Nothing much to say

I ate too much. I cried at work. I want to go home. I want to be thin.

I MUST be thin.

Down... for a short while

I was down to 147.2 this morning. I also felt like a limp noodle. I didn't want to get up out of bed and I could feel just exhaustion creeping through my body. I slept amazing though, 10hrs of out cold.

Got up, went to work, things were fine. I even went out and got wor wonton soup. I ate all the wontons and chunks of meat which I hadn't wanted to do, and then ate some of a chocolate bunny.

I then got word that a guy I worked with back at my old store died earlier today. He was a good man, a good husband and a good father. I went to school with his middle daughter, my Dad worked with him for years, my boss knew him for many many years. The store doesn't know, my former boss is telling them tomorrow. Am I selfish in being glad that I don't have to do it? I've already had to do that twice and I'm not even 30 yet.... It's draining, exhausting and makes it seem so unreal.

I purged a small amount of chocolate. I could have kept going but I had work to get done. I ended up eating my salad and more chocolate too, then when I got home, more chocolate. FML...

I'm pissed at my current boss. I took a stand with a customer, and he basically over rode it. I"m pissed. I get to talk to him about it tomorrow.

No gym, too much food. I'm fucking miserable.

Tomorrow I'm eating my salad, yogurt, rice cake and veggies for dinner. Light as possible, and hitting the gym after work. Then Saturday I'm only going to eat at the party and even then as little as possible, and Sunday try to eat almsot nothing. I don't think I'll hit 145 by the weekend, but 140 needs to be the goal for the end of May. It's 2.5lbs per week. I'm fed up of being fat. I want skinny. I like the control. I must have that control.

Bed. Work. Gym. Sleep. Then home for the weekend....

Meetings....

I knew today would be tough... and it was but I think I managed ok. There was room for improvement though!!!

I had a cup of coffee with splenda in it while I got ready, tea on my way to work and water once I got to the meeting. Had another cup of coffee there but it was super gross. Then they served lunch... I grabbed a bunch of salad minus dressing and a tiny bit of the ceasar salad loaded with dressing (it wasn't good so it was a seriously tiny bit). I even grabbed an egg sandwhich where I took two bites and left it. I also had a ladel full of soup but only ate half (tomato and I could taste the creaminess). I polished it off with a can of diet pepsi, and managed to avoid the treats. Until a bit later when I stuffed a mini carrot cake muffin loaded with icing in my mouth and then had a mini butter tart. Later they brought in veggies and fruit so I had 1 piece of pinapple and 3 smal pieces of canteloupe before indulging in the veggies. Stayed away from the carrots but ate 6 cherry tomatoes, several sticks of cucumber and a bunch of celery.

Meeting over I ate a rice cake and hit the gym. Banana after and now I'm at home, it's almost 11pm and I had 4 small chocolate eggs and a cup of tea. My stomach hurts, I'm trying not to eat. I don't know how to use my friends stove so I'm sure that is helping (she got a new gas one today) otherwise I'd steam up some veggies. Right now I'm too exhausted I hope to eat.

I got told today I'm training a new girl starting next week. I'm excited but nervous. I really don't want to fuck this up.

Also I got the email that my guitar is in!!! I had the guy check it out and it's signed, hand signed, not a stupid fucking stamp!!! OMG I'm so excited to get back this weeked to pick it up!!!!

The gym was good. I ran for 20min, did some hamstring curls before Zumba, which was kinda lame. Mostly because I didnt' know some of the steps and when we switched the way we faced due to the very bright setting sun, I couldnt see the instructor properly and couldn't follow along. Muscle Tone was much better though. I will feel that tomorrow. I spoke to the Scottish lady afterwards as she does some light swimming after. I'm joining her next week so that will be cool!

Hitting the hay. I may have a tiny bit of the puffed cereal so about 60cals, and will probalby head into work early to avoid being home around sweet stuffs (and kids!!!)

Damn it!

I feel a little crazy tonight. Only a little though...

I woke up on time, got out of bed late. Made it to work aout 10min late but no one noticed or cared. Got straight to business and in no time it was 10am, tea was finished and I was working on a delicious french vanilla roast black coffee...

By 1:30 my boss decided he needed some chocolate to settle his stomach and before I could really comprehend what I was doing the two of us ate one of those cheap chocolate walmart bunnies and fuck it tasted awful. I had my salad and one yogurt followed by two handfulls of Mike & Ikes.

Fuck

I then proceeded to work until 7:15pm so I guess being 10min late was nothing given I stayed an extra 4 fucking hours. No gym but my friend and I went for a walk for somewhere around an hour. She walks slower so I can't exactly say it was a brisk walk but I didnt have dinner so theres one victory!!!

The downfall was that chocolate proved ultimatly victorious as I ate a bunch when I got back home. I have no idea how much I ate, but I've had about 100 cals of 'real food' with a 100 cal of black natural licorice (figured I should lay off the ex-lax....)

But fuck it, whatever. I can't have had more than 500-600 cals of chocolate and I can deal with that for one fucking day.

Work pissed me off. I'm annoyed and fed up of dealing with all the shit from the previous manager. I'm also fed up of people just asking me to 'take care' of tasks. How about you do it for once? Fuck, whatever. I just don't care right now.

Talking to a friend today and I'm all wound up in my head. I'm fed up of being fat, of being me. I mean, I like who I am, but not in this shell. Time for me to change again. I need the 'new' me. Skinny me. I'll be happy then. I want to have people asking how I stay so slim, I liked having people comment on how skinny I was getting. Yeah, sure, when I drop 40 or so pounds I sure look slimmer but I'm still FAT. I don't look forward to the nagging but whatever. I want skinny jeans this summer!!!!

I can't even say I've got a plan. I've got a GW and an UGW. Sure, they're not too crazy, at least not now. I'm not saying I want to be 99lbs but what I do want I haven't been since I was about 12 ( I was a fat kid). Who knows, once I get there it will probably change (especially given that my original GW was 140 and I hit that and wasn't happy)

GW: 125 - BMI of 20.8

UGW: 119 - BMI of 19.8

I started again on Monday at a nice post Easter binge fat weight of 154.2lbs. Fuck.

Today I was 151.0lbs.

First goal is to hit 145, preferably by Saturday or Sunday morning.

Second goal is to get to 140 again.

I laid out some rewards a few posts ago, but I need to change those.

Nothing until 140.0, then I need a new gym shirt (I may need one sooner just coz I can't do laundry as often, but it will be cheap to get me by.) Once I hit that, another reward to follow.

Tomorrow, meeting and it goes all day so they'll try to fucking feed us. I'm hoping they'll let us run around on our own and I'll claim I have to hit a bank or something, grab a Starbucks and call it even. Hitting the gym, Zumba and Muscle Tone class from 7-9 and got to do a good workout before. Maybe legs? Coz I didnt go today I've got to do legs on Friday as I'm doing arms on Sat... maybe do shoulders tomorrow?

I'll see...

I'm feeling slightly less crazy now though... perhaps I just need sleep.

Tired...

So tired...

Work was ok. Got most of my list accomplished before having to deal with an asshole customer. Put my cover letter and resume in for the new position... I wonder how long it will be before I find anything out.

I did ok on food today. I didn't eat until 1pm, and then just a 35cal yogurt. Had the rest from 2-4pm and the rice cake on the way to the gym. Did end up eating that sucker, so add 20 cals. Unfortunatly I also ate the left over ju jubes in the car... fuck.

Did Zumba then joined the muay thai class. Besides smashing the shit out of my shin it was awesome. Did some arm work after but 3 hrs at the gym and I was exhausted. Had steamed broccoli and sprouts for dinner with a cup of tea. There's so much freaking chocolate upstairs but I avoided it all.

I need to sleep. My body is freaking out as it's so tired.

Ahhhh...

Today is Easter. An excuse to gorge and eat too much chocolate.

Of which I eagerly participated.

The past few days of digusting eating have caused me to BALLOON up. I can't even think about what my weight will be tomorrow. Fat, just fat, at this point.

I am back tomorrow though. A friend and I are doing it through FB. We're taking measurements, weighing and posting. We are similar weights but she is taller, making her bmi less. Her UGW is 4lbs less than mine, putting her right below the underweight bmi, while mine puts me right over it.

I have a GW, and an UGW. I plan to basically turn my brain back to what it was in September. I am going to hate food. Analyze every calorie, abhore sugar, pick over the protein. No fasts longer than 36 hrs (starvation mode etc). Coffee will be allowed, as will tea, but water requirements must be met. 2L per day. More as I get closer to summer.

No binges allowed.

I don't mean that I'm never going to have any treat again. I mean that treats will be VERY carefully portionned and allocated. They will be allowed when I reach certain goals. No breads, rice, pasta, potatoes etc.

Sometime around a year ago I hit 191 and began to lose weight. I've lost track over the last 4 months, but it only took me 3 months last time to get to what was my lowest weight since I was a teenager, should only take 2 months this time around at the most. If I do it right, I should be able to starve off these 10lbs by the end of May.... at least thats what I"m hoping for.

Ultimatly I want to be my UGW by the end of summer.

BRING IT ON!!!!!

Another Failed Day

Was supposed to be a fast day. I managed until just after my workout (had a coffee, tea, water and half a protein booster juice before then) when I had to go to bulk barn and buy supplies for Saturday. I told myself one piece of chocolate and I ended up with chocolate, gummy bears, trail mix and then I stopped in at a fast food joint and ate half a cheeseburger. On the drive home I had a thing of onion rings and once home, had a few of the mini eggs.

I suck.

I'm fat

I'm getting fatter.

I wish I could go back to January.

I was miserable but at least I was skinnier.

I have one week left in this place. I can't wait that long.

I'm going back through the old blogs tonight, see if I can find motivation and inspiration from back when I was happy to be down to this weight. I won't hit my goal of 140 by April 30th, but perhaps I can be back there by the end of May.

I start again tomorow. Church in the morning, and there's no staying for 'snacks' after. I can have just tea before, pop one of my caffiene pills on the way to the gym, and just water there. Home to shower, then off to my friends parents for dinner. It will be fish, so at least a lean protein, and I will say my stomach isn't happy and only have a small portion. If I can manage a huge cardio day I should be ok. I'm hoping to do at least 30-45 on the elliptical, maybe a 20 min run, some bike, steps and rowing (10 min each on the latter 2). Broken up of course in between weights. We'll see how the legs feel.

I'm hoping to avoid all the chocolate tomorrow, but I'll have to see how it goes. I have a diet Dr. Pepper, and I'll take water/crystal light, and drink black coffee (with Splenda if they have it.)

I hate my scales, but I'll get into that tomorrow. For now, starting weight tonight is 151.4lbs. Goal by April 30th, 145. 6lbs in 8 days.

Almost over

This month that is. I am so excited for the end of the month. It means I can get out of this house. I can get away from my friend and her constant mothering, quiet comments, feeding me etc.

She sent me a message today saying she'd made butter chicken for me. I"m not fucking eating butter chicken!!!!! I sent her a message saying I was thinking of just having soup and she kept pushing it... well there's some left over if I want, she's put some in a bowl for me, oh look, there it is in the fridge at the front when I get home. She did leave me some broccoli though and tried to offer me potatoes.

C'mon. I'm a fucking whale. I'm 150lbs. Again. I swore I wouldn't go over 140 back in January and here I am, 4months later carrying an extra 10lbs. It took me 4 months to lose it last time. At least last month I was bouncing from 144 to 151... Now I'm just a nice solid 148-151 or even worse 152.

Easter is this weekend. I'm terrified. I'm going to gain another 10lbs I swear. Plan is to overdo cardio tomorrow (I really hope I can get under 149 by morning) and eat nothing on Thursday, just have liquids and a protein shake (leg day... I'll need it as I'm with my ex-trainer), then on Friday eat as little as possible, and if I can't get out of it, take a laxative as late as possible. Saturday, light on food, Sunday as little as I can get away with and more laxatives. If dinner is early enough I should be ok.

Then on Monday, I quit sugar again. I managed today to avoid going into Superstore and buying bad stuff (which I'm super proud of), but I did end up dropping over $1 on the candy at work, and then ate 3 slices of bread at home. I just need to control the stupid things. It's only 10 more days but I have to keep a handle on it.

Tomorrow is salad, yogurt at work, rice cake on teh way home, luna bar before gym, banana and soup after (as it's at 9pm I'll be done....). Also, coffee while I'm at work too with splenda. Yummy.

Just begging to be less in tomorrow morning that I was this morning.

Rested

Busy day, and lots of food. I was 147 or something this morning, I was 151 after dinner and then I ate more. I also took 2 laxatives around 8pm. If they have the same effect as Friday/Saturday I'm good.

Tomorrow is back to work, back to eating like a robot, and the gym. Hopefully the laxative will help me resist as much food as possible. I'll still have my salad etc during the day, but hoping to just get by with steamed veggies for dinner.

Easter is in a week. I'm quite terrified. There'll be lots of food and I can't trust myself. I'll have to remember what it was like at Christmas as I was so good then and dropped nice and low right after. If I can get to 145 by the weekend, and then 142 by the following weekend.

Ugh, yet another month going down the tube.

Going to watch some of Black Swan and when the laundry is done going to bed... Bring on the cardio tomorrow!!!!

Not quite to plan

That was today all over. I got out of here late, it was snowing like crazy, and got back to my old home in time to change and begin the gym appt. Which was a complete waste of my time. I'm never going back for training. I'll use the gym there only to work out when I'm down visiting.

Hit the mall and grabbed a few things, then hit my old store before heading to my former trainers house. We hung out, had espresso (mmm) and then hit the Y for a workout. It was kinda yuck down there, humid and musty but we had a workout and left, heading back to his place for nuggets and Anchorman. Until then I'd only had a tea and water and then he fed me nuggets that he made. I ate four and I think he said it was either 230 cals or 420 cals for 4. I can't remember....

I hit up a friends house to drop off a cheque but hit Safeway before hand, and besides downing the Starbucks in record time I had chocolate too. I haven't eaten anything else but those ju jubes, peanuts and chocolate covered raisins are still sitting funny.

I avoided cupcakes tonight and even though I would love some of the Chinese in the fridge, I'm staying clear. I'm going to have some berry tea before bed I think and that's all. The laxatives I took last night worked wonders today. I think I'll take them tomorrow again after dinner so I can get rid of all that I eat tomorrow.

It felt really good to not eat today, but I have to eat tomorrow. I'm looking forward to not eating on Monday again. Wonder what I'm weighing in at today? At the gym he had me at 151 but he also told me my body fat was 29 and given that my trainer had me at 23 2 weeks ago thats not accurate.

Whatever... I need those thoughts to fuel my loss. I need to lose. I desperatly want to get back to feeling empty, losing my pants, getting new tattoos. I don't care about muscle gain right now, if I'm skinnier then the muscles will stand out more anyways.

See how long I can go sans food tomorrow... probably wont' be as long :(

Forks And Roads...

And I'm at yet another.

I binged again. I avoided the McDonalds, mostly because I was busy, but then went to Walmart and as an 'excuse' I bought a ton of food for the guys at work. But I ate so much of it. I also managed my salad and single yogurt.

I hit the gym, long enough to get a message that I'm working out tomorrow, and then left. Went out for my nephews birthday and ate so much, again. However, I've got laxatives this time.

I popped two. Going to down a ton of water and watch some of Black Swan and then go to bed. Heading back home in the morning, wanting to leave around 8am. Cardio in the morning, then weights in the afternoon. Pay for the guitar (!!!! :D !!!) and stop to pay for my Avon stuff.

My idea is to go as long as possible sans mange. So, tea, water, vitamin water, my Lipo 6 pills, more tea and maybe a Starbucks before I head back home if I am good all day.

I'm fed up of boucing, it's time to take control. I get the feeling that I may end up in an argument over 'rest' times with my old trainer. I can't tell him why I can't take a week off, and that will cause the fighting. If I can just go back to losing again instead of yo-yoing. I just am so terrified I will be one of those people who packs on the pounds. 15 days left.....

Another Day,

Another Binge.

Yeah, this time at FatBurger. I went with my boss after eating my salad. I ate that entire burger and fries, then went to starbucks and had cake and a brownie type thing with a white chocolat mocha. I also ate a ton of candy... so I dunno, 4000 calories? No gym today.

I was 146.2 this morning. I'm over 149 right now.

I was remembering earlier what I looked like at 140. I had hollow cheeks and when I smiled I had double lines as there was less fat to plump my cheeks out. I want that again.

Tomorrow is back to normal. Salad, yogurt and gym, then steamed veggies for dinner. Saturday I'm contemplating skipping eating. I know it's bad, but why not. It works. Then Sunday skip breakfast, have a treat after church and try to avoid lunch, then I'm making dinner. I should hopefully be able to get to 145 by Monday morning.

Maybe I'll go for a run on Sunday?

I need to be 140 by April 30th. I've got 2 weeks.

I'm just so fed up of being at this spot. I need to get traction again. I need to stop thinking I can eat normally. I need to become paranoid again.

Tomorrow, no more candy. I'm out of quarters. Stay out of the lunch room. Every thing I eat, think of what that is adding to my sizeable ass.

Slim's in... not fat.

I don't care

I'm in a pissy mood. Strange seeing as I was fine earlier.

I binged. I ate an entire tray of mini muffins from walmart, as well as the entire pack of $1 mini cruellers (or whatever the fuck they're called.) I also ate a ton of Mike and Ikes, and peanut m and m's at work. I even tried to get someone to go to Five Guys for fries for me.

Fuck

But I was down today. I also did go to the gym and do the Zumba and Muscle Pump class, so an hour of cardio (and it was good today!) followed by an hour of torture. I ate steamed veggies and 2 slices of bread for dinner.

I ate breakfast today so I think that's where the hunger came from. Tomorrow I close and no gym. I do have to go to Sharons to check on the cats before work, but I plan to sleep until at least 9am first. I'm hoping I can delay eating until 1 or so but that may not be possible depending on what my morning looks like.

I plan on having tea for the way to work (or Sharons) and maybe another decaff tea once I get there. Salad and yogurt for 2pm or so, and I dunno, I really want a burger. Yeah, so not doing well here. We'll see what happens tomorrow at work.

I also got in a mini disagreement with my trainer today. He said I need to rest. I don't want to. How can I explain to him why taking a week off from the gym is such a bad thing? I can't in any way that won't arouse suspicion.

I'm hoping I'm down again tomorrow. This eating a bit more has to work and I just have to stop being stupid about what I'm eating. Ex: I should take the other steamed veggies and a pack of soup tomorrow if I get hungry. Save the burger for a treat day.

I have 17 days left to hit 140 again. Can't do that with burgers and muffins.....

Change again

Today wasn't too bad. I ate more than I planned, but kept it reasonable overall. I had pancakes (7 grain) with scrambled egg whites and sausages around 2pm. Skipped the yogurt but ate the salad. Skipped the rice cake and then ate almost an entire back of peanut m&m's when I found out they're moving me stores again.

Good workout at the gym, 30 min elliptical, over an hour weights (leg day.. quads, glutes, calves and abs) and then 10 min on the bike. My legs are adequatly tired. They'll be exhaused tomorrow!

Ate 5 almonds, a banana and half a Luna bar after the gym, then had a slice of bread when I got back and one teaspoon of Nutella.

It's up there, probably right around or over 1200 cals. But I need to do this to sustain the loss. I'll eat light tomorrow, or lighter as I've sitll got a 3 hr gym session planned from 6-9. Lots of cardio tomorrow! So usual for lunch with something in the afternoon, maybe a soup or take an apple. No banana's left. Post gym, almonds and maybe soup when I get home if I want, but I really should have veggies. We'll see.

Prepared to put my foot down a bit tomorrow when I walk back into that store. I'm not happy I'm going but I have to make the best of it and do my damn job.

Witness

Busy day today, work, gym, check on the cats, witness an accident....

I'm super tired. Was when I woke up. Made it through the day denying all treats and I'm pretty damn happy with that. I ate my salad and 2 yogurts with a tea this morning, vitamin water and a decaffinated tea in the afternoon as I'd just had the Lipo 6 pill. Ended up eating the rice cake on the way to the gym as I was just so damn hungry.

Zumba was awesome, some interesting bollywood music and moves which was awesome. Very full class but I managed to keep up mostly so it actually felt like a bit of a workout. Did legs next and did something to my hip doing the deadlifts. It was really fucked, like my legs were going numb. Staying away from the deadlifts until someone can instruct me in the correct positioning. Sucks... need to do some more lifting on leg day 1 then. Did a 10min sprint at the end then off to check on the cats quickly. Swung by stupidstore where I bought cat food (I had to, they were out!), 2 bananas and 33c worth of almonds from the bulk section. I ate 5 of them and one banana.

On the way home I watched a car fly through an intersection and hit a cab, sending the cab ass over front at least 3 times. That 'thunk' of the cars hitting will be in my head for a while. It was pretty uncool. Kids (3 boys... 18-20?) got out of the car which was completely smashed up at the front, tire flat, gas leaking all over the place. Cab driver was upside down unconscious. I parked, hit the hazards and ran over with my phone but realised that a bunch of others had their phones also. Some youger guy shoved his phone at me and I ended up talking to the emergency call center people while some other dumb assed chick was running around screaming that she was already on the phone with the police so why was everyone else? It's not like you hang up when they tell you not to hang up. There were people wanting to move the car, get the driver out etc. Only thing we could do was crawl in and turn off the vehicle coz it was still running and letting out all sorts of shit, again gas everywhere. Driver came too, fire department got him out. Kid that was driving went to the hospital with his hysterical mom that showed up, and the cops tried to get rid of the people standing around watching even though they were not witnesses asked to stick around. I left after the cop talked to me about what I saw.

I wish I knew how the driver was. Those kids are going to be sore tomorrow but they're alive. Cab driver, dunno...

But time to try and wind down, need sleep so I can repeat today's sucesses (minus car accidents) and go for some hard core gym time. Leg day tomorrow....

What Do I Want?

Coz I don't know anymore.

I had half an oatmeal at breakfast, snacks after church, chocolate and nuts as a snack, salad for lunch, ice cream then pizza for dinner. That's now what I should have eaten.

I'm going to be over 150lbs tomorrow. I care but I don't.

Do I want to be skinny anymore? I wanted toothpick skinny. I wanted to be known as the skinny one not the fat one.

Now I want to be known as the strong one, the one with the well toned body, the muscles, the health and strength.

I still need to lose weight, but I want to lose fat not muscle. I need to drop it responsibly and not starve myself.

I think I'm going to find an unhappy medium. Go back to what worked back in Sept/Oct. Eat salads yogurt and rice cakes, then veggies and soups/salmon for dinner. Eat light during the week and have one 'normal' -ish day. Make sure my water intake is way up there, at least 2L per day and believe it or not, cut back on some cardio. I read something lately and my trainer and friend backed it up with his own personal experiences. Too much cardio doesn't work. Aim for 60-120 min on heavy cardio days, and 30-60 on light days, only 6 times per week.

I'll try it. I need something to work..

I'm 153.4 right now.... I'll be 15? in the morning. I hope the first few days I drop below 150 again and get rid of the bloated feeling. I want my flat stomach back ;(

Pizza

Fucked up day today. Woke up late, took a mug of tea shopping. Ate salad and fruit for lunch around 1230pm then headed to the condo I'll be living in soon. I was hoping to do a bunch of cleaning and organizing but she left a ton of stuff in 'my' room so I couldn't. I hung out with my cats, started reading 'Neon Angel' and did laundry after doing some vacuuming and dusting.

After much debating I did hit the gym but barely got an hour in before they closed. If only the dryer hadn't taken so fucking long!!!! Bah! Jumped on the elliptical for 10min then did shoulder/chest workout on the weights.

On the way home I ate 2 kids size ice creme cups from Marble Slab (meh and YUM!). Once home I had 2 pieces of pizza, 1 piece of bread and butter and a bowl of steamed broccoli and brussel sprouts.

And 2 laxatives.

I'm kinda scared. I feel so gross from the last few days and I'm hoping this will help. TMI but I'm pretty backed up, or at least that's how I feel. This stuff will only help the already digested food so the pizza and veggies will be stuck in there but at least it will 'clean' the rest out. Depending on how well it works I may have 2 more tomorrow to clean me out totally.

I'm kinda scared. Will I get horrible cramping? How long will it take? It said to take 1-2 before bedtime. I took them just over an hour ago. It said 6-12hrs... in 12 hrs I'll be finishing Church so I really hope it's over with by then! I'm anticipating dehydration and lower electrolytes. Water first thing in the morning, vitamin water right after, and a tea for church.

I read an article today about startavtion mode and metabolic damage. I totally think I'm flirting with the damage part. Also I'm cutting back too much too often. I need to amend that and figure shit out. 140 by the end of April isn't too bad a goal (Ignoring the fact I was 149.7 this morning... I'm 151.2 right now as I head to bed... I'm desperatly hoping for 148 or less by the time 'this' is all over, and hoping for 147 by Monday morning). I think I need to aim for around 800-1000 cals on hard core workout days, and 500-600 on non workout days, with one day being a higher day of 1000 without a workout. I need to be smart about it so cutting sugars, watching carbs, eating veggies etc but allowing the treat.

I just am so fed up of bouncing upwards. I just want to be skinny. I want to be musclular. Most of all I want my bones to show, I want to fit into smaller clothes.

Tomorrow up and shower for church. Before I was thinking on only having water, vitamin water and tea as I'm hoping for 'something' to happen. After church I'll probably have one of the treats they have out and will head to the new place to do another load of washing and some more cleaning. Hit up the gym on the way home. For food I'm not sure but I will need something before I go to the gym. I may grab a salad at a grocery store on my way to her house and eat it there. Or something. I'm also planning on having 2 of the Lipo 6 pills tomorrow, one when I get to her house, the other when I leave.

Need a huge workout. Do lots of cardio and it's another day of arms. Make up for today's lousy effort. Monday will be legs and Zumba, Tuesday legs again.

I have to be 145 or less by Friday. That's my goal for right now. My poor willpower needs to kick in again and remember what it's there for.

Here's hoping that my 'assistance' works tonight :)

Goals

So today I pigged out... I ended up reminding Keith about lunch around 2pm. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. So I ate rice, salmon, broccoli and pasta salad. Then I had a mini blizzard, followed by my Luna bar. For dinner I had a salad with feta cheese and low fat high calorie dressing and some kind of bento box thing with salmon but I didn't eat most of the rice. I'm going out to see Jane Eyre in an hour and I will eat popcorn and diet soda. I also ate half a cinnamon bun and a bunch of chocolate on the way home. (update, home from the movie and I ate popcorn, maltesers and half a diet soda.... Oh, plus all the bulk candy I didn't manage on my way home and there's still a bar of chocolate in my grocery bag that I may eat before going to bed.... 10 000 calories in one day? I may have been close today.)

So today is a write off.

Tomorrow we start anew. Again. One More Fucking Time.

So now I"m having goals. I will be 140 by April 30th. I assume I'll be around 150 by morning. Again. Gives me 22 days to drop 10lbs, and I'll do it.

So overall, here's what I plan:

If I can maintain under 144lbs for 3 days, I will allow myself a CHILD's size ice cream at Marble Slab. They're seriously tiny.

At 140lbs I will buy a new pair of jeans (I will need them soon!)

At 137lbs I will buy an iPod Nano (one of the new ones. The small square ones)

At 135lbs I will buy some Monster Beats headphones.

That's all I'm putting for now, but I think when I hit 125 I'll get that tattoo I've wanted for ages. Don't know which one yet. Maybe get one at 130 too....I can decide that once I crack 137.

How am I going to do it? I can't starve. It's leading to binging too much. I need to relax the IF a bit in some situations too, especially weekends and if I'm offered something small.

During the work week:

-skip breakfast. Have my mug of tea.

-avoid food until 1pm or so, but if I'm offered something small (like this morning some almonds) I may have a small portion.

-eat lunch staggered. Start off with the salad, then the yogurt at least an hour later. Need to take something else also, fruit or rice cake but not necessary to eat.

-pills about an hour before going to the gym.

-water water water water. If I need something in the afternoon (or on an evening shift) black tea that I take with me.

-very very very limited Starbucks. It's causing the binges. We're talking one every 2 weeks on a payday or something. Aim for black coffee or an Americano otherwise.

-pre gym on Weds when I have the late classes, one Luna bar, half before half after.

-Dinners are steamed veggies, salmon, soup etc. Light as possible.

-Night snacks are limited to dry cereal, fruit, etc.

Weekends

-avoid breakfast where possible. If not, eggs or oatmeal. Perhaps ONE slice of toast but only once on the weekend.

-coffee is black.

-skip lunches where possible. Salad otherwise.

-Restrict dinners as much as possible. Again, soups, salads, salmon, veggies etc.

-Restrict snacks.

Overall

-NO MORE SUPERSTORE. Avoid at all costs!

-No restaurants. No Drive Thrus. Nothing that I don't make myself unless I can not avoid it.

-Treats are popcorn, nutella, fruit, cereal, rice cakes etc.

-Sugar is my enemy. It worked so well when I was watching my sugars and now I'm all over the damn place. Chocolate and cakes are killing me. I need to opt for fruit if I'm having a craving, and if that's not available one of the crystal lites or a tea.

-Gym minimum of 4 times per week, maybe add in some excess cardio once I move out of this place. I shall have to see how it works in with time and life etc as driving to and from work is cutting into my life in general. But so is being social with the friend I'm living with...

-Take it (as lame as this is ) one day at a time. Get past day one, get to day two, then day three and before I know it I'll be back to 140 and back on track.

I remember how hard it was to get into this to begin with. It was so easy to drop weight as I had so much to lose. Now it's down to a smaller number. I'm considered a 'healthy' weight by numbers, but I sure as hell don't look it.

Next weekend I am hoping that I will be joining two friends for an outdoor training session. I'd prefer to be sub 144 so I'm not carrying around all this extra flab.

It's lame, it's a cliche but damn it, thinner FEELS BETTER!!!!!

Not All Is Lost

At least that is what I have to believe. So I binged again, this time on donuts, and gained another 2lbs during the day. I'm not going to put that much on overall. I can and will recover. I had about 600 calories before eating some M & M's, then I hit a Tims on the way home. Several tim bits, half a boston creme donut, a chocolate danish and half a muffin later and I feel pretty damn gross. Just having some black currant tea and then bed.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym. An early start, hoping to be at work by 7am or so, with tea as usual. Keith said he'd buy me lunch, if he remembers I will probably eat lunch. They keep offering, if I say yes once it will shut them up for a bit. If he forgets (and I won't be reminding him!) I'll have my usual salad and yogurt and I'll take a Luna bar for before the gym. Off at 5 so gym by 6 and try for 2 hours, more if I can. Soup or just broccoli for dinner depending on what time I get back and how I feel overall.

Just felt so damn depressed all day and I think I'm going to blame the Starbucks for these binges. I think I just need to stick to the Americano's or just plain old coffee (even better, have my own tea!!!).

Binge....

Pretty much, but that's not how it started. I was tired when I woke up, barely dragged my ass out of bed. Roads were very congested driving to work and I was late, downing my entire tea on the drive. I started in on the water and did my floor shift so I was super busy until 1pm. Then I was STARVING. I ate my salad, got kicked out of the office so I hit up Starbucks for a Skinny grande caramel mocciato (130 cals and 18g sugar...). I then ate my yogurt and 4 strawberries, all totalling less than 300 cals.

I cracked. I was hungry, tired, shaky, and realising that I had still to hit the gym and wouldn't be home for another 6 hours despite having left home 7 hours previous. I bought a big bag of maltesers and ate almost the entire thing. (One of the guys had a few...) I then sat there CRAVING more chocolate. Made it to the end of my shift and drove to the store thinking I would grab a few things, have a bite of each, and toss it out on my way into the gym.

Somewhere while wandering around the store I decided that it would be a great idea to skip the gym today. So I bought chocolate covered caramel balls, chocolate covered ju jubes, liccorice allsorts and a cheese bun. (candy from bulk and I did do tiny amounts, not one of them cost over $1). I started in on the candy right away and then polised off about half of the cheese bun. While driving home I decided I really wanted a burger, so off to Burger King it was for a bacon double cheeseburger meal. I dunked the burger in the gravy, ate half of it, a few fries and stuffed it all back in the bag.

Once home at my friends I then decided to make supper. I had a small piece of salmon, 2 slices of white bread with margarine, and steamed broccoli. Once that was gone I had a few prunes and then my friend came home. She made tea and gave me a huge piece of chocolate cake, and then after she went to bed her husband gave me some popcorn and I had another slice of bread with margarine. Then (yes, I continued to eat!!!) I ate about 6 or so strawberries with nutella on them, and a 100cal licorice stick. I'm hoping that all the licorice will help make this all go away.

I did have a benefiber tablet during all of this also ....

I was 143 this morning.

I'm 147.5 now.

Oh fuck.

I want to not eat tomorrow but I'm not sure that's possible. I close so 1-10. I think I'll head in for noon, have my usual tea, pick up a coffee, have water, vitamin water and a cup a soup but I'll also take a salad and yogurt to accompany it. I should be able to do under 300 cals tomorrow but no gym time.

I feel so gross.

I wish I could purge but I know it's too late and I know I won't get much of it out.

I have to behave tomorrow, friday and saturday now, and will have a small treat on Sunday.

I can't believe I've fucked up my weight that much. I can only hope desperatly that I"m around the 145 range by morning and can starve the rest off by Saturday. Not the end of the world, but a massive set back.

Wander: Glad you like the new blog :) I do too.... probably my obsession with Green Day lol!

Another Day

Only one fuck up today and it wasn't caused by me. Keith bought me a chocolate shake from Peters and I had to try it. I've never had one before and it's very famous around the western part of the country. They've even got some quote from Hugh Jackman about how much he loves their shakes from when he filmed something down here. It's one of those mom and pop shops that's been going since the 60's and is ALWAYS busy. I only drank half (I know, only too much but he was sitting right there.) and chucked the rest, having my salad, yogurt and 2 of the Lipo 6 pills. I'm not sure they're doing anything but you never know. I need to take them for longer methinks, but the caffiene really isn't bugging me at all.

I skipped the post gym rice cake and had soup and broccoli for dinner, followed by 3 prunes, 3 strawberries with nutella and a very very small handful of dry cereal. According to my scales I'm 145 and at the gym I was 146.5 so I think they're fairly accurate. I just have to stick the scales on one specific spot on the uneven tile and it seems to hit it just fine.

Lame day at the gym, only 1.5 hrs. All day I could feel the top of my right hamstring bugging me really badly, like it was going to pull, so I figured I'd go a little light on cardio. Did 25 min on the bike, then proceeded with my leg day. Had to skip one piece of equipment as there always seemed to be people on there. Catch up with that tomorrow.

Got two visitors in the store tomorrow so it's sure to be a busy day. Again, skip food for as long as I can, but I may have a coffee also (which means no pills). Again, salad and yogurt then off to the gym and have the rice cake after. I may consider a Luna bar also as it's going to be 2 hours of classes and late ones. Come home to a cup a soup and tea, then bed. I wasn't planning on doing much more than some cardio, the Zumba and the Body blast class, give myself a little bit to recover as Friday it's up to upper body and I'll do a huge day on Saturday. I'm thinking I'll just do all abs on Sunday mornings as well, that way I can hit them at the gym during the week but devote some time to them on one day also. Anyways, trying for less than 500 cals and hoping to hit around 144 by morning.

Tired, wanted to be asleep by now.... and I will probably dream about the licorice flavoured shake they have. I will have to try one at some point, on a treat day. I will also say I'm proud of myself for not having a donut or even a piece of a donut when I wanted one so badly in the lunch room, also for not having a piece or few of my friends Hershey chocolate that I accidently found, or anything else really. My 2 strawberries and that was it. Now I just need to stick with it until Sunday when I can have a treat... and then it will be a decision as to what to have?

Oh boy...

Mission

I'm on a mission,

I made my decsion,

On a path of self-destruction.

- Geek Stink Breath

I can't weigh myself accuratly and it's going to fucking kill me. Today I had 3 numbers... 144.4 (good!) 146.4 (baaaad) and 147.1 (faaaaaaaaack). All on the same scale on the same damn spot done several times in the morning. I don't know which one to go with, but I may as well record it... If I take the highest number it will hopefully motivate me to drop more. However, I will step on the scale after my workout tomorrow at the gym and use their scales. If anything, that should be the most accurate. Maybe I will do that once a week and use that as an official number?

I woke up late, as in 10am late. Holy shit, latest I've slept in months!!! Got up, showered and made tea then headed to my friends parents to help them unload a U Haul trailer except it was pretty much done by the time I got there. Then they served lunch. I managed one sandwich with bread (2 slices at 60cal each) a bit of tuna (I guesstimated around 50 cals as it certainly wasn't half a can that I had) with some mustard and a tiny barely there spreading of calorie wise miracle whip. 7 pickle slices for a total of 30 cals and water. I figured I was around 250 cals. I skipped the girl guide cookie for desert.

Back at the house I managed to avoid yet another cookie serving and headed out to chat with the lady I will be living with next month. Back in time for their dinner which was some kind of casserole made with hamburger meat, tomato soup, pasta, mushrooms and I'm not sure but there may have been cheese involved. She had some veggies too, but they were cooked in a frying pan. I ate mostly veggies but had some casserole and then she served me pudding for desert.... I felt so sick after that. I managed just to have water, crystal lite and tea for the evening until just now. As in I started writing this having eaten nothing since 7pm, and now It's 10:20pm and I just ate 5 cookies and a piece of bread. I'm still fighting the urge to go eat more....

I'm going to be a fucking whale tomorrow.

IF is back on tomorrow. I won't eat until at least 2pm (3 if I can handle it) and then I will only take salad and yogurt so around 100 cals for food. Tea, crystal light, vitamin water and water will be the order of the day. I'm also going to have one of my new Lipo-6 pills around 2 or 3. It won't be as good as the ones my trainer gave me, so I should have a pleasant buzz from the caffiene by the time I hit the gym.

Plan tomorrow is to do a very light warmup on an elliptical or treadmill ( I get off work at 5pm, class starts at 6pm) do the Zumba class, then spend at least one hour doing day one of my training (I can't remember what day it is... arms? Legs? It should be legs really giving me enough time to recover for Wednesday.) head home and eat soup or steamed veggies. Idea is to have less than 500 cals and do a hardcore workout.

I need to drop the weight. I need to stop the binging. I need to stop the senseless bullshit. I need to control my intake. My mission for April is to get to 140. I will do this by eating VERY little monday thru friday, then avoiding as much as possible on Saturday and then eating with the family on Sundays but light light portions. I'll probably go with Sunday as a 'treat' day as that's when I will be tempted mostly.

Bring it on.....

Transition

Today I left my home city, again. I did this 7 years ago and now I'm trying again. I'm excited, and sad. I know that friendships will change, but some will strenghten.

I also know that this is a new start. I can leave so many bad things behind. Bad habits, decisons etc. I will not have the same amount of people watching me and in a month, will have one less.

In other words, it's time to get down to business and drop this weight.

We did measurements on Friday and they weren't good. I clocked in at 146.5 pre workout with no food so it's pretty accurate and gained 2lbs of fat and no muscle. He pointed out that I'm only 7lbs away from the goal.

It was his last day too meaning that I'm now on my own. He will hopefully be up and running at the end of the month in his new gym but there's no guarantee for that. I've bought a blank notebook so that will be my training diary, one he can look at. I'll record weights, exercises, reps and cardio. Also, anything else in the day too like if I felt sick, weak, tired etc. He thinks 4 days and we have a 4 day plan set up, but I figure if I can hit the gym for 5 days I should be ok. Especially as one day will be the double class. Do Day 1 on Monday, 2 on Tuesday, Weds the double class, Fri day 3 and Sat day 4. Gives me Thurs and Sunday off. I'll have to see how it goes. I'll start on Monday.

I also am planning new food stuffs. I'm going to keep some elements of the IF but modify it a lot. I don't think I'll eat at all in the mornings, just tea and water. Maybe eat at work before hitting the gym but then just a yogurt and salad. Have one of my new Lipo6 pills for some workouts (legs and maybe one other day as I'm not sure how I'll react to them. If it works well, I'll take more) and then post gym some steamed veggies, soup etc. I will have one larger food day, probably Sunday, to try and counter any binges, but it won't be a massive food day.

My goal is to end April at 140 or less. That's under 2lbs per week, should be very doable. If I hit 2lbs/week then I should be 138 by the end of April. I can take that!!!!

Today I ate more than I wanted. I was fine until I had some white chocolate ice creme at around 8pm tonight, then had some lentil soup, followed by 1.5 slices of pizza and some cookies. If only I had stopped at the soup.... I can't even get a good number as to what I am on the scale but I may try.....

Tomorrow I should be fairly active, helping my friends family unload a trailer full of stuff from her Great Aunt's that died several weeks ago. I know there's a piano in all of that so I will be hauling heavy stuff... now only to avoid food....

One More Day

I slept in a bit and woke up in time to get to the gym. I was so tired. My legs are tired, my physical being is exhausted. I need to just chill but I can't. My trainer noticed it too and I blamed it on lack of sleep. I made it through the hour and he suggested I buy some caffinated energy booster (not an energy drink. These have no sugar and are only 5 calories) I did but it wasn't as good as the pills he gave me last week. I need to find some like that.

Home and straight into cleaning for a few solid hours. I got almost everything done and am staying the night in my sleeping bag in the living room.

I was doing fine for food today. I didn't eat ANYTHING until about 7pm and I had some pretty miserable cravings earlier also. I ended up heading to Stupidstore to get a salad, but ended up with a salad, a single piece of white chocolate almond bark, a few chocolate covered raisins, a croissant, a jr chicken from mcdicks and I think that was all. I ate most of the actual chicken patty and dumped the bread, mayo and lettuce, I had a few bites of the croissant but chucked the rest and spat out at least one mouthful. I ate all of the almond bark and the raisins and half of the salad. I have no idea how many calories it was.

Tomorrow is another busy day but a good one I hope. It's payday for one, so off to buy tax software, Black Swan and Love And Other Drugs (if they have blu ray) and blinds to replace mine that the cats destroyed. Hitting a friends for coffee bright and early, then back home to finish packing etc. Somewhere in there I'd like to hit up GNC to see if they have anything similar to what my trainer gave me last week. Gym in the afternoon, tons of cardio as I don't think we'll do much weights as it's my last official session, more going over what I've learned so far. Food? Well, I will have to eat I suppose, but when I'm not sure. I've got a 1.5 hr massage at 6:15 to 7:45 (ahhhhhh I will so need it!) and won't be able to eat much later than that.

It'll all be figured out as I go.