Return

It's been almost 3 years since I last posted. Is anyone still out there?

I'm still all screwed up... I've been all over the place. Six months ago I was below 130lbs. Now I'm kissing 140lbs again.

I liked this blog. I liked the way no one knew who I was in real life. I could write about my weight, what I ate, my true feelings, and no one could know. It was a good place to think, write, talk...

Trying again. Maybe writing about it will help.

In limbo

I keep disappearing. I can't decide what I'm doing.

Tomorrow I was supposed to 'get help' but it's been cancelled. I think because I don't seem like someone who has that severe a problem it was pushed back. It's supposed to be rescheduled for early next week but I think I want to avoid it.

In the last month I've had Shane call me out on my issues and tell me to get help. I've been eating normally somewhat, and cut out the purging. I'm staying around the same weight but I'm for sure bigger around my lower half. I've started slowly going back to the gym and doing things properly.

I just don't want to anymore. I want thin. I want that next size down on jeans. I want to be the one people say is thin, not my friend who started to get healthy and drop a ton of weight (she looks awesome! Still a few pant sizes bigger than I but I don't want her to get thinner than me... how screwed up is that!?)

I don't think I want to starve as much anymore. I don't think I can physically do it. I do stupid crazy things when I do, like binge after. I think I just need to restrict, keep calories under 800 per day and slowly up the workouts to 5 per week with lots of cardio.

It's Nov 29th today.... One year ago I was 13 lbs lighter. I can't drop that in a month but I should be able to get halfway....

Furious

My other blog (my 'real' one) just had a miserable comment left on it. Basically told me to go 'fix' myself. Really? Are you that small minded that you missed the blatant screwed up posts about not eating for several days and not wanting to and assume that my only need is for attention? I'm so happy that you are so secure in your life that you feel the need to put people down like that.

I'm livid. I'm so fed up of the complete lack of understanding, or even at this point, comprehension. Do you have any idea what it's like to stare at a plate of food and know that you can not possibly eat it. Your comments (and I use the 'your' in a very lose way) do nothing but show off your inability to process or comprehend empathy, or any emotion other than your own.

I'm fed up of people (aka my boss) at work automatically assuming that every time I have a problem it's because of food. Not the people I work with don't do their own work, or take responsibility for their own actions, no it can only be because I haven't eaten (despite the fact that often I can). It's the 'have you eaten' question I get when I become frustrated.

I'm fed up of people saying all I need is a hamburger. Yeah, coz FOOD will fix the problem I have with FOOD. I'll eat the hamburger, and if I don't throw it up, I'll not eat dinner to make up for it, and maybe nothing the day after either.

Oh, wait, you see me eating chocolate. Means everything is right in the world? Nope, means I'm probably mid or beginning a binge (chocolate always starts it) and you are unfortunate to witness it, or I'm fortunate enough that you disturbed me and I can stop.

How about all the comments you (the collective 'you') make about how fat so and so is, or how gorgeous so and so looks coz they're wearing those tight pants. Then whip around and tell me that it's not size that matters. Yeah, i'm not a toothpick, I don't even consider myself skinny. I don't even think i have an eating disorder because of that, but I recognize I have issues with food.

Do you know what it's like to look in a mirror and despite losing a ton of weight last year, only seeing fat huge me looking back? What its' like to hate how you look so badly that not only do you not eat in the hopes of losing a few pounds, if you're lucky, half an inch somewhere, you exercise like mad and exclude yourself from family and friend outings/gatherings just to avoid the food issue.

No? Didn't think so. Go crawl back under the rock you were hiding under.

Thwarted by the can opener

Got up at 8am, just in time, but later than I wanted. However, meant there was no time for food, even if I'd wanted some. Instead me and my mug of tea ran out the door. Around 10am I ate a rice cake, and once back at home avoided all food. Another rice cake around 3pm and back into town. Binged, for lack of a better word, on a bunch of trail mix (that stuff is killing me.... but I'm kinda glad its' not chocolate raisins anymore) then when I got to where I used to live, purged a massive chunk of it.

Home, did some yoga and then decided I should have soup. Except I couldn't figure out the stinkin can opener, so no soup. I did have a whole wheat bun though, but I can't have gone over 300 cals, for the second day in a row.

I was 148.9 this morning, 148.3 before the bun and tea. I think I'll do one more weight before bed then put it away for the week again. Hopefully this week is better for loss!!!! 146 by Saturday is the goal.

Help!

I don't know what to do anymore.

I got on the scale this morning and I'm 149.9.... my BMI is right on the cusp of being FAT.

This was supposed to help! I've scaled back my eating, skipped both breakfast and dinner almost every day and it's all for nothing.

I went to Zumba, got there late, jumped around in the back. Didn't have the energy or will to do too much more. Hit up Walmart, grabbed chocolate raisins to binge, walked out with shoes instead. Went to Sharens place to check on the cats and grab some of my stuff, hit up Starbucks for a coffee and came home.

Where I proceded to bawl my eyes out and have a nap on my bed. I finally showered at 3pm. It's now 4pm and I/ve only had half a protein shake for 55cals.

I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

I am not happy at the weight I am. I will not be happy until I get well below 140. I just can't seem to get there. I either starve (like I"m doing now) eat a tiny bit and waste calories on junk, or eat normal and gain.

I've got to go back to the gym regularly. Even if it's only Zumba for an hour it's still something.

After that I can't figure out the food part. Do I eat? Do I starve? Maybe if I just starved for this entire week, had a 'normal' day, then did the same the week after. If I saw a significant result maybe it'll kick start things.

I dont' know anymore. I'm miserable (and really cold!). I'm hungry for anything right now. Even steamed veggies but I'd have to go buy them and that could end badly.

Ugh.... I disgust myself.

4 Days

I'm at day 4 with no scale.... and I feel like I'm doing awesome on the limited food intake. It really is keeping me strong not knowing what that number is. Now, I'm not totally not eating, coz that would send me down stupid paths. EX: Today I had 2 cups of tea, one coffee, 1 Pepsi max, tons of water, a salad with cucumber, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, a 110 cal dressing (high but meh at this point) a bunch of pineapple, a few grapes, canteloupe and a bit of trail mix. Maybe 600 cals. The day before, maybe 600 cals, day before around 300 cals. IN all that still doing some small workouts at home.

Work has been great. HR manager was bugging me today so I spilled some beans about how my boss likes to put me down and never gives me any good feedback. Basically its killing me and he needs to stop. She promises there'll be a meeting down the line. I really hope it helps.

Supposed to go out tomorrow. Food and alcohol. I want to skip out instead.

Backfired

Shane told me to remove my scale.

I did.

Day 2 without it right now.

I ate 215 calories as I'm so paranoid about what I weigh.

To him this will have backfired, to me it's the push I needed to get back down.

I have 5lbs to lose from what I was on Sunday night to what I have to be Saturday morning. If I keep up the way I've been the last 2 days I should hit it.

Just gotta stay strong and focused.

That I Would Be Good

Even if I lost 10lbs...

From an Alanis song I got to listen to on my way home from work.

I got another interview for that job offer. Don't know if I'll do it yet. I love my job, hate my boss.

I managed to eat very lightly today but I'm pissed as I got home and I'm the SAME weight as I was before I left for the gym and work... bah!!!! I can only hope I"m down at least 1lb tomorrow. Can't afford anymore lame days.

I figured I'd have about 400cals but I did eat some trail mix. I'm hungry now but all I need is a tea or something. Too bad I gotta go to sleep.

Planning for another light day tomorrow and hitting up the gym.

Inspiration

I'm in need of it.... I've eaten 'normal' this Thanksgiving weekend, and now I feel huge. I'm still on track thought. I got my 150 by Saturday and by this Saturday have to be 148. I was 149.5 this morning, hoping for 150 by morning ( I ate a lot....) I really really need to stop this stupid cycle and FOCUS.

For tomorrow I will be eating oatmeal for breakfast, rice cakes for snack, salad for lunch, cottage cheese for pre workout and then hitting the gym. Get a 2 hr workout in, apple and protein shake, home to shower and soup. I'm thinking 800 or less calories.

See if anyone notices (aka Shane...)

Day (or two) after

Friday was crazy. I had my best friend of 10 years tell me she thinks she's gay (not that I have a problem, more like it was an insane bomb to drop. She's married with a kid..... I don't eve know how to help her) and then I go into Friday.

The car's got issues. Brakes fixed but the clutch needs replacing... Bye bye bonus.... again.

Then I go for coffee with my old old boss and she spends the entire time going on and on about a job offer she'd had that disappeared and she thinks that there's some inside issues going on, companies talking to each other... It's hard. I want to believe the best but I can't.

Then I go to meet Shane at his new gym. I go in, pay my fee and then Shane pulls me into his office. He asks me what's going on and I have no idea what he's on about. I don't even remember how he started but he goes on about my mentions of eating too much junk, then comments about wanting to throw up followed by days of super low calories. He says point blank, that it sounds like I have an eating disorder.

I almost bawled my eyes out. I didn't tell him everything by a long shot. I told him I'm not happy with me and I hate food. He's told me to start eating all my calories, to work up to 1200 calories per day and to avoid the garbage food and not have it in the house or anywhere near. He says this alone will help with the binging (anything at this point to help with the binging!).

We worked out after but I'm shaken. I don't like that he knows this much. I was hoping that I could be thinner by then. I've still got a good 25lbs to go and aiming for March to be there (about 6lbs a month.... considering I've got a goal of 8 this month I should be able to hit it). I'm going to start eating a bit more to try to curb the binges. Once that is in control I can start cutting back again and I'll deal with him as I get to that point.

Today we had Thanksgiving dinner. I ate, but certainly not as much as I did last year. I don't feel like barfing from being physically too full. Went for a walk after dinner, hoping to go for a run tomorrow ( I need more cool weather running stuffs! I only have t shirts and 3C weather is too cold!).

I hit the 1 week goal of being 150 by 1lb. Next weekend is 148 and hopefully I can be there by tuesday or wednesday. Keep ahead of the game as I know how badly this can jump up.

Thank you all for your comments :) I missed you too, and I miss PT.  I haven't been back since THIN started up so I don't know who is still on there. Let them know I still think of them and I say hi. ONce I have an antivirus back (mine expired yesterday) I'll try to stop by.

Aw crap....

I'm home.... At least my old home. I got here yesterday, went for a dinner with my friend (Boston Pizza and their 310 calorie salmon and salad dish) and spent about 4 hours talking over some pretty heavy stuff. She's pretty sure she's gay, but has a husband and kid. I'm the first person that's close to her that she's told and I told her that i"m here for support.

Today after getting my car half fixed (the other half will cost $1000 and will take much longer so I'm doing it at the end of the month when I have time and the money) and having coffee with my old boss I went to work out at Shane's new gym.

He pulls me into the office and asks how things are going. I know something is wrong. He asks me how I'm doing with food and I know he's figured it out. He wanted to know how, why, when. He said to start at the beginning which I couldn't do. He said my thoughts and behaviours are screaming eating disorder to him and I need to get help. He's told me to get someone to remove my scale, and seek a counseller. He said that I'm in a cycle. I binge therefore I starve until something snaps, and I know it'll be my health. He said I need to get to a point where I can eat 1200 calories a day, every day, which will help with the binging. I need to stay away from foods that are 'bad' for me, like chocolate, cakes etc, the stuff that I binge upon.

I cry.

He's nice about the whole thing, which makes it worse. I don't know if he feels bad or responsible which would make me feel horrible. I told him I do it as I want to be skinny, that I still feel fat, that I don't see what I've done and accomplised in the last year, the difference in weight.

We still worked out, we went to his place after. He fed my crackers, knowing that I'd only eaten oatmeal all day.

I did have dinner with my dad, we went to an Ethiopian place that I love.

I'm 149.0 this morning, up from 148.2 this morning. Still on track and ahead of schedule.

I still plan on dropping the pounds. I need to hit the gym more, like he said 2 times from mon to fri and once on the weekend. I can run/ride the other days until the weather gets bad, then hook up my windtrainer (I clip my old roadbike to it and its like a stationary bike, but my bike and no fancy gadgets). I need to, as he states, control the binging. I can't be around chocolate but I must allow myself the carbs and natural sugars on occasion.

Will I hit 1200 calories? No. Maybe one day a week, I'll call it my higher day. I used to do it all the time as it was my saturday night when i delivered pizza and had one personal pizza that night. I always dropped that weight and more by Monday.

I need to get in control of it. I'm not anymore. I have no boundaries, no rules. It's just binge and attempt to restrict, watching a number on the scale.

I don't want to disappoint him, but I must lose the fat first.

Slow Start

I hit 152.5 the next morning.... means I have to get to 138 by Dec 31st. Which would be the exact same weight I was last new years and I did that in the same time period but way too many ups and downs due to the starve/binge cycle.

I'm down to 149 this morning which is ahead of the 2lbs/week goal I set myself. However, I feel fatter. I've been neglecting my workouts and it's probably muscle mass I'm losing.

I need to find my focus again, my constant pre-occupation with not eating much compared to my constant thoughts of food I can not eat. I wouldn't have dreamed of eating chocolate this time last year! It needs to go away! The occasional bread/muffin will be allowed for the metabolism boost thing but that's about it.

Tomorrow and Friday are no chocolate days. Saturday will be permitted.

Going home after donating more time to work tomorrow. Home as in the 2 hr drive south, hopefully it won't snow (we had a forcast today, but it didn't so far!). Gotta go get the stupid car fixed.

I'm so exhausted. So tired.

Thanks for your comments :) I need the motivation :)

Aloha!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack......

An unplanned vacation? Life changing experiences? One crazy twist and turn after another on the emotional rollercoaster that is life?

I managed to open the store. I almost quit my job twice, I've moved and made other changes in my life, but still I am not happy with who I am physically. I attempted to starve my way into nothing, which caused the first instance of me trying to quit my job. I also didn't drop very low at all. I've eaten tons of garbage food this past week and planning on getting back 'on track' tomorrow.

October 1st.

I will be 15lbs lighter from tomorrow morning by Dec 31st. Screw the gaining muscle, I want skinny. I'll get lean later.

Obviously, I'm hoping I'm 150 tomorrow, but I doubt it, given the way I have eaten today. I would like to see sub 140 by Christmas. I did it last year after much starving.... I can do it again.

Plans:
To still eat. When I don't things get stupid.
To have one cheat per week. Not go crazy, just one cheat.
Cut back on carbs, keep protein up but not high.
Add back in the salads.
No problems with soup.
No drinking calories

Goal number one: 145 by October 31st. (will be revised if I hit that early)

Tomorrow will take measurements.
Will use my fitnesspal to log EVERYTHING eaten.
Stay under 1000 cals unless it's a cheat.
One day under 500 cals.
2 L water per day.
Weights at least twice a week, cardio at least 5 times a week (weather dependant.... it's gonna get nasty soon!). Eat more on days I workout.

Sound good?

Oh how I missed this.

I will be skinny.

I will be thinner.

I will be able to have control over myself.

I'm still employed!

I don't think they'd fire me. I'm pretty sure they legally can't but i'm still at this store. I finished a few tasks that only I knew how to do for the new store. I'm still paranoid that they'll pull me. The HR manager will be there tomorrow so if it's going to happen, tomorrow will be it.

Overall not a bad day today. I gained over the last few days. I was 143 on Sunday, 145 this morning, 146.5 right after dinner. I feel gross. Shane promises me I will drop again this week and more. I think I need to cut back on the couscous....

I think it's fixed?

Blogger that is... We'll see at the end and if you folks could comment and let me know? Yesterdays is still screwed.

Got up late today and barely made it to work on time. Took oatmeal and the powder for a protein shake to work as I didn't have time beforehand. I did eat it, and was the only manager on. I ran around like crazy and was trying to get some HR shit done by sending a text to my HR manager. She missunderstood and then when I tried to explain she basically blamed it all on me and point blank asked if I'd eaten yet.

Fuck.

This is how my life is going to be now?

I can't fuck up, I'll lose my job. So, I'm going to follow this food plan so I can drop the fat pounds, and look skinnier overall. Then when they all leave me alone, stop eating again. I should be able to hit 135 doing it the proper way, plan to do it by the end of August. Then 130 by end of Sept. Yeah, sounds like a loooooooooooooooong time but given that i've spent the last 6 monhts bouncing around 140-150 I'll take the long go.

Tomorrow is the day I feared. I do expect to be pulled from the store. They're not letting me do a H+S meeting tomorrow, and there will be people in the store. I will hide. I just have to make it through the end of the day. If they boot me, starving is ahead.

Where to begin?

I posted last on Tuesday.... Wednesday things went off the rails.

It got a bit crazy at work, I maybe skipped a few meals and went straight from 12hr workdays to 2hrs at the gym, barely getting more than 4 hrs sleep. I was a bit distracted, tired, confused, sluggish. I was told to eat several times by my boss and ignored him all times.

Thursday all hell broke lose. We had more trucks, more things happening, construction workers and tradesmen running all over the place, stock piled up, staff asking millions of questions etc. I kept being told to go eat, then to go home but as I argued, I was in the middle of soemthing. By the time I was told to go home, I could drive home and back with a full 30 min at home... not going to. So I stayed and got bitched at some more. At the end of the night was talked (my boss and I) through email and he basically told me to get my shit together, and if he didn't see improvement there would be consequences.

I spent half an hour in my car bawling before coming upstairs.

On Friday we talked, outside, just the two of us. He told me he called my HR manager, that he's worried about me doing things like driving, working etc. Giving my keys out and then losing them was freaking him out as it's not like me and a sign that I need food. He's not going to baby me but I needed to fix a few things. He needed me to have a plan by Sunday and pulling me out of the store could be a consequence. I had a minor panic attack at that.

On Saturday I got to work at 2pm and we sat in the office and talked. He and my HR manager want me to get counselling. I also need to eat. I need to show improvement in my attitude (ex energy levels as he says my attitude is far better when I do eat. He claims he can see a switch when I don't eat as things start to go downhill) and in my work.

I agreed. Can't really do much else.

He was nicer. Halfway through the day, instead of hounding me and making public comments he mimed eating. I had a few bites in the office of my lunch and did some work, he consistently coached me to eat a bit more, bites at a time. It didn't feel like too much work at that point.

I talked to my HR manager and she's insisting I get councelling, which I don't want. Again I said I would. I will. I'll go to one, then never again.

What's next? I have no fucking clue.

I'm paranoid that they'll pull me out of the store. They (as a company) don't do any of that stuff on friday, saturday or sunday, same with firing people, so I'm terrified for monday and tuesday. I know the district boss is out of town on monday so now I'm all wired up for tuesday.

And I don't mean I"m a little worried. I'm PARANOID!!! I'm at the point that I bet it will show at work how stressed I am. I have to eat now. I need this job. I worked so hard for this new store too that I can't throw it away. If they move me I'll lose it. I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know what to do now. i have to pretend that everything is perfect. I have to keep my job. I can't overeat, I need control. It's not even about a number on the scale anymore, it's just about the control.

That's my last week...

I hope I've fixed the commenting thing. I guess I'll find out as soon as I try to post this thing.

Oh, and as an added bonus I lost 7lbs this week....

Edit: Still can't post properly. :(

BUSY

Had a fantastic weekend. Just moved into the new store today. First official day is tomorrow (key turnover is tomorrow)

Life is nuts. I'll update as I can (and blogger is being a piece of shit too...)

First time!

I actually dripped sweat at the gym today. I know, gross but I NEVER drip! I don't think I ever have!

I was 145.5 this morning.... I can't believe that! I was 147.5 when I got home from the gym so I'm not too pleased with that but hopefully it will go down overnight. I'd appreciate 146 by morning.

Work was ok, gym was good. Got invited to the 6:15pm spin class tomorrow. Get the feeling I'm a gonna die!

Heading into work early so I can leave early and mabye do some weights beforehand. Do the 45min of spin and be done for the day. 7pm heading home sounds good.

Made plans for Saturday, gonna see Shane :)

I need that number to go down otherwise I'll start losing faith. That or I need it to start being noticable fat loss....

I still can't post properly, wonder if that's affecting how comments are working. Blogger pisses me off.... I'll email them if it still isn't working tomorrow.

I dunno

Anymore....

I ate today. I forced down the plain oatmeal, couldn't fit much in. Got the eggs down too... By the 11am meal I was full. I sat at the desk curled over, my stomach aching. My boss, who knows about the purging, asked me if I was ok.

Telling people was a massive relief but it's going to be a giant pain in my ass.

I made it thru the day. I did splurge on a tall sugar free vanilla bean latte with non fat milk. Apparently 150cals? I went to the gym despite feeling exhausted.

But I did it. I'm lower than I was yesterday and hopefully by tomorrow I will be the same weight I was last week. I have to make sure I'm recording the weight every day.

Getting easier

I ended up talking to two more people today that I wasn't planning on. The girl I spoke to told me that she too has suffered. When she was 8 she just decided that she didn't want to eat anymore and ended up being anorexic for 3 years.

I ate a burger today. Skipped one of my meals to do so.

Hit the gym, lame leg day and zumba. I'm just so tired.

It's 1030pm and I may just go to bed.