my eyes out and have a nap on my bed. I finally showered at 3pm. It's now 4pm and I/ve only had half a protein shake for 55cals.

I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

I am not happy at the weight I am. I will not be happy until I get well below 140. I just can't seem to get there. I either starve (like I"m doing now) eat a tiny bit and waste calories on junk, or eat normal and gain.

I've got to go back to the gym regularly. Even if it's only Zumba for an hour it's still something.

After that I can't figure out the food part. Do I eat? Do I starve? Maybe if I just starved for this entire week, had a 'normal' day, then did the same the week after. If I saw a significant result maybe it'll kick start things.

I dont' know anymore. I'm miserable (and really cold!). I'm hungry for anything right now. Even steamed veggies but I'd have to go buy them and that could end badly.

Ugh.... I disgust myself.

4 Days

I'm at day 4 with no scale.... and I feel like I'm doing awesome on the limited food intake. It really is keeping me strong not knowing what that number is. Now, I'm not totally not eating, coz that would send me down stupid paths. EX: Today I had 2 cups of tea, one coffee, 1 Pepsi max, tons of water, a salad with cucumber, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, a 110 cal dressing (high but meh at this point) a bunch of pineapple, a few grapes, canteloupe and a bit of trail mix. Maybe 600 cals. The day before, maybe 600 cals, day before around 300 cals. IN all that still doing some small workouts at home.

Work has been great. HR manager was bugging me today so I spilled some beans about how my boss likes to put me down and never gives me any good feedback. Basically its killing me and he needs to stop. She promises there'll be a meeting down the line. I really hope it helps.

Supposed to go out tomorrow. Food and alcohol. I want to skip out instead.

Backfired

Shane told me to remove my scale.

I did.

Day 2 without it right now.

I ate 215 calories as I'm so paranoid about what I weigh.

To him this will have backfired, to me it's the push I needed to get back down.

I have 5lbs to lose from what I was on Sunday night to what I have to be Saturday morning. If I keep up the way I've been the last 2 days I should hit it.

Just gotta stay strong and focused.

That I Would Be Good

Even if I lost 10lbs...

From an Alanis song I got to listen to on my way home from work.

I got another interview for that job offer. Don't know if I'll do it yet. I love my job, hate my boss.

I managed to eat very lightly today but I'm pissed as I got home and I'm the SAME weight as I was before I left for the gym and work... bah!!!! I can only hope I"m down at least 1lb tomorrow. Can't afford anymore lame days.

I figured I'd have about 400cals but I did eat some trail mix. I'm hungry now but all I need is a tea or something. Too bad I gotta go to sleep.

Planning for another light day tomorrow and hitting up the gym.

Inspiration

I'm in need of it.... I've eaten 'normal' this Thanksgiving weekend, and now I feel huge. I'm still on track thought. I got my 150 by Saturday and by this Saturday have to be 148. I was 149.5 this morning, hoping for 150 by morning ( I ate a lot....) I really really need to stop this stupid cycle and FOCUS.

For tomorrow I will be eating oatmeal for breakfast, rice cakes for snack, salad for lunch, cottage cheese for pre workout and then hitting the gym. Get a 2 hr workout in, apple and protein shake, home to shower and soup. I'm thinking 800 or less calories.

See if anyone notices (aka Shane...)

Day (or two) after

Friday was crazy. I had my best friend of 10 years tell me she thinks she's gay (not that I have a problem, more like it was an insane bomb to drop. She's married with a kid..... I don't eve know how to help her) and then I go into Friday.

The car's got issues. Brakes fixed but the clutch needs replacing... Bye bye bonus.... again.

Then I go for coffee with my old old boss and she spends the entire time going on and on about a job offer she'd had that disappeared and she thinks that there's some inside issues going on, companies talking to each other... It's hard. I want to believe the best but I can't.

Then I go to meet Shane at his new gym. I go in, pay my fee and then Shane pulls me into his office. He asks me what's going on and I have no idea what he's on about. I don't even remember how he started but he goes on about my mentions of eating too much junk, then comments about wanting to throw up followed by days of super low calories. He says point blank, that it sounds like I have an eating disorder.

I almost bawled my eyes out. I didn't tell him everything by a long shot. I told him I'm not happy with me and I hate food. He's told me to start eating all my calories, to work up to 1200 calories per day and to avoid the garbage food and not have it in the house or anywhere near. He says this alone will help with the binging (anything at this point to help with the binging!).

We worked out after but I'm shaken. I don't like that he knows this much. I was hoping that I could be thinner by then. I've still got a good 25lbs to go and aiming for March to be there (about 6lbs a month.... considering I've got a goal of 8 this month I should be able to hit it). I'm going to start eating a bit more to try to curb the binges. Once that is in control I can start cutting back again and I'll deal with him as I get to that point.

Today we had Thanksgiving dinner. I ate, but certainly not as much as I did last year. I don't feel like barfing from being physically too full. Went for a walk after dinner, hoping to go for a run tomorrow ( I need more cool weather running stuffs! I only have t shirts and 3C weather is too cold!).

I hit the 1 week goal of being 150 by 1lb. Next weekend is 148 and hopefully I can be there by tuesday or wednesday. Keep ahead of the game as I know how badly this can jump up.

Thank you all for your comments :) I missed you too, and I miss PT.  I haven't been back since THIN started up so I don't know who is still on there. Let them know I still think of them and I say hi. ONce I have an antivirus back (mine expired yesterday) I'll try to stop by.

Aw crap....

I'm home.... At least my old home. I got here yesterday, went for a dinner with my friend (Boston Pizza and their 310 calorie salmon and salad dish) and spent about 4 hours talking over some pretty heavy stuff. She's pretty sure she's gay, but has a husband and kid. I'm the first person that's close to her that she's told and I told her that i"m here for support.

Today after getting my car half fixed (the other half will cost $1000 and will take much longer so I'm doing it at the end of the month when I have time and the money) and having coffee with my old boss I went to work out at Shane's new gym.

He pulls me into the office and asks how things are going. I know something is wrong. He asks me how I'm doing with food and I know he's figured it out. He wanted to know how, why, when. He said to start at the beginning which I couldn't do. He said my thoughts and behaviours are screaming eating disorder to him and I need to get help. He's told me to get someone to remove my scale, and seek a counseller. He said that I'm in a cycle. I binge therefore I starve until something snaps, and I know it'll be my health. He said I need to get to a point where I can eat 1200 calories a day, every day, which will help with the binging. I need to stay away from foods that are 'bad' for me, like chocolate, cakes etc, the stuff that I binge upon.

I cry.

He's nice about the whole thing, which makes it worse. I don't know if he feels bad or responsible which would make me feel horrible. I told him I do it as I want to be skinny, that I still feel fat, that I don't see what I've done and accomplised in the last year, the difference in weight.

We still worked out, we went to his place after. He fed my crackers, knowing that I'd only eaten oatmeal all day.

I did have dinner with my dad, we went to an Ethiopian place that I love.

I'm 149.0 this morning, up from 148.2 this morning. Still on track and ahead of schedule.

I still plan on dropping the pounds. I need to hit the gym more, like he said 2 times from mon to fri and once on the weekend. I can run/ride the other days until the weather gets bad, then hook up my windtrainer (I clip my old roadbike to it and its like a stationary bike, but my bike and no fancy gadgets). I need to, as he states, control the binging. I can't be around chocolate but I must allow myself the carbs and natural sugars on occasion.

Will I hit 1200 calories? No. Maybe one day a week, I'll call it my higher day. I used to do it all the time as it was my saturday night when i delivered pizza and had one personal pizza that night. I always dropped that weight and more by Monday.

I need to get in control of it. I'm not anymore. I have no boundaries, no rules. It's just binge and attempt to restrict, watching a number on the scale.

I don't want to disappoint him, but I must lose the fat first.

Slow Start

I hit 152.5 the next morning.... means I have to get to 138 by Dec 31st. Which would be the exact same weight I was last new years and I did that in the same time period but way too many ups and downs due to the starve/binge cycle.

I'm down to 149 this morning which is ahead of the 2lbs/week goal I set myself. However, I feel fatter. I've been neglecting my workouts and it's probably muscle mass I'm losing.

I need to find my focus again, my constant pre-occupation with not eating much compared to my constant thoughts of food I can not eat. I wouldn't have dreamed of eating chocolate this time last year! It needs to go away! The occasional bread/muffin will be allowed for the metabolism boost thing but that's about it.

Tomorrow and Friday are no chocolate days. Saturday will be permitted.

Going home after donating more time to work tomorrow. Home as in the 2 hr drive south, hopefully it won't snow (we had a forcast today, but it didn't so far!). Gotta go get the stupid car fixed.

I'm so exhausted. So tired.

Thanks for your comments :) I need the motivation :)

Aloha!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack......

An unplanned vacation? Life changing experiences? One crazy twist and turn after another on the emotional rollercoaster that is life?

I managed to open the store. I almost quit my job twice, I've moved and made other changes in my life, but still I am not happy with who I am physically. I attempted to starve my way into nothing, which caused the first instance of me trying to quit my job. I also didn't drop very low at all. I've eaten tons of garbage food this past week and planning on getting back 'on track' tomorrow.

October 1st.

I will be 15lbs lighter from tomorrow morning by Dec 31st. Screw the gaining muscle, I want skinny. I'll get lean later.

Obviously, I'm hoping I'm 150 tomorrow, but I doubt it, given the way I have eaten today. I would like to see sub 140 by Christmas. I did it last year after much starving.... I can do it again.

Plans:
To still eat. When I don't things get stupid.
To have one cheat per week. Not go crazy, just one cheat.
Cut back on carbs, keep protein up but not high.
Add back in the salads.
No problems with soup.
No drinking calories

Goal number one: 145 by October 31st. (will be revised if I hit that early)

Tomorrow will take measurements.
Will use my fitnesspal to log EVERYTHING eaten.
Stay under 1000 cals unless it's a cheat.
One day under 500 cals.
2 L water per day.
Weights at least twice a week, cardio at least 5 times a week (weather dependant.... it's gonna get nasty soon!). Eat more on days I workout.

Sound good?

Oh how I missed this.

I will be skinny.

I will be thinner.

I will be able to have control over myself.

I'm still employed!

I don't think they'd fire me. I'm pretty sure they legally can't but i'm still at this store. I finished a few tasks that only I knew how to do for the new store. I'm still paranoid that they'll pull me. The HR manager will be there tomorrow so if it's going to happen, tomorrow will be it.

Overall not a bad day today. I gained over the last few days. I was 143 on Sunday, 145 this morning, 146.5 right after dinner. I feel gross. Shane promises me I will drop again this week and more. I think I need to cut back on the couscous....

I think it's fixed?

Blogger that is... We'll see at the end and if you folks could comment and let me know? Yesterdays is still screwed.

Got up late today and barely made it to work on time. Took oatmeal and the powder for a protein shake to work as I didn't have time beforehand. I did eat it, and was the only manager on. I ran around like crazy and was trying to get some HR shit done by sending a text to my HR manager. She missunderstood and then when I tried to explain she basically blamed it all on me and point blank asked if I'd eaten yet.

Fuck.

This is how my life is going to be now?

I can't fuck up, I'll lose my job. So, I'm going to follow this food plan so I can drop the fat pounds, and look skinnier overall. Then when they all leave me alone, stop eating again. I should be able to hit 135 doing it the proper way, plan to do it by the end of August. Then 130 by end of Sept. Yeah, sounds like a loooooooooooooooong time but given that i've spent the last 6 monhts bouncing around 140-150 I'll take the long go.

Tomorrow is the day I feared. I do expect to be pulled from the store. They're not letting me do a H+S meeting tomorrow, and there will be people in the store. I will hide. I just have to make it through the end of the day. If they boot me, starving is ahead.

Where to begin?

I posted last on Tuesday.... Wednesday things went off the rails.

It got a bit crazy at work, I maybe skipped a few meals and went straight from 12hr workdays to 2hrs at the gym, barely getting more than 4 hrs sleep. I was a bit distracted, tired, confused, sluggish. I was told to eat several times by my boss and ignored him all times.

Thursday all hell broke lose. We had more trucks, more things happening, construction workers and tradesmen running all over the place, stock piled up, staff asking millions of questions etc. I kept being told to go eat, then to go home but as I argued, I was in the middle of soemthing. By the time I was told to go home, I could drive home and back with a full 30 min at home... not going to. So I stayed and got bitched at some more. At the end of the night was talked (my boss and I) through email and he basically told me to get my shit together, and if he didn't see improvement there would be consequences.

I spent half an hour in my car bawling before coming upstairs.

On Friday we talked, outside, just the two of us. He told me he called my HR manager, that he's worried about me doing things like driving, working etc. Giving my keys out and then losing them was freaking him out as it's not like me and a sign that I need food. He's not going to baby me but I needed to fix a few things. He needed me to have a plan by Sunday and pulling me out of the store could be a consequence. I had a minor panic attack at that.

On Saturday I got to work at 2pm and we sat in the office and talked. He and my HR manager want me to get counselling. I also need to eat. I need to show improvement in my attitude (ex energy levels as he says my attitude is far better when I do eat. He claims he can see a switch when I don't eat as things start to go downhill) and in my work.

I agreed. Can't really do much else.

He was nicer. Halfway through the day, instead of hounding me and making public comments he mimed eating. I had a few bites in the office of my lunch and did some work, he consistently coached me to eat a bit more, bites at a time. It didn't feel like too much work at that point.

I talked to my HR manager and she's insisting I get councelling, which I don't want. Again I said I would. I will. I'll go to one, then never again.

What's next? I have no fucking clue.

I'm paranoid that they'll pull me out of the store. They (as a company) don't do any of that stuff on friday, saturday or sunday, same with firing people, so I'm terrified for monday and tuesday. I know the district boss is out of town on monday so now I'm all wired up for tuesday.

And I don't mean I"m a little worried. I'm PARANOID!!! I'm at the point that I bet it will show at work how stressed I am. I have to eat now. I need this job. I worked so hard for this new store too that I can't throw it away. If they move me I'll lose it. I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know what to do now. i have to pretend that everything is perfect. I have to keep my job. I can't overeat, I need control. It's not even about a number on the scale anymore, it's just about the control.

That's my last week...

I hope I've fixed the commenting thing. I guess I'll find out as soon as I try to post this thing.

Oh, and as an added bonus I lost 7lbs this week....

Edit: Still can't post properly. :(

BUSY

Had a fantastic weekend. Just moved into the new store today. First official day is tomorrow (key turnover is tomorrow)

Life is nuts. I'll update as I can (and blogger is being a piece of shit too...)

First time!

I actually dripped sweat at the gym today. I know, gross but I NEVER drip! I don't think I ever have!

I was 145.5 this morning.... I can't believe that! I was 147.5 when I got home from the gym so I'm not too pleased with that but hopefully it will go down overnight. I'd appreciate 146 by morning.

Work was ok, gym was good. Got invited to the 6:15pm spin class tomorrow. Get the feeling I'm a gonna die!

Heading into work early so I can leave early and mabye do some weights beforehand. Do the 45min of spin and be done for the day. 7pm heading home sounds good.

Made plans for Saturday, gonna see Shane :)

I need that number to go down otherwise I'll start losing faith. That or I need it to start being noticable fat loss....

I still can't post properly, wonder if that's affecting how comments are working. Blogger pisses me off.... I'll email them if it still isn't working tomorrow.

I dunno

Anymore....

I ate today. I forced down the plain oatmeal, couldn't fit much in. Got the eggs down too... By the 11am meal I was full. I sat at the desk curled over, my stomach aching. My boss, who knows about the purging, asked me if I was ok.

Telling people was a massive relief but it's going to be a giant pain in my ass.

I made it thru the day. I did splurge on a tall sugar free vanilla bean latte with non fat milk. Apparently 150cals? I went to the gym despite feeling exhausted.

But I did it. I'm lower than I was yesterday and hopefully by tomorrow I will be the same weight I was last week. I have to make sure I'm recording the weight every day.

Getting easier

I ended up talking to two more people today that I wasn't planning on. The girl I spoke to told me that she too has suffered. When she was 8 she just decided that she didn't want to eat anymore and ended up being anorexic for 3 years.

I ate a burger today. Skipped one of my meals to do so.

Hit the gym, lame leg day and zumba. I'm just so tired.

It's 1030pm and I may just go to bed.

Cheat day

Figured I'd have my cheat day on Sunday, today, just so I can get into a rhythm and gives me will to survive this for another week.

I had my eggs and oatmeal for breakfast and left for the new church with a black coffee and 2 rice cakes.

I had decided my cheat day would begin after that with a salad from the Co-op Salad bar and some chocolate covered raisins and would end with that.

I went a bit stupid. I ate a salad, chocolate covered raisins, bridge mix, shrimp rolls (only 1), almost an entire bag of marshmallows, a ton of banana bread and my dinner as per the plan minus the almonds.

I was 147.5 this morning, 149.5 now. I just have to remember what Aaron said. You don't gain 2lbs of fat overnight.

Tomorrow is back on the plan. And back to work. I'm happier with a few things, but others still piss me off. That asshole I got into a fight with last week still hasn't talked to me and I still plan on avoiding him. Feeling left behind this week as the rest of them (others in my position in other stores) are out East for a big meeting. I'm still pissed, and no one seems to give a damn. I'll just let it fester.... I know that's bad but right now I don't care.

Have plans for the weekend already, then work will be even more retarded.

Bed.... Early up to eat all that damn food!

And WTF is with blogger? I can't use the editing features (like using the spacing format so I don't get paragraphs all bunched together all retarded) and I can't post. I have to save the draft, then go into edit posts and publish by clicking on the draft and the 'publish' button... BAH!!!!!

Sucess!!!

Today was good! I was 1.5lbs less than yesterday (water weight I bet....) and then started eating. Had to take off early to help with the garage sale but I got both parts of breakfast in before hand.

Other than the specific times, I stuck to the diet sheet. With the exception of the extra protein shake and the 3-6-9 fish thing I'm supposed to take (240 cals per serving!!!). I ate 1310 calories. I"m kinda floored. I even got hungry between meals, and feel full now. I'm 149.0 before my tea, so I could lose again tomorrow.

Good workout in also. Did it right, with the cardio after weights. After the gym hit up Stupidstore and bought tons of chicken/turkey/sole/salmon along with veggies, oats and NO SHIT FOOD!!!

I'm well and truly tired now.

Cheat day tomorrow, and cardio day. It's more of a cheat half day, so I get to eat until I do the cardio then eat the new normal diet for the evening.

I'm thinking chocolate covered raisins.....

Kes and Nasimiyu, I had a heck uv a time trying to comment last night. I finally managed to comment on one blog but it took several loggings in and out. Also couldn't format my own post, same with now. I can't highlight anything. Thank you both for your comments :) I'm still desperate to lose weight but I really don't want to purge anymore. I don't want that to be part of my life.

Friday...

I freaked out on blogger yesterday. I wrote two very long posts and they both somehow ended up erasing as I was formatting.... then seconds after the letters deleted, blogger saved the new draft as blank.

I almost cried.... lie. I almost put my fist through my laptop screen.

Yesterday was hard. I told two people I work with about my b/p tendancies. One was my boss and he pretty much knew already.

Why did I do it? I don't know. Part of me is fed up of looking at a plate of food and either going overboard or refusing to eat at all. I want to be lean and fit. Aaron, the new trainer, has given me a diet. I just need to follow it.

Today was a fail on that but a success this evening. I ate chocolate raisins and then tried to purge... mostly water came up. I did however make the quinoa and had salmon and veggies for dinner after a good workout.

I was 150 this morning, but 149.5 now. I need to follow this. I need to do this. A month. I can make it a month. Drop 10lbs of fat, get leaner. Give it a try. 135 doing it the right way instead of the last 6 months of failing to do it the wrong way?

Tomorrow is the church's garage sale and I'm there at 9am. Leave the house by 8:30am. I wanted to run but I don't know if I'll have time. I have to be up at 7am to run, and then only go for 30 min. I may do it, just as a trial. Go to the gym after the garage sale. I've got my food prepped so I can try to follow the diet. I need to go buy a bunch of stuff too. Fish, and chicken being the big ones, and more quinoa.

I get a cheat day. I may make it Sundays. I may eat chocolate raisins.....

I have the plan...

And it's scary. 1700 cals per day. That's a pretty intense amount of food!

I thought about starting tomorrow. I still haven't decided. I may go into work early and give my poor legs a break, eating, but eating lightly tomorrow? Finish off what I can't eat on my new plan.

Got in a fight at work, as in a yelling match with one of the other managers. He's an idiot. I have no idea why he's in our team. I am not his paper bitch. I am his equal (though as he's 'acting' technically I'm above him in the heirarchy.) Not worth my time or effort.

I'm tired.... I'm going to hurt tomorrow.

Turn of events?

I met the new trainer today. It was hard admitting to the food issues, but I did. He took it seriously. He's still willing to take me on though, but not right away. He's busy with some other girls for contest prep so it would be late August. Which is fine for me. I am paying him for one diet. $50 for one plan. To try.

His concern is the 'cheat days' and if I'll know how to stop or when to stop. Also if I've ruined my metabolism how long it will take to recover it.

He says I can do it. Due to my big legs (thanks speedskating....) I need to focus on bulking up the upper body and ignoring the legs to lose some of the bulk. Also, a massive focus will be to make me lean. AKA lose the chubb. Which I am fine with. I can work with that.

I'm 146.5 this morning. I told him 146.0. He wants me at 135 by the end of August. I'm a ok with that! It's what I've wanted for months. He's giving me a diet that I have to follow to a 't'. It's going to be high protein, controled carbs. I'm going to try it, even though right now the idea of eating that much is terrifying.

I have to wait until I see it, which will be tomorrow.

I made a new blog. This one will be me. The real me, not the online me. It will ONLY be about my attempt to do this contest thing, food and exercise blog. No b/p reports etc as this may be made public. I'll link it here once things get going, but it's not a blogger blog.

After leaving the new gym I discovered it seemed very dark outside. Grabbed my camera as I left and snapped a few shots:

Yup, that's a funnel cloud on the left. What a beauty!!! Hard to believe this was around 7pm. It poured, it hailed, thunder and lightning. I ended up pulling over as the visibility was shit and the roads were starting to flood. Still got a severe storm watch hanging over us despite the clear skies. Humidity is super high and you never know what will blow up overnight. What happens when you go from 30-15C in an hour.

Golfing sucked. I hated it. Photos are terrible, I look massive. Stupid giant legs. Group ended up being split up so I felt left out again. But whatever. I was in my element later despite being snubbed continually. Fuck 'em all. I'm going to prove that I can do this, that I am the best despite the shit I have to deal with.

Watching Gilmore Girls (again ) and it's the best episode, the one where Luke and Loralai kiss <3

Ah, Monday

Today was a good day, again. I ate quite a bit, but it wasn't too bad. 146.5 this morning. I had my half an oatmeal, salad, 5 m&m peanuts, half a yogurt, a souvlaki thingy from Opa (chicken, salad and pita bread) and then hit the gym.

It was fucking roasting today.33C!!!! Zumba had me soaked and I don't sweat! (to clarify, no beads of sweat, I was just fairly damp. I almost took off my top layer... I wear two shirts, a sleeveless sports top and a very thin almost sleeveless top over that. Did a leg workout, maybe 2hrs total?

Hit Stupidstore on the way home for a collared shirt for golfing tomorrow. Ended up with almond bark, caramel balls, and trail mix...Ate all of that and then couldn't finish my soup. I was 147.5 pre soup, no idea what I am now.

I'm meeting with a potential new trainer tomorrow. He knows the Zumba instructor (she reccomended it) who knows about my food issues. She told me I have to tell him, up front, and he may or may not take me on due to that.

What do I say? I binge, I purge, I hate that I do either. I restrict, I over exercise, I don't eat at times, I can't stop myself at others. I hate my body, I hate the way I look, I will never be thin enough. I will always find fat.

I want to do this. I want to do this fairly rightly. I want to get my eating under control and lose weight smartly and gain muscle. If I can get to 130 by doing it the proper way I'd be content (but for how long?).

I'm terrified. I don't know what he'll say. I don't want to hear that he won't take me on, that I can't do this, that he doesn't reccomend I do this. What do I do then?

6pm tomorrow. I'll find out.

I haven't told Shane either. I feel terrible, almost like I'm cheating on him. Even though we have no idea if he's going to be training again, and is it really practical for me to be driving 2hrs south every month to see him? How efffective is that?

I miss him. I miss his friendship, his advice, his humour. I miss seeing him. I miss just being around him.

Fuck. I'm useless.

Last Lazy Day

At least for a while. I really did almost nothing. I've spent the last 8hrs sitting on my bed watching Gilmore Girls and playing computer games. I ate....but not too badly. I had cereal, a good sugar free organic type, coffee with splenda, then around 2pm a salad with lettuce, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumber and tuna. I did eat some chocolate raisins but that and the lone oreo were all.

I was this morning (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!) and I was 147.5 last time I checked... Dare I hope for 146.5 tomorrow?

Tomorrow I'm doing a leg day. First one in a while, and I'm doing a full out one. Means I need some fuel in me.

Oatmeal for breaky, tuna salad for lunch, yogurt, fruit for snacks. For dinner, leftover soup. Hit the gym, warm up, do the leg workout and cooldown with Zumba (or go back to legs after... have to see how work goes)

Last day of the Stampede today. Fireworks haven't gone off yet and it's 11:21. Last night it was nuts. Fireworks then a few cracks of VERY close lightning. Wouldn't mind tonight being similar. It's so crazy hot that a good storm would cool things down nicely. I'm never going to fall asleep.

Nasimiyu, thanks :)

First Saturday....

It's been a while. Today was the first Saturday that I haven't gone home, that I haven't volunteered, that I've had the day almost all to myself.

It was glorious.

:

I dragged my ass out of bed at 830am and quickly debated hitting the 9am Zumba class. Got there 10min late but the instructor spotted me anyways so I joined in. Had fun, worked up a sweat (as much as I can... it's really annoying to hear 'you're not even sweating' when I pretty much don't sweat. I don't think I've ever had a bead of sweat form, or drip down me.... ) Worked on abs, biceps, triceps, lats. Felt good.

Got my hair cut. Went back to the awesome place I went to last time. It's an older African-American woman and I think her husband that run the place. She's very friendly and I love how old school this place is. While I was in there two men came in for a shave from her husband. I don't think I've seen that since I moved to Canada! Well worth the $30 haircut!

Once home I had scrambled egg whites and cleaned the house.

I was 147.0 this morning. I was 146 after the gym.

Went grocery shopping and ate trail mix, chocolate raisins and a bunch of other shit. I also bought that spicy cheesy dip for chips. I ate half the jar..... Last time I checked I was 148, probably 149 by now.

So, fail on day 2 of 500 in 5 or 5. I need to be 147 by morning to be on track. That, or starve until I can get to 146 by Monday morning...

Other than that, I've chilled out at home, done laundry, ate far too much... blah blah blah... I'm still trying to wrap my head around finding a new trainer. I emailed the one reccomended but haven't heard back yet.

Tomorrow I'm hitting the 'new' church for the 10am service, then head home. It's supposed to thunder tomorrow and given the last few pedictions have fallen flat I should be safe to hit the trails and go for a ride (meaning that it will probably storm). Fix my flat tire, go for a ride... then just chill, or play guitar... or something.

My leg hurts and I don't know why. It's been a while since it's hurt. Perhaps I should try that cream?

Day one!

149 I think this morning. I can't remember. It may have been 149.5 (more likely). I can't find my damn notebook which is very concerning as it's got EVERYTHING in it. It's not at work, I know that. It's got to be at home here somewhere.

So by Tuesday morning I need to be144.5lbs.

Today was meh. Got a ton of shit figured out at work, ate wor wonton soup, not the broth but I have no idea on calories. (tons of veggies... maybe 300 cals?). I also ate some cherry tomatoes, dried apricots, one turtles, and 3 oreos. I'll have some tea so not 500 cals, but I'm hoping it's not over 800 cals.

Heard from Shane again. He's calling it quits. I need to find a new trainer. I'm miserable and I feel like the rug under my feet has been yanked away. I will miss him. I don't know that we will stay friends. When I'm down next I will harass him out for a coffee or something, just to see how things go.

Went to the gym, did the private Zumba class. After she gave me the card of a trainer at another gym, someone who knows about bbing. She also told me I need to tell him about my food issues. She doesn't know I restrict, she only knows that I binge/purge on occasion and am trying to stop. I get the feeling from her that if I tell the truth I won't be 'taken' on as a client. I will try, but if he won't take me, I'll find someone and not tell them about that part of me.

And as fucked up as this is... the 500 for 5 in 5 should be going well. I'm 148 right now, so a loss of 1.5lbs already plus a probable .5lbs by morning.

Havent' decided if I will go for a run or hit the super early 9am Zumba class....

Either way I'm tired and am going to crash.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand BINGE!

Another day.... work was work. I got to see my old boss and kinda unload on her. She's not happy with how things have gone but hopefully as the district managers return from all their vacations things will look up a bit. For now I will continue to try to be perfect.

And I fucking binged. I hurt from yesterday so decided to skip the gym and instead hit Stupidstore for a nice binge. Oh, also found a fish and chip shop in town (considering I'm an ex-pat finding a chippy here i very difficult as I'm incredibly particular) that actually tastes not too bad. Which of course is a bad thing.

I was 147.5 this morning. I'm 150.5 now.

Next plan is to do 500 and 5 in 5.

500 cals max ever day for the next 5 days and a minimum weight loss of 5lbs from what ever I am tomorrow morning. Zumba tomorrow, run on Saturday, run or ride on Sunday, gym monday and tuesday.

Done. Last binge today for the summer. I am getting THIN as of now!

Kes: Thanks :)

Wander: Try a Zumba class! It's so much fun! I go in track pants and a tshirt coz I'm self conscious. Just try it once. If you hate it, don't ever go back. But you may surprise yourself. I sure as hell did. Have a FANTASTIC trip!

Came back from vacation to find new followers :) Yay! And HI!!! *waves*

I swear I'll catch up on blogs tomorrow.

BAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

What a weekend!!!! Here's the down-lo!

Saturday I packed and hit the road. Got to town later than I wanted, but it wasn't too late. No appointments available for getting my hair cut so I bought jeans instead. Finally managed to comfortably fit into a 29! First time I can remember. Next up, the 28's...need to lose some fat on my ass and legs first though. Went grocery shopping for the camping trip, grabbed a bunch of chocolate munchies but I didn't eat more than a few pieces of it. Got to my parents just in time to change, pick a few pieces of lettuce off the salad I brought and hit Shanes.

We went to the local park and had a training session outdoors. First time I've ever hung from the monkey bars by me knees before! It wasn't too much hard work, mighty warm though. After we sat on the grass and hung out for a bit. Saying goodbye outside of his place I got another of his awesome hugs. Most of the time I get a hug that's a half hug from a guy, one of those 'friend' slap you on the back kind of hugs, but Shane's hugs are epic. It's the full on hug, my head on his chest, both arms around my back, mine around his. No back slapping involved. Yes, I'm over detailing this as it's one of the very few times that I ever receive a proper hug from someone I don't mind it from. Anyways, we stood outside and chatted for a bit then I finally said I had to bail as I was meeting someone else. He stuck his hand out behind him and i grabbed it. It was just a wierd moment, but cool all the same.

Raced home, showered, and headed out to meet a new friend. She's a bodybuilder, competed last week and is competing again in another weekend, also uses the same trainer as I. We sat, we chatted, we drank coffee. She's in incredible shape. I would love to look like that. It takes some serious work, a super strict diet but damn it would be worth it.

Sunday morning, got up, prepped the food, and hit my friends house. We loaded up the car and off we went. Started off by almost fighting over McDonalds breakfast. I didn't want it, she did. I ended up eating A&W lunch instead. And that began the destruction.

I ate all night, fresh food and shit food. In the morning I managed a 10 minute run. My friend wasn't too happy. I didn't want to drink, smoke etc. I just am not that person anymore. We figured it out enough to go horseback riding and got to see an eagle fight a hawk over prey. We had a fantastic time.

Tuesday we headed home and got ink along the way. All this weekend I've been contemplating the bbing thing. I mean, it's hard core exercise. It's a VERY strict diet. I certainly wouldn't go for the most musclar category, more like bikini or fitness, and they only look like that until their dark spray tan washes off, have a drink of water (they dehydrate for a day or so before), and they eat a real meal. It's nutritional hell from what I hear. I want to do it. I want to try it. Maybe, just maybe I can be comfortable with my body. Maybe this will help?

Today I hung out at home, laundry etc until about 3pm before heading into work. I'm still bitter. I"m still pissed, I will just hide it and use it to fuel me as there won't be calories fueling me, or not that many.

Hit the gym, double class. It was awesome, got a nice sweat worked up. The instructor is one of the few people I've told in my life that I want to try bbing (Shane, the new friend I made on Saturday and my parents being the others), and she's also one of the even more exclusive members of the group that knows about my food issues. She let me know she's got someone in mind to train me but I wasn't able to talk to her much more after that.

I dunno. Part of me is horrified at finding a new trainer as it feels disloyal, however, I will need someone. I also got a message from my old trainer today and I feel like he's giving up on his new gym. He could be having one of his moods though, I can't tell from 2hrs drive away.

Anyways... I got down to 142.8 on Sunday morning. 148.5 this morning (after laxatives Tuesday night). I was 149.5 last time I checked, so I can only hope for 148.5 again. Got a lunch that I think is more of a pry session than two old co-workers getting together, gonna aim for salad and hit the gym after. No dinner of course. Back to trying to starve off the pounds.

Bed... work tomorrow.

TFIF!

It wasn't a bad day... overall. 143.5 this morning. Work was ok too. Just me and my boss, no one else. I got a bunch of stuff accomplished, and a few other things.

My boss made mention of my 'medical' condition that has me running to the bathroom every '10 minutes'. He jokingly asked if it was a bladder infection, I laughed and said no (coz it isn't). I think he knows. I'm scared he knows. But part of me is relieved he knows.

I had lunch with him today. I ate Opa, greek salad, pita bread and souvlaki. It was yummy. I ate it all. Felt terrible after.

After work I hit up the Zumba class. I love the friday one. It's supposed to be invitation only with punch cards you pay for. The instructor has invited me a few times. I've offered to pay for the class and she's brushed me off more than once. I went, I had fun, I really enjoy the class.

She knows that I have purging tendancies. I was sick, she asked, it felt good to tell someone. But I told her I was 'recovering' which I guess is half-assed truthful. I don't want to be binge/purging. I'd rather restrict. After the class was done and I was leaving the changeroom she asked if I was feeling better. I wanted to cry. I am. Kinda. I didn't binge, but I ate more than I wanted too (fucking pita). I told her it's harder some days than others, again the truth.

So here I am. Friday night. Sitting at home with the Stampede happening mere blocks from where I am, instead watching Gilmore Girls waiting for my laundry to be done.

Tomorrow I go home for a bit. I want to be up by 8am, on the road by 10am, home by noon. Shop for the camping food, go to the folks house to prepare it, and the meet Shane for a glorious outdoor workout. I'm very excited :) Once that is over I'm meeting a very new friend for a coffee, sit in the sun and watch the cars go by. She's a female figure competitor so I'll feel horribly fat next to her, but it's motivation, right?

Food tomorrow? Oatmeal for breaky (though I'm contemplating having some scrambled eggs instead?) and a Starbucks on the way out as I'm a dumbass and forgot to buy milk. Lunch? Not sure I had one planned but I may pick up a salad at Stupidstore or something. Dinner? No plans. Was planning on skipping.

After that it's going to get a bit scary. Sunday morning, oatmeal as usual (or yogurt one of the two) and then off to pack up the car. I've managed to arrange the diet to be mostly fruits and veggies and I'll restrict on snacks. I plan on doing as many little workouts as possible. Pushups, situps, crunches, jumping jacks, light jogging, yoga, bodyrock exercises, ANYTHING to burn calories. I'm hoping to return at 146.0 or less.

Then I will return to starving.

I will try to blog tomorrow, but will be at my parents.

This will be the LAST of the damn food related things for the summer. I can starve down. I can hit my goals and keep dropping.

Welcome to my summer :)

Yeehaw?

I forgot about Stampede. Kinda. I'm not sure I really care. It's cool that Kate and Wills are here and I'm digging the fact that I get to see the 20yr old Olympic Flame lit from my bedroom window. The fireworks are kinda cool too. But that's about all. Next year I'll go down in short denim cut off shorts and a tiny little cowboy shirts coz I'll be thin enough to.

I was 143.5 this morning. I feel thinner. I ate too much chocolate after work though after eating almost nothing all day. I'm around 144.5 now. I can only hope for 143.5 tomorrow. Zumba tomorrow after work, followed by shopping and hardcore packing. I'm with my GM so plans for as little food as possible and max out the coffee.

mmmmm Starbucks....

Today was strange at work.... the HR manager was working out of the store and I didn't want to deal with them at all given how horrible the last few weeks are. I ended up having to, and totally not telling her much. Just enough to get them off my back for a bit. I need new pants though. They're folding over and you can totally see the weight loss (given that once upon a time I could barely fit my fat ass into them). I will do right before we open the new store though as during the construction phase it'll be dirty and dusty.

I got to go in my new store today, that was cool. It's still a contruction zone so it's not like its for anyone to go in. I'm pretty stoked.

This weekend isn't bugging me as much anymore. Our menu is disgustingly healthy, we've barely gone over crap food except for smores. I plan on doing bodyrock workouts a well as a few laps of the campground each morning (if I can get it around my friend). To add to that I can always starve next week. Planning on taking the last of the laxatives the moment I get back to town on Tuesday night too so that will help.

After that, no more excuses. I have no more 'things' planned. I can just drop and drop and drop. I should be able to drop to below 140 by the end of the month :)

Zumba!

Went back to the gym today, went on the bike for 15min and then an hour of Zumba. Skipped the muscle pump class, I was super tired and I really don't want to overdo it.

Hit the doc today. I'm almost at a sinus infection but not quite so no antibiotics but a nasal spary instead... oohhhh yummy /sarcasm.

Work was fine. Still got a little annoyed but hid it well. Was not quite the perfect manager but was happy and pleasant all the same.

Got up late so I didn't do the bodyrock workout, trying again for tomorrow. I don't have to work till noon but I'll be going in about 2 hrs earlier. Also may see one of the district people I really don't like at the store I'm at so we'll see how that goes...

Food wise today it was ok. I ate so little until I got to the post gym where I ate chocolate covered raisins, ju jubes and slowpokes. Blech! I purged a teeny tiny amount, but I was 144.5 last time I checked. Can I hit 142 by the weekend?

Going back to my Gilmore Girls marathon (so lame, I know ;p)

Night!

Fuckin Perfect

I wasn't aiming for perfection. I wanted thinner. I thought 140 would be an awesome goal to aspire for and didn't think I'd get there. Hitting 150 was a huge accomplisment, especially as people started asking questions around then, questionning if I was eating enough, working out too much...

I passed 140 at one point. I actually got into the 130's. According to that scale. Not sure I believe those numbers now.

I've binged and bounced around these last few months and while that has gone shit, my life has fallen apart a bit. I've struggled at work, been cranky, not getting things done, failing. My personal life hasn't been great. I'm even more alone than normal. I come home, I don't talk to the lady I live with. I don't hang out with friends. I don't go out. I haven't even been to the gym in 2 weeks.

I miss my friends back at home, but only some of them. I really miss a few.

I don't know how close I got to losing my job in the past few weeks, but there's been talk. I sat down with my boss today and he discussed it. I tried not to cry, and while I got upset, I didn't actually cry. I'm sill not happy with the way some things have gone down but I can vent my frustration here and not at work. He wants the me he's heard so much about to come back, I do too. Today was a return to that me, the more perfect me.

The me that doesn't yell at people for stupid little things. The me that has the answers, who controls the crowd. The me that people listen to, they come to me because they know I have the right answer, not some bullshit one.The one that can be depended upon. The one in control. The perfect one.

I'm still sick. I still have the cold. Massive overdose on vitamins last night helped but I'm still a bit stuffed up and have no voice but I think I managed to avoid the cough. Skipped the gym again tonight, but going back tomorrow. Got Zumba and the Muscle Pump class. I'll be out till 9. First real workout in 2 weeks.

However I need to step it up. I checked out some of the workouts on bodyrock.tv and have a few ideas. I'm hoping I can do some of them tomorrow morning before I shower. This way I can do a good workout, heavy on the core, and a quick workout before going to work, then hit the gym later on. I envision lots of running in my future.

Where am I going with this?

There's so many blogs, posts, threads out there going on about the quest for perfection, the drive to be perfect. I never wanted perfect. I just wanted thinner. Now I want thin because it is perfect. I don't eat, things go better. I have control. Life ticks along almost the way I want it to.

You know that song by Pink, Fuckin Perfect? That's where todays blog title comes from. It's totally about the opposite of what I want. The song is saying you are perfect, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Why is the opposite of what I want is the song stuck in my head?

I don't feel like I make sense, even to me. I can only say that today was good. It wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but it was a giant leap in the right direction. Tomorrow will be better. I ate probably close to 350 cals today, maybe less. No chocolate, only real sugar was the strawberry I ate. No candy. No nothing bad. It feels great.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt some of the exercises from the website in the morning then head into work by 9am (or earlier). At work, no food until at least 2pm, save the yogurt for the pre gym snack. Of course being perfect at work. Hitting the gym for Zumba, try to stay for the muscle pump if I'm up for it. I should be ok though.

I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm trying to be me, with a grain of perfection in there.

Back to me

I was 147.5 this morning, not happy about that. I think I'm 147 now so should be 146.5 at least by morning.

Fuck the cold, I'm going back to the gym. No cardio, don't think my lungs could handle it, but at least if I get an hour of weights in I'm doing something. Might help with the crankiness too.

Speaking of which, today I was perfect me at work. I was pleasant, co-operative, docile. Even as I'm being excluded on the trip East which is for business purposes, and every other manager in my position will be there, but not me. I'm pissed. I am one of the few that will actually go to learn something but they can't open their eyes long enough to see that. Or to be accurate, no one will open their ears long enough to listen to me. But I've been over that. It's not important to them and I need the anger to fuel me.

I ate more than I wanted to. Half the oatmeal, then for lunch one of the gals ordered from BP's. I did the whole 'I can't afford it' and she said not to worry. I got the spinach salad as per usual (about 400 cals?) and half the piece of garlic bread. I also ate about half a bag of cheep chocolate covered raisins and a bunch of gummy candy.

But, after I got home and saw 149 on the scale I decided to eat nothing for dinner. I resisted rice cakes, peanut butter and other treats. I had tea, and a low cal hot chocolate. Yay for me!

I'm watching Gilmore Girls. I love that show. Rory isn't my fave, Loralai is. I love her and Luke. Damn I'm such a sap. Issue is there's a LOT of food in this show! They're always bloody eating junk!

Tomorrow I'm back with most of my team. We'll have to see how that goes. Half an oatmeal for breaky, tea for the road. Starbucks and more coffee for lunch, salad and yogurt for pre gym snack. If I go to the gym I can have dinner of veggies. If I don't go, nothing again.

I'm gonna get to 145 by Friday damnit. Maybe less.

Operation pre camping begins

Canada Day was good. Shane cancelled so I hung out with Jackie all day and went for dinner before the fireworks (wasn't in the plan...) and took 400 pictures during the fireworks. Still haven't waded through them yet.

Saturday was fun. Dragged my ass out of bed at 8am and off we went to go to the mountains. Had a great ride up, mostly uphill. Lunch at the lake and I ate a load. Then halfway back my rear tire blew and that ended my ride. I walked about 1km before my parents got back with the van and we headed into the townsite for ice cream, my Dad's tradition. Back home in time to hit up my friends house and avoid dinner.

Today... not so great. I was unable to avoid the BBQ this afternoon so I ate a burger and a small bowl of beans. Topped off with a scoop of ice cream. After moving all my shit out of storage I ate a small amount of chocolate raisins and yogurt pretzels (really small amount. Not a binge amount.)

I was 147 this morning, 148 tonight.

Next Sunday I leave for camping meaning that it's 4 days of binging. Not what I'm looking forward to, but I am kinda. I'm hoping I can drop to at least 145 before I go. Ideally I would hit around 142 but I'm not going to be able to drop 5 or 6 lbs in 6 days, especially as I can't go to the gym.

Yup, the cycling kinda overdid it for me. I have sore lungs now and a threatening chest cough. It needs to go away soon. I can't run, ride, go to Zumba or even lift weights. Anything that gets my heart rate up makes me gasp a bit and I daren't cough.

So tomorrow, I"m going to go to work and be the perfect happy manager. Despite my frustrations etc I will be what they want me to be.

I will also someday be something I want to be.... thin

Quickie!

I am so tired. Had a blast. I gained weight (surprise surprise) and have to go to a stupid BBQ tomorrow but I feel a chest cold coming on (for real. It hurts to breathe) and may plead 'sick'.

Unfortunatly this means no running or anything that gets my heart rate up.

So how little can I eat tomorrow?

Update more then :)

Thank fuck it's thursday

Week from hell.

Feeling better today though. I'm going home tomorrow :)

Managed to hit 145.5 this morning but I'm 148 now. Considering how little I ate I don't quite understand. I had half an oatmeal, a tea, a handful of chocolate raisins, some soup and some other candy (that stupid candy machine.). I swear if I took it all and weighed it it wouldn't equal 3lbs. I'm going to be lucky to hit 146.0.

Tomorrow. Eggs maybe for breaky. Possibly a tea or a starbucks coffee for the ride? Want coffee with Shane when I get there but no idea what time. Jen wants to go to motorcross but it's not really my thing. I want to see the fireworks and I'd love to hang out with Jackie. For food... how long can I go without? I probalby will have some of the bulk mix though coz it's good.

Saturday I'm super excited for. Hitting the mountains finaly :)

Bed now...

Sick

I went to bed with a slightly sore throat. I woke up a little dazed. By the time it hit 9am I knew I was sick. I was shaking, shivering. My skin hurt, my muscles hurt, my joints hurt, my back and neck hurt. I ate lunch with one of the GM's of another store. We've been trying to do this for months but I felt so horrible. I ended up going home around 4pm. I got home, and despite the fact it's 29C outside, I curled up in my bed with my down duvet and shivered myself to sleep.

Woke up before 9pm, popped a few dayquil and had a mini binge. I ate half a yogurt I stuffed in the freezer, 2 45cal rice cakes, a bunch of tiny liccorice, 2 Turtles chocolates, and some canteloupe. Desptie that I'm down to 146.5 as of right now, considering I was thrilled with 148.5 this morning, it's not too bad.

Tomorrow will depend on how I feel. It's going to be a very long day to begin with and I will need some energy. I may have eggs for breaky instead of oatmeal. I want some trail mix from stupidstore but not sure if I should. There may be a starbucks coffee in there too. One of the gals from work wants a milkshake and if my throat is still burning tomorrow I may go for it too. Just have half. Then soup for dinner and the event I will not eat anything, just take photos.

Or I may not eat anything. We'll see what happens.

I'm out of the gym for a few days now. I can't go tomorrow, I'm too weak from being sick. I'd make myself worse. I don't have time thursday or friday. Saturday I'm headng to the mountains for a bike ride and Sunday I'll try to run. Back on Monday? Hopefully schedules work out.

Wander: I went onto PT but I cant' for the life of me find you on there :( That or I'm still confuddled which is highly possible.

:)

Down again. 149.5. Still fucking whale sized, but it's heading in the right direction.

Today I managed just under 1000 cals. Realistically it wasn't much food... it was the 460 cals of chocolate raisins and 200 cals of yogurt covered pretzels that did me in. Minus that crap I'm looking at 400 cals or less.

Hoping for 148.5 by morning.

Didn't run, too tired. Still am exhausted. But happy free me is back at work. I'm still frustrated etc. None of that left, I'm just hiding it better and will continue to do so.

Tomorrow aiming to be up by 630am, be at a store by 730am, and then at the other one by 9am. Hoping to be off by 630, take my gym stuff in case I feel like going. For food, tea and half oatmeal for breaky, salad yogurt cottage cheese and 2 pieces of fruit (I anticipate being hungrier and will have to 'counter' todays binge). Leftover soup for dinner, and not even the whole thing.

Wander, I'd love to... I'll log into PT tomorrow and send you my info :)

Busy Day!!!

152.5 this morning, 150.5 right before bed. I'm happy with that so far.

I ate breakfast, a bagel with margarine on half, peanut butter on the other half. I threw out a quarter of the PB piece and the rest I kinda picked at... safe to say I ate a half. After Church I kinda went nuts. I had 1 piece of brownie (about 1" square), 3 Lindt truffle chocolates, 2 of the seashell chocolates, 2 rum balls, a pecan pie square thingy and my tea.

Once home I had some licorice, raw veggies and some canteloupe, following with half a Pepsi Max. And that was all!!!!!! I managed!! I avoided food at the BBQ and it was fantastic! I had a small craving but it was easy to ignore as there were so many people there.

So to back it up a bit, all 6 stores in the city got together for a sports event. There was kickball, soccer and vollyball and a ton of fun to be had. I got there late (intentionally), mixed and mingled, and then with full intent of joining in and playing, joined my team. It ended up that we had too many people so I wasn't able to play, but they didn't notice me missing anyways. I took photos, mingled, and tried not to be grumpy.

Some of the higher ups were there and began teasing my about someone that I supposedly like. They were just trying to get a rise out of me but it pissed me off too quickly. Can't 'like' anyone coz it fucks with everything. This is my damn job. I got told the other day to calm down, stop stressing, as it's affecting me negatively.

So there's the issue. As I gain weight I get pissier. I need to restrict and I'll be happier. Sounds fucked? Welcome to my world.

Wierd Day

Not used to working on Saturday, but I survived. Barely.

I can't believe how fucking fat I am. I'm well over 150, nice going me! Way to fuck it up! I have so much left to lose, just to get back to where I once was.

Today, half the oatmeal for breakfast and tea, Didn't eat anything until 2 or so (except half the yogurt), when I ate salad and the fruit. Nothing else till I got home, and even then it was just a piece of fruit. I went out just to go out and hit Chapters. Had a low fat no sugar something or other at Starbucks, and bought two books.

I ended up at the drive in and got a licorice flavoured milkshake and real onion rings.... I ate most of the onion rings and half the milkshake.

I also took two laxatives.

Not quite starving myself...

Tomorrow, I dunno. I've got eggs and a bagel. I'm wondering if I should have bagel before church and eggs after? Go for everything before church?

Regardless, tomorrow I either run or ride. I have to be at a work thing for 7pm too. There will be food. I'm not excited about it. I'll go, take pictures, and leave.

Plan for running or riding by 3 or 4pm, hopefully I'm ok by then ;( Lots of water!

So, for food... bagel and eggs, veggies and fruit. That's it thats all. Maybe less, nothing more.

Bought Wasted. Started watching Rachel Getting Married. Can't figure out which one to start on first.

Take Command

Which is what I am doing now.

Yesterday doesn't matter, today doesn't matter. ( I haven't slept yet, it still counts as Friday and it's only 12:21am).

All that matters is NOW!!!

It doesn't matter that I ate an entire plate of chinese food, 2 pitas and an ice cream cone for dinner. Or the 4 donut balls and 1 entire donut I had earlier.

Nope, not tomorrow it won't.

I've got it back. I really think I do, despite the out of control eating today. I can feel it. Its there.

Tomorrow is last day of training. First day back to being me. No more cranky me coz I'm pissed at what I ate, or thinking about what I'm eating next, or how much I weighed that morning. I will be back in command of me. Control. I must have control back.

So, oatmeal, as usual not the whole thing. If I must, a yogurt halfway thru. I have another salad and fruit for the rest of the day. Coffee, tea, water, vitamin water (if I have one left?) or chilled green tea? Going for a run or ride in the evening, depends on weather. Too hot, means a ride. Just right, means a run. And a long one, not some pansy 30min run. An hour at least. Dinner? Wasn't planning on it. Just sleep.

For those burritos, pretty sure they made me sick today. I was so gassy. Yeah, gross, TMI but whatever. I've NEVER felt like that before. It felt like I'd taken some laxatives (which I may still do tomorrow) and couldn't stray too far from the bathroom. So, they're getting the boot. Good thing I think. Filling but heavy.

Tired, bed, bring on tomorrow!!!!

Training

Day one of training for my new store today. As in I get to stand in front of a class and teach, one of my horrors in life. I did it. I did ok. I have to go back and d it agian tomorrow.

I was down to 149 today, but didn't eat smart today. I ate breakfast, had a bagel for lunch, then ate far too much chocolate at the training (which wasn't much in comparason to other times).

I'm 151.5 right now, hoping for around 150 tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a 'normal' day. I purchased a salad and fruit, so oatmeal for breakfast, yogurt for a snack, then the salad for lunch, and fruit for afternoon snack. I'm meeting with a friend for dinner and shopping so I will have Opa if there is one as I've always wanted to try it. Salad and pita bread with some meat, chicken or shrimp.

Saturday back on track.

I went to Safeway today. I can't bring myself to buy crap food there. Also helps in a massive way because the put their breads and such all in one spot on the other end of the store from the veggies so I never go there. I'm not going to go grocery shopping in the other stores.

Kes: Thanks for the tips. I really appreciate them. Your comments and encouragment mean a lot.

Wander: I'm 5'5" (and 3/4 but I don't usually include that). I have a belly now but normally it's fairly flat. Thanks to all my weight training in te last almost year I have gained some muscle, most noticably in my arms. You know that flabby bit under your arm around the triceps? I barely have any now, but everything lower than my ribcage is flabby. I wish my legs would just waste away though. I don't want muscle there, just skinny legs.

Barely a compliment

gained back that half pound today. But I should be back on track tomorrow.

I had most of my oatmeal, and my tea. Had a coffee later on and a yogurt around noon. Piss poor so when everyone decided to go for lunch I couldn't buy anything. A small blessing.

i sat in the shade, it was kinda chilly due to the light breeze despite it being over 22C and everyone else being pleasantly warm. My boss started the 'maybe you should gain some....' then stopped, saying he shouldn't say anything.

I'm fat. The number on the scale is huge. But what do I really look like? I can't see it. What do I look like to others? I wish I could ask, but I know I won't get an honest opinion. I've weighed 10lbs less. What does 10lbs less really look like?

Sooooo, the hiking trip is cancelled. There's two feet of snow and an avalanche warning in the area and there's no way it will all melt in 2 weeks. That's the risk of going to the mountains, especially such a secluded area. Instead I will head to the mountains a bit further south with my parents for bike ride, not a true mountain bike ride, just on the road.

I'm officially going camping with my friend. Means there's going to be a shit ton of food involved, and alcohol. I think I'm going to go for wine instead of beer (less calories?) and pack a bunch of fruit and raw veggies. However, I will end up eating junk, so I need to be low before I go so I can afford to gain a few pounds. As in down to 140 so I can gain 5....

Stupid training tomorrow. No refrigeration. I have a bagel, tuna, Luna bar, dried fruit, satsuma, and Pepsi Max. I should be ok as long as I don't hit the chocolate. Hoping to go for a trail run but it really depends on the weather as they're calling for storms.

So, hoping for 148.5 by morning.

Small Steps

I dropped .5lbs. Technically right on target but damn it frustrated me to be so little.

Today I ate 3/4 of my oatmeal, had my tea and a Starbucks back coffee, then finally a yogurt around noon or so, with lunch following at 2. It was a working lunch that I knew was coming. We went to BP's so I could order my salad, 430cals of spinach, egg, feta cheese, and tomatoes. It really is huge and a treat. However I should have avoided the bread...

Hit the gym, had a good workout. Actually pushed it so I'll see how sore I am tomorrow! Hit Stupid store again, got yogurt covered raisins, but I am now broke so no more binges possible, for 2 days at least.

Home, shower, steamed veggies and a rice cake later, and you have me sitting on my bed, way too hot, watching Laws Of Attraction.

Need 149 tomorrow.... 150.5 last time I checked, not sure I'm going to hit it.

Lazzzzzzzy Monday

Day off today. Slept till 9 at least, maybe later. Once up I did the measurements as it is week 8, then ate a sensible breakfast and had tea. I watched movies all morning. If you haven't seen Picture Me go watch it. It documents a model's rise to high fashion... I also watched The Union, a documentary about the 'business of getting high.' It was really good, if not some of the same info I've already known/heard. Lets catch up with the times. Start pushing hemp based products and help save a few trees (it's a WEED, hence it grows like one... Trees take a VERY long time to grow...), then legalize marijuanna and tax the hell out of it to help pay for healthcare. What's worse? Alcohol or weed? Cigarettes or weed?

Watching Spanglish now. Not an Adam Sandler fan but it looked ok. Netflix is evil.

I did go to the gym today. Only 2 hours. 25min on the bike, triceps and biceps and an hour of Zumba. Actually got a bit sweaty in Zumba (I don't sweat. Rarely.... except today) but it felt good. Sitting on ice now in the hopes that I didn't fuck up my poor glute muscle.

Sooooo... the numbers weren't great today. Up to 150 and added a tiny bit to my hips and legs. I said 145 by July 1st, just shy of 2 weeks away. I need to lose 2.5lbs this week and next. 147.5 by Monday? Totally doable, and at a sustainable rate.

Today I ate mostly smart. I had oatmeal for breakfast, got a bit hungry and had a yogurt. Salad for lunch, then a burrito for after. A 5 cal jello before the gym (yeah, I know, not protein but filled me up for only a few fat free calories). After the gym was the issue, I needed gas. So I stopped at stupidstore. I ended up in the bulk department looking for yogurt covered raisins. I couldn't find them so I got other things, then found them at he end, but I still walked out of there with more than I should have. But on the bright note, I did not go after the chocolate first. Once home I ate steamed veggies for less than 100 cals so I'm hoping I didn't go over 1500 cals.

Tomorrow it's back to work.

An attempt at normalcy

Today wasn't too bad. Despite how I feel and what I probably weigh right now.

I ate breakfast, had a yogurt and eggs as tere wasn't much eggs left, less than 100 cals then headed to church. I really enjoy this church. I think I will split my time between the two, going to my friends one week and this one the next. After, my boss who had invited me to begin with invited me out for lunch with his family. I ordered a low cal platter, which ended up being 390 cals, again not too bad. I hit the grocery store to pick up lettuce for this week and ended up leaving with junk again.

I did have my burrito and my veggies, but probably close to 2000 calories in junk. I did however check out low cal home made hot chocolate recipes. I made one for 20cals.

1tbspoon of unsweetened cocoa

2 tbspoon of low cal sweetner (I used splenda and the recipe called for 3. Even 2 was pretty sweet)

Add water or milk. ( I added a tiny bit of skim milk but it didn't need it.)

My leg/glute is still not behaving either so I spent the rest of the day sitting on ice packs watching documentaries on Netflix now that I finally unpacked my Xbox. I've watched Ringers about LOTR fans (pretty cool...) and a documentary about Amish, now onto Hope Floats (which I've never seen...)

Yeah, lazy ass today.

So tomorrow is the 2 month weigh in... I'm still gonna do it, get measurements etc. I need the grounding. After that is done, off for a run. Shower and eat, oatmeal most likely, and clean up the house. I promised to go visit a friend, may do that after lunch, and hit the south end store at the same time. Go to the gym and hit the zumba, but only of for a little bit, like maybe 15 min of cardio, 30-45min weights and the hour zumba. Just don't want to aggravate my poor glute again so soon.

Food: Oatmeal or something for breakfast which will probalby happen around 10 or 11am. Late lunch of salad greens. For dinner, depending on how late Zumba goes, burrito and greens, or soup. It depends on if I stick to my plan or not....

Gonna now continue my lazy night with a game of civilization :)

Abandon

I'm ditching the low carb thing. I need to focus just on my eating.

In the last few weeks I have binged every other day, or every day. I go to the bulk sections and buy chocolate. I eat M&M's at work, I go home and eat cookies and more chocolate. Then I try to purge it and while I've definatly improved in the purging department, it's not a way to lose weight.

So here's the new plan to get back to eating healthily (as in healthy food, still lower cal)

I will eat some form of breakfast at least 5 days a week. An oatmeal, yogurt, eggs. Anything other than just a cup of tea.

Pre lunch snacks are allowed. Must be under 50 cals and only one. Yogurt, rice cake, fatfree (5cal) jello, fruit.

Lunch at work will be salad and a form of protein. Tuna etc. Combined no more than 150 cals.

Mid afternoon snack is either a yogurt or rice cake (but only if no pre lunch snack).

Pre workout food is a form of protein. Currently cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato mixed in. Averages around 120 cals. Only on gym days. If I'm running/biking/skipping the gym this doesn't happen.

Dinner is not to be eaten in my car. At home. Soup, veggies, one of the 230cal chicken wraps I bought today. May be skipped if I'm not hungry.

Supper... if I requrie a snack, chips and salsa, but no more than 10, or a rice cake. Also permissibe is one piece of dark chocolate and a light spread of pb on it.

Drinks... tea for the morning, coffee mid morning. Water, Pepsi Max, Crystal Lite, green tea all throughout the day, vitamin water, max one per day.

The aim is to have under 800 cals per day. There is no minimum.

For workouts, gym on monday and wednesday where able to. Saturday and Sunday, one day or both do something outside, bike, run... etc. Try for one to two additional strength training sessions at the gym.

As always, no junk food (which oddly enough is easy to follow. I just go nuts for chocolate and sugar). Fruit is allowed, but in moderation so to control sugars.

Aim for 2lbs loss per week, but more is of course welcommed. Problem I'm having is in a week I'm bouncing around 6lbs or so. Not sustainable. I need this to come off slower without starving myself until I get to the point where all I have is that option after tapering off food. If I just do it all in one go now I'll binge, purge, and get no where.

Continue with measurements every month. Next set up on Monday (which I'm sure will be a gain)

Stop purging and using laxatives. I'm horrified at the bruises on my arms and hips from grabbing myself while purging.

No eating after 9pm. If I workout until 9pm I may have a LIGHT snack when I get home. Cup a Soup or steamed veggies, nothing hardcore.

I want 145 by the end of June, 2 weeks away. I want 138 by the end of July, and 135 max by the time I open my store mid August.

Tomorrows plan:

Up around 9am, shower, eat. Either eggs or oatmeal (I think I want eggs....) Tea and take tea with me. May meet up with parents but not for a meal, late lunch. Will eat salad and yogurt for lunch but no tuna. For dinner, have a burrito early and veggies later. If it's still pissing it down, maybe a run (it really is pouring. It hasnt stopped for very long for over a week and there's no way I can go on the trails, bike or otherwise). For sure a run if it's not raining. Maybe hit the storage unit and get a box or two? Organize my closet? Maybe should do that first.

Tomorrow I'm hoping for under 150.....

Start over again.

The 'inbetween' period

So, my rant yesterday apparently helped. I went onto the forums and found a solution for my commenting issue. All good now :)

While I still ate like shit today, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I did take 2 laxatives last night but it didn't really seem to help. I was down to 147.5, not great but it could have been worse. I managed to stick to my plan, right up until I decided I wasn't going to the gym. Then I hit the 25c candy machine again. And stupidstore after work.

I did however avoid the chocolate cookie and ice cream binge. I actually spent far too long in the ice cream aisle pondering which one to get. I picked one, 100cals per bar, and got all the way up to the check outs. I ended up putting them back in the freezer and dumping the cookies on the shelf. The cookies were $2 and the ice cream was $8. That's $10 I almost spent on stupid shit. I should just put that in my savings account. I think I will do just that.

I did however buy and eat a whole bunch of chocolate raisins again. They didn't even taste that good which was fucking stupid. Why eat something I don't like?

I bought a shirt and some crystal light also so it wasn't an entirely wasted trip.

I ate soup and cookies for dinner, then purged, then had some more cookies, and lamely purged again. Didn't bring up any of the chocolate raisins I gorged on though.

I'm 149.5 right now, but my stomach is still fairly flat. I'm kinda confused (and scared) by that. Means that it's either mostly water, or the food hasn't made its way down far enough to be a gut yet. I hope it doesn't. I wanted slim by morning and I can't take laxatives again thanks to the road trip tomorrow.

Heading north to check out a store up there. Its a 3 hr drive one way and there's 5 of us going. I can plead car sickness. My plan is to slim down over the next few days. Lots of water, Pepsi Max, coffee, tea and if I must, steamed veggies or salad. I will have to eat at some point, but I want to keep it simple and as low cal as possible. I see a lot of steamed veggies in my immediate future.

Ideally I will be back to 144 by Monday, the 2 month weigh in. I was 146 at the last weigh in, but I"m hoping I have at least lost some inches around me especially in the legs/ass area. If its gained in my gut I'm fine with that for now, it comes of easier.

It's almost summer (raining like it's England right now though...) and I want to be slim by the store opening at the end of summer. So it's time to get back on track.

Thinking of that, one year ago today I was at the Green Day concert. Damn, I loved it. Time of my life, pun intended. I want to go back, but I don't. I sure as hell don't miss the extra 50lbs I carted around. Imagine how fantastic the next 20 or so are going to feel coming off.

I'm also saddened by the riots last night. I get it, they didn't win the cup, but really? A few hooligans had to start some shit and before you know it that beautiful city is caught up in fire fueled madness. I feel bad for the team and I can't stand them. I'd say shame on Vancouver, but it wasn't their fault. Just some assholes that gave the city a terrible name around the world. In this case the right team really did win.

Wish me luck on the road trip and that no one says anything too much about my lack of food :)

FRUSTRATED!!!

I'm fed up of fucking blogger. Why the FUCK can't I post comments. On any blog. At all. I go into the every fucking eternal loop I've bitched about for weeks. FUCK you blogger. Fix the FUCKING problem already. It's been weeks! Why the FUCK can't I comment.

Now that's out, I still don't feel any better.

I binged again today. Big fucking suprise. 144.5 to 149 as of an hour ago. Downed two laxatives, see if that helps. I even managed to gain a bruise from pushing on my stomach so hard to help me purge after.

Didn't go to the gym. Took the day off.

Had a conversation with my boss yesterday after he saw my helmet and biking stuff in my car. He made the comment that I don't do things halfway, I do them all the way. Yeah, except for this. So that needs to stop now. I'm back on the plan to ketosis. No sugar, sugar is EVIL.

Tomorrow, eat as little as possible. Hoping for half a yogurt and salad with tuna then my usual cottage cheese by home time. Puts me around 250 cals (the tuna I got is a bit higher in cals unfortunatly, but I'm almost done it). Hit the gym for a monster workout, try for 3 hours, then home for a cup a soup, 100 cals. Tea and bed coz it will be an early morning on Friday. Water, tea, coffee and a Pepsi Max will be the beverages of choice.

Need to be back to 142 by Sunday. 8 week measurements and weigh in by then.

Now off to find out what the fuck is wrong with blogger.....