I keep disappearing. I can't decide what I'm doing.
Tomorrow I was supposed to 'get help' but it's been cancelled. I think because I don't seem like someone who has that severe a problem it was pushed back. It's supposed to be rescheduled for early next week but I think I want to avoid it.
In the last month I've had Shane call me out on my issues and tell me to get help. I've been eating normally somewhat, and cut out the purging. I'm staying around the same weight but I'm for sure bigger around my lower half. I've started slowly going back to the gym and doing things properly.
I just don't want to anymore. I want thin. I want that next size down on jeans. I want to be the one people say is thin, not my friend who started to get healthy and drop a ton of weight (she looks awesome! Still a few pant sizes bigger than I but I don't want her to get thinner than me... how screwed up is that!?)
I don't think I want to starve as much anymore. I don't think I can physically do it. I do stupid crazy things when I do, like binge after. I think I just need to restrict, keep calories under 800 per day and slowly up the workouts to 5 per week with lots of cardio.
It's Nov 29th today.... One year ago I was 13 lbs lighter. I can't drop that in a month but I should be able to get halfway....
1 comment:
I was wondering where you disappeared too!
Maybe talking to someone would help a little? If it is a professional on the issue.
I was lighter this time last year too, it makes me sick to think about it.
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