Ups and downs....

I was up today. 144.0. I bet I won't be down tomorrow :(

I got to work later than I wanted, rushed through the set up and then into the class. The supervisor I have (I'm her boss) seems a tad eager, as in wanting to take over the meeting. I asked them for help, not to just jump in and take over. Other than that it was good...

Until I think of what I ate. I bought sugar and candy shit yesterday intending on having none of it. I ended up eating almost the entire bag of marshmallows and a chunk of the 'licorice' ( I can't call it licorice. It's not real. It's that fake sour candy crap). I even ate chips. Not even going to bother doing a ketosis test in the morning.

Where is my self control? I don't deserve to be thin if I can't control myself.

Hit the gym. As soon as I got on the elliptical I could feel it in my legs. I'm tired. I've done something every day since last Thursday. Tomorrow is the double class and swimming. Maybe I'll take Thursday off? Or not as I might not get to go on Friday night.

See how my weight and eating goes.

Last day of May. I lost 3.6lbs. Not what I wanted, short by 1.4lbs. Same goal for this month. Lose 5lbs. Hopefully today won't hurt me too much as I skipped dinner.

I ache, I feel my muscles crying out for rest and protein. I need sleep.

Monday....

Today wasn't a great Monday, at least at first.

I got up at 9:45 instead of the 8am I was planning on and I STILL felt tired!!! Dragged my ass into the shower, weighed myself and got the only good news of the day. 143.5. I didn't fuck it up that bad. That's a 2.5lbs loss this past week. I'm happy with that. Theoretically that means I should be able to hit 141.0 by next monday...

I made my eggs and salsa, and then everything started going wrong. I couldn't find my make up anywhere. It was at my friends, where I'd been yesterday. On the other side of the city. So, leaving the house late already, I made the journey down there to pick it up (getting my pee sticks along the way. Only $7 thank fuck.) Got to work 1.5hrs late, sad considering I don't work today.

Tested and I'm not in ketosis yet (didn't think I would be. Waaaay too much sugar yesterday). Did the meeting stuff and bailed. Went to get the dishwasher kit she's been nagging about, and hit the gym.

Did 18 min on the bike before doing a leg day. Went light on the weights as my poor tibia might not take too much. I'm probably pushing more than I should anyways (at least that's what I get told.) but it only complained doing the standing leg press. I did go up to 180lbs on that though so maybe I was pushing it a bit too much. 1 hr of weights and then 1 hr of Zumba. Managed 2.3hrs at the gym, not too bad.

Tomorrow I work till 5pm and it will take me an hour to get to the gym. I may go for a run, I may go to the gym. Haven't quite decided yet. See how the old legs feel. I'm going on Wednesday and Thursday, Friday I may try for the Zumba for Breast Cancer and go dance for an hour or so. Saturday I don't know... maybe a run if I can squeeze one in? Same with Sunday?

I forgot to get groceries today so I have no salad for my salad, only half a serving of cottage cheese and low on milk for tea. I thought about going out and buying a salad premade but that could be a terrible fail. Think I'll just take the cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato, a pack of frozen steamer veggies, my sardines and maybe 2 yogurts and a tea in case. I may take a pepsi max also.

Gotta go to bed. Being late not an option for tomorrow. Have to set everything up and be perfect in the morning.

Blah....

Weekends Suck

I always seem to gain weight. I did hit a nice 142.5lbs, but now am 145. just before bed. I ate a stupid amount of finger pastries after church today, and nothing until a ton of chocolate covered ju jubes at around 8pm after my run.

2 cups of tea later :(

Yup. 145.0.

I'm going to have another cup of tea so probably back up to 145.5.

However, it is nice to be bitching about being too high at 145 instead of 154, or 149.

Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day... I have to be at the store by 11am and I was contemplating a run before. I may just sleep instead and go hiking boot browsing before heading into work. Do some work for a bit, then off to the gym. Have to come up with an entire presentation for work for tuesday and I'm a bit stressed. At the gym I'll do Zumba and pehaps attempt a leg work out.

I used my Nike app today (it's FREE right now!!!! If you have an iPhone, iPod, or iPad GO GET IT!!!!) to track my run. 4.76miles in 56min. Slow, but the first half mile was a massive hill I just walked.

Food tomorrow... I gotta eat those damn eggs. Scrambled eggs for breakfast (90cals, if I add salsa, another 10cals, but around 4g carbs), some kind of fish (I bought sardines today. I've also got tuna and salmon) with salad (depending on the fish, 100-150cals, 0-4g carbs) then my cottage cheese, cucumber and tomato mix for pre gym snack. Take a yogurt too. That's about 350-400 cals.... add in a pepsi max, water and more than likely a starbucks and it sounds like a plan! Post gym some steamed veggies. Nice and low on carbs.

I have to find the ketosis pee sticks tomorrow. There's a brand by Beyer called Ketostix so I'm going to check out drug stores. If that fails, I'll just order them online.

I'm also trying to comment on others blogs but I'm having massive issues. I keep being redirected to log in over and over and over. Apparently it's a glitch they're working on, but until then sorry :(

Pretty Thin

Finished at the gym and in the changeroom, for once no one else was there. I've wanted to get a picture of the scales for a long time and figured I'd take my opportunity. While I was taking a few shots (changing the manual settings on the SLR) some gal walked in. I figured I'd explain as you're probably not supposed to have cameras in there.

I told her about my project 365 and how I take random photos. She laughed and said she wondered why I was taking a photo of the scale as I was pretty thin already.

I stopped for a half a second, then continued babbling about the site and some of the other work on there.

It's stuck with me all evening. Pretty Thin? Really? I don't believe it. I know I'm getting thinner, I'm actually starting to see it a bit, but not enough. No where near enough.

Today was a fail. I was good until I was off work when I bought a croissant and some more junk. I felt gross at the gym, but did 25min on the bike and then an hour zumba. I love that class :) 3 times a week is perfect, and 'M' is such a great instructor. I found out the 'Bollywood' song we dance too. Maahi Ve. It's fucking awesome :) I hope we do more, different beat, and just overall different style dancing.

I was chatting with 'S' about how I was feeling tired a lot and he explained it was normal, until I admitted how many carbs I was eating.... and I thought it was too much! Apparently not. I got a bit of shit for that.

Oops?

I was down this morning. 143.5. I am hoping for under 145 tomorrow. 144 would be ideal. I'm going to go for a run, hit the gym and attempt a leg work out (stupid tibia). Then off to buy cheap dress pants, hiking shoes and more workout clothes for Zumba mostly.

Food is back to low carb tomorrow. I've even got some eggs coz I've been dying for them all week. So after the gym, scrambed eggs, and before I go out, salad and tuna. I'm out with a friend for the rest of the day so liquids mostly unless she insists on eating out then steamed brocolli and grilled salmon with no sauces etc.

It stopped raining. The resevoir is so full they had to open one of the gates and that combined with spring run off, and the insane amount of rain we've had is making both rivers flood. My normal run maybe cut short due to flooding. I'll have to see in the morning.

Really want to watch bend it like beckham...

The photo in case you're interested: http://365project.org/toomi/didn-t-quite-ma/2011-05-27

Nobody likes you,

Everyone left you.
They're all out without you,
Having fun...

I'm back on FB. Don't know if my fucked up mood just sorta started to pass or what. I started talking to 'S' again, mostly coz I miss talking to him. I'm still sad that no one messaged me or anything, but it was only a few days and had I disappeared for longer it might have made an actual impact.

Whatever.

Work is busy. Loads of stuff going on. I've got 3 major tasks on the go, with one ending tomorrow. I'm feeling a little less stressed.

It's still pissing it down. It's rained all day. All last night. It's not supposed to stop until Sunday. There's a heavy rainfall warning in effect. The river is going to flood, especially as 'run-off' is just really getting going. It also means that I probably wont' be out running on Sunday, or biking, or roller blading.... It may just be a walk downtown or something lame. Every where else will be pure slosh and mud. Saturday will end up being a gym day too probably. Zumba tomorrow (the 'private' class that I ended up being invtied too :)) and of course my normal monday thru weds.

I skipped the gym today. I was just so damn tired. It felt good though, just to chill at home, organize my room a bit more. I ended up eating a bit more than I wanted, but I'll be ok.

Today... Well, I've had at least 60g carbs. Probalby not quite 65. I'm hungry right now. It's 1030pm and my stomach is almost growling. I dropped to 144 by the time I got home. After dinner (steamed veggies and soup) I was 146.5, but then before tea I was 145.5. I'm hoping I may hit 144 tomorrow :) That would be 4lbs in 5 days. I can totally deal with that.

Payday tomorrow. Lady I'm living with told me that since I helped her out and helped with the cleaning so much (coz it desperatly needs it here) she's only charging me $200. that's AWESOME, given that I am overdrawn on my credit card. I gotta sit down this weekend and figure bills and shit out. I realy need new boots for hiking as I"ve got to wear them in, and a new backpack. That's around $200-300 depending on the shoes ( I want good quality as they'll last a few years!). Plus pay bills.

Bah. That's for tomorrow. For tonight I"m going to watch You've Got Mail as I just downloaded it, and go to sleep with another cup of tea.

An Attempt At Day 1

I thought I was doing so well... but I fucking miscalculated.

Goal was to have less than 50g carbs and then start cutting back from there.

I got up just before 6am (ugh) and was hungry by 10am. The rest of the day didn't go too bad food wise (or so I thought). Gym was awesome, had a blast at Zumba and the muscle pump class. Went swimming after for only 20 min, knee kept locking up. Home, ate some more, and chilled out in my room.

Day was long and full at work. Kept going mentally, and it was nice to dress up instead of in the stupid uniform (not bad overall... I just hate the tan pants). Tomorrow is a meeting day and I'll be dressed up again.

Soooo.... food today:

Yogurt (7.5g carbs, 35cal) at around 10am.

Shrimp spring roll (http://www.bentosushi.com/products.asp?bid=7) for 94 cals and 13g carbs (and I thought the sauce was included in that but I just saw further down that they have it on the side for 90cals and 23g carbs... FML...)

Steamed veggies: 100cals and 12g carbs (I miscalculated this one.. I accidently left the portion size as half)

salad with Kraft low cal dressing: 3g carbs (the salad is pretty much just lettuce and spinach) and 35cals.

Clover Leaf Tuna in the salad: 110 cals, 2g carbs (and sooo filling!!!!)

That lot was all spaced out over the afternoon, the salad being eaten around 4pm.

After the gym I had half a campbells italian wedding soup (15g carbs and 130cals.)

1 piece of 90% Lindt chocolate (OMG, you want to hate chocolate? Try a piece of that shit) 60cals and 3g carbs. I'm going to force myself to eat that whenever I have a chocolat craving. Holy fuck is it gross. I swear it sucked all the moisture out of my mouth.

5 almonds (50cals, 2g carbs)

a VERY small handfull of raisins (30cals and 6g carbs.. fuck...all fruit has to GO!!!)

2 cups of tea (2g carbs thanks to the milk)

Starbucks Cafe Americano with 2 equal as splenda packs are 1g carbs each.

It all ended up working out t0 around 65g carbs and 666 cals (oohhhhhh... evil~!!! lol), and just the swimming and Zumba was about 400 cals burned off, not including the muscle pump class.

So not low enough on the carbs. I need to be under 50g for 3 days. Plan for tomorrow:

Yogurt sometime in the morning.

Lunch of salad and tuna, and steamed veggies.

Late afternoon snack of fat free cottage cheese with cucumber in it (maybe tomato but I think they're high carb)

Take a pepsi max for a sweet treat (0 cals, 0 sugar, 0 carbs and actually tastes good)

Go for either a run (meh) or gym (preferred!) then home. Finish the soup from today and tea.

41g carbs ifI don't have any almonds or anything.

I did some googling and ketosis is supposed to kick in within 20-60g of carbs. I'm SOL today, but will be right on for tomorrow. Saturday and Sunday will both be low days as I usually eat way less those days anyways, and having just tuna and salad for lunch on Saturday, followed by a 90cal salmon steak and steamed broccoli (the other stuff has higher carbs coz it's got a stupid lemon sauce but it's convenient for work) should put me well below 500cals and around the 20g carb. Sunday I'll maybe fast again. Not sure yet. That or just soup, so aroun 20g carbs. Then by monday I should be starting to see effects.

We'll see:)

Today

Didn't go as planned, but then again when does it?

I went for a run in the rain, then decided to hit the chocolate when I got home. That basically set the tone for the day. I gained 2.5lbs from yesterday and probably didn't lose it today.

I went to the gym this evening too. Did30 min on the bike and almost an hour of weights/abs. It won't be enough to counter the crap I ate after.

Chad and I are doing the ketogenic diet, but obviously taking it to a new extreme. She started today, I start tomorrow. My plan is to go with tea for breakfast, salad and fruit for lunch, water and juice for snacks, fruit for pre gym snack, and hopefully just tea for after the gym. If I do cave, I've got veggies.

It's only 2 weeks I get to do this, so we'll see how it goes.

I have to be at work in a few hours, I really have to go sleep.

Oh, played the new guitar today. Still haven't decided on a name. I'm thinking either 'Saint Jimmy' or 'Whatsername'.

Kes, thank you for the encouragement and advice. Greatly appreciated and I will probalby refer back to that a lot in the upcomming days :)

21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

When it's not worth dying for.

Does it take your breath away?

And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins..

One, twenty one guns,

Lay down your arms, give up the fight.

One, twenty one guns,

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I.

When you're at the end of the road,

And you've lost all sense of control.

And your thoughts have taken their toll,

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul.

Your faith walks on broken glass,

And the hangover doesn't pass.

Nothing's ever built to last,

You're in ruins.

4 Weeks In

Started with a friend 4 weeks ago today. I was 154.2, highest I'd been since September or so. I hit 146 this morning thanks mostly to my fast. 8.2lbs loss. I also did measurements (which was really hard to not do during the 4 weeks). Most significant, I lost 1.25inches on my hips. Everything else I lost, but nothing over .75 inch after that. I'm pleased, but not. I'm happy I'm down, but not happy that i"m not down enough. It's stupid really.

I went back and looked at some of the numbers from Nov from my measurements and I'm smaller than I was then. I believe that the scales I were using back at home were wrong completely. I never did get under 140 if that was the case, maybe the lowest barey touching 140.0.

I also looked back on the last few months. I was 155 a the beginning of September. I spent most of Sept and Oct bouncing around 145-154, and then only the latter part of Dec did I get down to 142 or so.

Theoreticaly, I could drop another 8lbs this month. A mere 2lbs a week, the 'healthy' amount. That would put me at 138, the lowest I would have been.

I binged today. I ended my fast at 11am with 3 chocolate bars. I followed with a satsuma, half an apple and a salad (my salad of lettuce and 5cal dessing). Then around 4pm, my stomach growling loudly, I ate another chocolate bar. I would have kept going, but something kept me back, barely. I got home, ate the rest of the Hershey bar I had and a bunch of mini licorice allsorts. I just kept eating, then I contemplated how good pizza would taste. I loaded up the computer, did everything right to the end to order pizza then stopped and closed the tab in IE. I can't afford it. My stomach doesn't need it.

I ate steamed veggies for dinner with more chocolate and rice cakes. Last time I looked I was 148.5lbs. Hoping I get back to 147 by morning.

Next weigh in/measurements is in 4 weeks. June 20th. I'm wanting 140.0, and damn I better get it. I've had my binge and I will be removed from stupid candy for a while.

Stupid things coming up:

This week there's nothing really. No dinners, no lunches, no trips etc. I think I'll try for another total fast day on Sunday, minus the stupid binge on Monday (which I won't be working... so if I"m good I'll have a booster juice ).

June 5th is the Church's pancake breakfast. I'll support the church, pay my $5, eat a pancake or two and then call it quits. Perhaps I'll fast the day before? Or try to as it's interview day for work. Either way I won't eat anything other than pancakes that day.

The next weekend I think is the ladies tea, again for church. I was hoping to go home this weekend, but it may have to be put off. Again, eat breakfast that day, nothing else.

I've got a supply of raisins, allsorts and some chocolate covered caramel balls in the fridge. This should prevent the stupid 'lets go to stupidstore and buy a bunch of shit food and try to eat it all before I get home' issues. This way I actually have to come home and eat them, and hopefully it will help with portion control. Especially as the caramel ones are refrigerated so takes me longer to eat one. I've also got some almonds for my 'good' days. Otherwise it's go light on dairy, drink loads of tea (going to go get some green tea this weekend and I have those capsules coming), water, diet soda, coffee etc. I'll eat my salads, loads of fruit, go sparingly on bread and pasta, and will eat sparingly of meat. I've still got loads of soups so there's ideas for meals. I'm hoping to phase dinner out. Eat lunch only, then after the gym have a snack of a banana and rice cake or something.

I dunno, we'll see what happens.

Always with the damn plans.

Tonight/tomorrow I'm sitting down with a plan for money. What I have to pay off, in what order, and what I would like to buy. There's some things on there like hiking boots I will have to buy this weekend so I can start wearing them in, also new black pants for work.

On the Facebook thing... I got fed up of the bull shit, mine and others. I went back through several months of posts and deleted almost everything. Was there really a need to keep most of that shit? Not really. There were some awesome comments on there that I chucked because I really don't need them. I deleted all the 365 links. I got rid of almost everything up till mid November (mostly coz I just didn't feel like going back any further.... there was a LOT of stuff to delete....)

I'm kinda sad and it's depressing that I'm sad about this. No one has posted anything other than someone posting a cityville thing. Is that how my life and relationships are based now? By who sends me energy in a fucking game? What about my friends? Ones I used to talk to all the time, see every week, go for lunches with, hang out with? Or new friends, ones that I have gotten to know thru facebook (but know personally too... as in friendships that have begun by adding each other to our 'friends' list).

I haven't decided but I think I may just leave FB until I get to 140.0lbs. Then post a picture... or not. I kinda want to go back home and maybe shock a few people. See how skinny i can get in that time.

I'll see how long that lasts....

Sucess!!

I've completed a fast. A proper fast. I usually end up having a brothy soup at the end of the old fasts, but this one is all good. I've had less than 100 cals in beverages, and not a single morsel of food. I've had tea, coffee, a cafe americano from Starbucks, 10cal Crystal light, 45 cal hot chocolate and more tea. My walk turned into a 45min run too.

I just can't wait t see the scales in the morning!!! About time they went down (yeah, 150.0 was a kick in the crotch this morning!!!)

I bought groceries today. Tons of fruit and salads. I got cottage cheese too for the protein mix that up with a tomato and cucumber for a 100cal dinner. I also bought almonds and some liccorice allsorts (the minis'). I'm hoping that if i keep them in the house it'll stop the stupid binges where i buy an entire bag and eat the lot.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to run when I get up, then go to work. I was hoping to make it till noon with no food (it'd be about 36hours on a fast then) so we'll see if i can do it.

Measurements tomorrow. Kinda scared.

Using twitter more (@Toomi_k) and went through and deleted a ton of facebook posts. Trying to avoid FB for a while..

Bed time.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

I woke up late. As in 11am late. I woke up a few times before, just chose to return to slumber instead of pounding pavement.

We started moving and cleaning. I managed until 530 to not eat then she suggested we go for dinner. Boston Pizza was my pick as they have an awesome spinach salad. I figured one starter salad I'd be ok.

One order of garlic twist bread and an entre salad later... oh wait, I forgot to add the handfuls of liccorice allsorts, chocolate caramel balls and chocolate bridge mix that I ate after. So much for my fast day.

So I'm back up to whale status right now. I'm also very thirsty. I'm hoping most of this will digest over night.

Tomorrow I will have a fast day. Tea before church, coffee after. Water once home then I'm going out for a nice long walk. I'll leave around 3 and go for 2+ hours, lie about having dinner, and have tea/juice instead. Hoping I can go until monday around noon before eating.

I'm also avoiding/ignoring facebook right now. Last post was the FOD video followed by Geek Stink Breath. Both very appropriate, especially the lines:

I'm on a mission,

I've made my decision,

On the path of self-destruction.

Yeah, he's talking about meth abuse, but it could be anything.

See if anyone even notices I'm not posting on FB.

Weigh in/measurements on Monday. 3 weeks till I"m back home. 3 weeks to drop 10lbs.

Time to starve it off!

I fucked up again

It's all my fault....

I was fine until I craved chow mein. Then I got dragged out to lunch at a vietnamese place where I ordered spring rolls and won ton soup. I then ate a bag of m and m's back at work.

Hit the gym, got invited to a special Zumba class. Then went and binged.

I feel huge.

I'm done with this bullshit. I need to control myself.

3 weeks till I go back home.

3 days till the 4 week weigh in.

I'm getting down below 140. Then I'm keeping going.

I'm fed up of fat.

I Surprise Myself

Sometimes.

I got up, lazed around, and went for a run. Was awesome despite having to stop to watch a momma and poppa Canada goose with 6 or so babies wander down the trail. Well worth the stop though. Managed no food until I binged at Stupidstore before work.

However, I Managed to throw up most of it. I was surprised as to how easy it was given it was chocolate and peanuts/almonds.

I then ate half the satsuma, half the apple, half of my salad, and half of my steamed veggies. I may even make a hot chocolate and only have half of that too ;)

I've got a growly stomach. Love that feeling. But the damn scale has me way up again. I was down again this morning. I'm hoping that's due to the awful bloating.

Monday. One month on Monday. I can't wait to do measurements.

And I got more fuel today. If only they keep posting pictures.

Kes-Thanks for the chocolate tip. I will have to think of that before I do stupid things like today. I have a 45cal hot chocolate that I'm trying to save for when i've been good (as in not today after my binge but I may anyways.) I even have a tin of cocoa here.

Fuel

I began to crumble today. I ate honey coated almonds and some chocolate covered caramel balls, and a pack of gummy candy. All adding up to around 500 cals.

Then with some help from a friend I tossed out my salad and yogurt. I hate wasting food but it felt good to toss it. I think from now on I will only eat half and toss the rest.

I got to the gym, still dealing with a serious chocolate craving, and put in my 2 hours of classes. Towards the end of Zumba I felt my resolve crumbling. I wanted sweets and bad stuff.

Instead I got back to my locker and found my fuel on facebook.

I like him, he's cute. I'd definatly sleep with him, but I'd never date him. He's a friend, someone I have let get close to me which is unusual for me.

His girlfriend is fucking gorgeous. I will never be that beautiful.

But I will be thinner.

Tea to the rescue!!!

I have not eaten chocolate today. Nor any kind of gummy, etc I've had some kind of soup with a chicken broth base, with 3 pieces of shrimp and a bunch of the rice noodles (I at half) and a pita from Opa! which ran about 260 cals (booo... fuck). I had my apple, banana, coffee, and green tea. Hit the gym, ran, did some weights, rode a bike, and drank insane amounts of water. Once home I had steamed veggies, more water and now I'm into my herbal 'slimming' tea.

Fuck that scale better be fan fucking tastic tomorrow! It said 148 last time I checked but I'm pretty hyrdrated at the moment.

146.5 this morning. I want 146 by tomorrow.

Lots to do!!! Will make the muscle pump class and Zumba *fingers crossed*.

One Year

I started the other blog one year ago today.

I weighed 187.7lbs. Down from my high of 191.

I was 146.5 this morning, not happy with that. So that makes it 41lbs I've lost in a year? Not happy with that either.

I kinda binged today. I ate gummy worms at work, and then this evening on my drive I ate a hershey bar, box of glosette raisins, half a burger and a diet soda.

I couldn't get much out.

Tomorrow I start a 'new year', if you will.

I had set a goal of trying to get to 140. I got there, and then gained again.

I have my goals now, they're of course lower. Next goal (besides getting below 140) is to fit into the size smaller of the jeans I fell in love with on Friday.

Way to do it, eat less, eat smart. Cut the junk. I did so well for so long and then in January somewhere I gave myself the ok to do stupid things like eat sugar.

I need to go to the gym, or even just a walk. Do sit ups and push ups daily, Yoga once a week if I can.

Drink green tea.

Always drink water.

Avoid the bakery/candy sections.

Focus on the next drop. Always going downwards.

May 16th..... one year later. I want to be past my final goal this time next year.

Weekend

I headed home thinking I'd go for a day. I stayed the night.

It was a little bit of awesome. I really needed it, the chance to be away and not with family or overbearing people.

Food wise it was meh.... I was fine driving down, had a fiber bar for 150cals and then a salad (probalby around 300 coz I used the damn dressing that came with it...) and then hit the gym. We had an awesome workout and then off to his house. I showered and he had a chocolate banana protein shake waiting for me after. It tasted amazing but damn I'm guestimating at least 300 cals, and that's without the protein powder calorie content! He then pulls out half a packet of Chips Ahoy cookies so I took one and nibbled. When there were 2 left he teased me about having another so I did. Then he fed me pasta which I picked at, eating it one by one. He didn't say anything......

We watched 'An Idiot Abroad' which is AMAZING. So funny. Asshole moments but I can't wait for season 2. I was almost falling asleep at the end but when it was all over and done and bed time I was wide awake (typical....).

Woke up as the sun was rising (beautiful view!) with a sore left glute muscle and had to keep rolling over after that. Annoying but I still slept till 10am. An espresso later and I was out the door.

Hit my old work to say hi, hit the damn bulk place for too much garbage (aka chocolate) and then to a friends. From there to my parents and then to Starbucks where I got my last half priced frappe (java chip non fat no whip... sooooo sweet... ) and then to Little Ceasers where I bought a cheese pizza and crazy bread. 3 pieces of bread and 2.5 pieces of pizza later I felt adequatly disgusting enough and started heading home.

148 when I got home 147 now.

Fuck.

I was 144.5 on his scales this morning. I'm hoping for a max of 146 by morning.

New store again tomorrow. Then I get to find out how long it will take me to get all across the city to get to Zumba. ... hope I make it otherwise I'll be pissed.

Need sleep now....

Cake

Last day at this store... Yeah, this is getting CRAZY.

Lets call my old store A... I was there for years. I moved to a new city to cover a sick manager in store B. I was there for January. In Feb I went to another store (all same city now), we'll call it store C, where I was there for another month. At the end of Feb I went to store C! I was there for a week before I tok 3 weeks vacation to pack up my house and move it to this new city. I went back to store C for almsot 2 weeks before being sent back to store B coz that manager was sick again....

Yeah, crazy shit.

Goal was always to get Store Z. Its the new one, it's still being built. I got that promotion yesterday. However, I will be going to Store D on Monday as I will need to run a smaller store, train the new manager there and get ready for my new store.

Fuck.

So today was the last day at store B. I hated store B when I got there. There were a few people that I got along with well, but mostly I was plain miserable. I also put on a ton of weight there. (as in 10lbs....)

An hour before I'm off they drag me into the lunch room and give me cake. They've all given me huge congrats on getting the new store and now a cake to say thank you and goodbye. I almost cried.

I couldn't help but wonder why a store that I've been at for a total of 7 weeks got me a cake, but the storeI poured my heart and soul into for 3.5 years didn't give me so much as a goodbye and a handshake... well I know why. The GM is an asshole.

But thats done now.

Besides that cake, I ate 2 pieces of cake from Starbucks and an insane amount of candy. I need to stop eating!!!! I was 145.5 this morning. I actually hit 143 thursday after my run. I'm 148 now.

I'm going home tomorrow. My friend and ex trainer has invited me to crash at his place for Saturday night. I'm hoping to get up early, go for a run, shower, and hit the road. Get to home, get an oil chane, go for a massage and then meet him at the gym. Then, who knows.... I'm not taking the computer so no update tomorrow.

I'm hoping for 146 by mornin.... I haven't gone to the bathroom in almost 2 days so thats not helping (TMI.. I'm sorry but it is what it is...) I've done farily well on curbing craves later today, but failed this morning. I have to continue the strenght tomorrow.

Oh, I found the PERECT jeans at The Gap. They're $90. I am SO buying a pair. I even fit into a 30 pants!!!!

I will be buying a pair. I will be buying a size 28. I need to drop the weight......

Asshole

At least that is what I thought at first. Now I'm not too sure. I'm not sure if he split with his GF and that's what's causing issues (she's no longer on his FB page as his GF?) but be basically deleted everything and hasn't responded to my message. However, he was paying games about 4 hours after he deleted everything.

I dunno. I was pissed at him earlier, but now I'm calming down a bit. If he answers, I'll go home. If he doesn't I'll shoot him a text and if he doesn't answer that then fuck him.

I'm tired. I left halfway through Zumba, my damn leg just hurt and I wasn't in the mood. I ended up binging on chocolate while stuck in traffic. Couldn't get most of it out, but once I ate my soup that kinda helped.

The lady I'm living with is annoying. Do I want her to wake me up tomorrow? Am I leaving for home on Friday or Saturday? Oh, Saturday? Yeah, that's better. How the fuck would she know? She's not my damn mother, and I think she's trying to take on that role. I will probably snap at her at some point, that or I need to get it across to her in a nice way....

Fuck. I'm just damn tired. and I may just go to bed.

Tedious Sucess?

I'm down this morning. Not by much but back under the dreaded 150. I'm down again from this morning so I'm hoping I will be down again in the morning. Big day at the gym tomorrow with the 2 classes, one weights, one cardio. Perhaps some more cardio after? Maybe not as I'm pretty sure my roomie is out on Wednesday nights so I'll pull out the guitar and play a bit.

I ate about 600 cals. I still ate some stupid shit, like 6 m&m peanuts, a tea biscuit, and a leftover egg from Easter, maybe 150 cals total. Other than that I had salad, apple, rice cake, tea, coffee, vitamin water, loads of water, steamed veggies with 70 cals of tinned salmon for dinner. I was feeling kinda hungry but a low cal hot chocolate took care of that.

I left my damn coffee mug at work. Sad about that. I'll just take a bit of milk and use one of the breakfast tea things I got with my Keurig coffee set. Similar on food, if not practically the same (minus the biscuit and chocolate of course).

They should be announcing the new management team for the new store this week. I really hope I've got it.

I also may be dreaming a bit but despite the fact that I've done nothing but bounce around the same damn 10lbs in the last few months, I swear my legs are getting leaner. Definatly around my calves and knees. 2 weeks till I do measurements to confirm. I will not touch the tape measure until then.

Write Off

That was today.

I ate 2 mini oatmeal chocolate chip muffins by 9am.

I ate my salad and apple (I forgot to buy yogurt)

I then ate two of the frosted cupcakes that were left in the office.

Then the banana I took and half a rice cake.

Somewhere in there I also had a handful of Mike and Ikes after finding a quarter at the bottom of my purse.

After the gym I hit Stupidstore. I walked out with no yogurt (none left! They apparently have having some crazy sale on the stuff.) but with licorice allsorts, white chocolate almond bark, ju jumbes, and chocolate covered raisins. I ate the lot.

Then I tried to purge. I got some up, but not enough to count really.

I ate steamed broccoli and am now having a cup of tea. I really need laxatives.....

I have to say no. NO

NO

NO!!!!

How easy is it to say no?

I need to actually do it.

MMmmmmmonday?

I ate too much again today.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I mean, I had my tea. After Church I finished it of. Then I had a brownie. Then a piece of cake. I was being proud of myself for not eating half a sandwhich. Instead lets have another piece of cake. Oh, wait, I have $3.75. How about I buy some cupcakes, cinnamon bun and them stuff them in my mouth on the drive home.

Wait, there's more.

How about I then eat a bunch of cookies and a Lindt bunny's ears. Then try and purge it.

Did I mention I practically licked the icing off the inside of the bag the cupcakes were in?

I cleaned. I moved the couch and cleaned behind. Maybe I burne 50 calories. I organized my room. Maybe another 25cals? I spent about 15 min over a toilet trying desperatly to purge some more.

Icing is just as sweet coming up as it was going down.

I then went for a walk. A nice long almost 2hr walk. Only the first few minutes was uphill, after that it was flat. There was a breeze, then rain, and while walking on the flats with a few trees for company, a few loud claps of thunder. I got a bit damp from the rain, maybe burned another 100 calories?

Hit a grocery store. Managed some self control. I just kept promising myself the rest of that damn bunny.

Home and all I can think of is more food. The soup came out. Then so did the cookies and chocolate.

Fuck.

I've gained again this week.

My sister weighs 143. I have to beat that. I wanted to go home this weekend and have my ex-trainer notice the amount of weight I've lost. Instead he will see a boat. Maybe I won't go home this weekend.

I'm relieved tomorrow is Monday.

Purge

I managed to do it a bunch of times today. At least some of the calories won't be consumed.

Today happened, and is now over. No more bakes sales, teas, dinners etc until Thanksgiving. I ate way to fucking much. I bought a ton and took most of it to work where they loved it. I just have to survive after church without buying anything. I don't think I have cash left so I should be ok in that area.

I went for a run this morning. Took about 30 min and it was awesome. I'm hoping to do the same in the morning, rain or shine. It's pissing it down right now.

Was 148.5, then after the run was 147.0 and when I got home 151.5lbs. I'm so fucked for Monday weigh in, doesn't matter if my scale was off and added 2lbs. I needed to be 147. Can I still get there?

I'm slightly concerned about the new focus on purging, but I really shouldn't be eating enough to warrant it. It will come in handy when i'm forced out for dinners etc, like the one at the end of this month for work. Even if I just purge salad, it's not being digested. Better than laxatives?

Who the fuck knows. I don't care. Maybe I will when I'm thin.

No TFIF

I didn't want Friday to come. It means tomrrow is Saturday.

I was 147.8lbs this morning. I'm 149.0 now, before I ate 4 cookies. I ate way too much today. I'm going to eat way too much tomorrow. I'm hoping to get around the sandwiches, maybe with some soup and a banana? I need to do everything I can to avoid taking laxatives. I want to. I keep thinking that it will really help after tomorrow.

But I can't.

I will eat tomorrow with my friend and her family but I will do everything I can to keep it under control. Then I'll fast. All tomorrow night, and all day Sunday. I want to go for a run tomorrow morning, then go for a long walk Sunday afternoon if the weather isn't too bad.

I need to be 147 max by Monday morning.

Fuck I hate being fat.

Okie Dokie

I was fine today. I ate at 1pm after having WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much coffee and tea. I was almost vibrating from having too much. On the way home from work I ate half a burger and drank a few gulps of milkshake. Tried to purge it with no success.

I then ended up eating a bunch of cookies and managed to very successfully purge those. But then ate 3 custard tarts (3? 2? Can't remember) and a bunch of pepermints I made for this weekend.

Bleck.

Hopefully this doesn't fuck up the scales tomorrow.

Can I just skip this weekend? Stupid bake sale. Maybe I'll forget to take money and get very caught up volunteering.

Weekend after I go home. I need to be a few lbs lighter.... like under 145. I"m close. If I didn't screw up too much today I should be at most 2.5lbs away. I can do that in a week ;)

Quickie

Not bad today. Weight: sucks. Food: Adequate. Gym: great!

Ate salad, yogurt, a piece of chocolate bunny (but they're all gone now!!!! ) a Luna bar and a bit of rice cake. Did an hour of Zumba, an hour of muscle pump, 15min running and 20 min swimming.

I feel exhausted. My stomach is growling, I feel like I could puke just at the thought of food.

I have to be down tomorrow.

Fuck muscles. I just want skinny.

I've fucked up again

It's all my fault....

I lost, the I gained. Just a bit. But it's too much.

I'm not eating any more candy out of that damn machine in the lunch room. It's one of my May goals.

I will drop at least 5lbs.

Tomorrow I'm going swimming after muscle tone and Zumba. Classes are switched tomorrow.

I still hurt from Monday's Muay Thai class. I didn't go to the gym today. I'm behind at work.

I need control again.

Fuck food. Cause of my problems.