First time!

I actually dripped sweat at the gym today. I know, gross but I NEVER drip! I don't think I ever have!

I was 145.5 this morning.... I can't believe that! I was 147.5 when I got home from the gym so I'm not too pleased with that but hopefully it will go down overnight. I'd appreciate 146 by morning.

Work was ok, gym was good. Got invited to the 6:15pm spin class tomorrow. Get the feeling I'm a gonna die!

Heading into work early so I can leave early and mabye do some weights beforehand. Do the 45min of spin and be done for the day. 7pm heading home sounds good.

Made plans for Saturday, gonna see Shane :)

I need that number to go down otherwise I'll start losing faith. That or I need it to start being noticable fat loss....

I still can't post properly, wonder if that's affecting how comments are working. Blogger pisses me off.... I'll email them if it still isn't working tomorrow.

I dunno

Anymore....

I ate today. I forced down the plain oatmeal, couldn't fit much in. Got the eggs down too... By the 11am meal I was full. I sat at the desk curled over, my stomach aching. My boss, who knows about the purging, asked me if I was ok.

Telling people was a massive relief but it's going to be a giant pain in my ass.

I made it thru the day. I did splurge on a tall sugar free vanilla bean latte with non fat milk. Apparently 150cals? I went to the gym despite feeling exhausted.

But I did it. I'm lower than I was yesterday and hopefully by tomorrow I will be the same weight I was last week. I have to make sure I'm recording the weight every day.

Getting easier

I ended up talking to two more people today that I wasn't planning on. The girl I spoke to told me that she too has suffered. When she was 8 she just decided that she didn't want to eat anymore and ended up being anorexic for 3 years.

I ate a burger today. Skipped one of my meals to do so.

Hit the gym, lame leg day and zumba. I'm just so tired.

It's 1030pm and I may just go to bed.

Cheat day

Figured I'd have my cheat day on Sunday, today, just so I can get into a rhythm and gives me will to survive this for another week.

I had my eggs and oatmeal for breakfast and left for the new church with a black coffee and 2 rice cakes.

I had decided my cheat day would begin after that with a salad from the Co-op Salad bar and some chocolate covered raisins and would end with that.

I went a bit stupid. I ate a salad, chocolate covered raisins, bridge mix, shrimp rolls (only 1), almost an entire bag of marshmallows, a ton of banana bread and my dinner as per the plan minus the almonds.

I was 147.5 this morning, 149.5 now. I just have to remember what Aaron said. You don't gain 2lbs of fat overnight.

Tomorrow is back on the plan. And back to work. I'm happier with a few things, but others still piss me off. That asshole I got into a fight with last week still hasn't talked to me and I still plan on avoiding him. Feeling left behind this week as the rest of them (others in my position in other stores) are out East for a big meeting. I'm still pissed, and no one seems to give a damn. I'll just let it fester.... I know that's bad but right now I don't care.

Have plans for the weekend already, then work will be even more retarded.

Bed.... Early up to eat all that damn food!

And WTF is with blogger? I can't use the editing features (like using the spacing format so I don't get paragraphs all bunched together all retarded) and I can't post. I have to save the draft, then go into edit posts and publish by clicking on the draft and the 'publish' button... BAH!!!!!

Sucess!!!

Today was good! I was 1.5lbs less than yesterday (water weight I bet....) and then started eating. Had to take off early to help with the garage sale but I got both parts of breakfast in before hand.

Other than the specific times, I stuck to the diet sheet. With the exception of the extra protein shake and the 3-6-9 fish thing I'm supposed to take (240 cals per serving!!!). I ate 1310 calories. I"m kinda floored. I even got hungry between meals, and feel full now. I'm 149.0 before my tea, so I could lose again tomorrow.

Good workout in also. Did it right, with the cardio after weights. After the gym hit up Stupidstore and bought tons of chicken/turkey/sole/salmon along with veggies, oats and NO SHIT FOOD!!!

I'm well and truly tired now.

Cheat day tomorrow, and cardio day. It's more of a cheat half day, so I get to eat until I do the cardio then eat the new normal diet for the evening.

I'm thinking chocolate covered raisins.....

Kes and Nasimiyu, I had a heck uv a time trying to comment last night. I finally managed to comment on one blog but it took several loggings in and out. Also couldn't format my own post, same with now. I can't highlight anything. Thank you both for your comments :) I'm still desperate to lose weight but I really don't want to purge anymore. I don't want that to be part of my life.

Friday...

I freaked out on blogger yesterday. I wrote two very long posts and they both somehow ended up erasing as I was formatting.... then seconds after the letters deleted, blogger saved the new draft as blank.

I almost cried.... lie. I almost put my fist through my laptop screen.

Yesterday was hard. I told two people I work with about my b/p tendancies. One was my boss and he pretty much knew already.

Why did I do it? I don't know. Part of me is fed up of looking at a plate of food and either going overboard or refusing to eat at all. I want to be lean and fit. Aaron, the new trainer, has given me a diet. I just need to follow it.

Today was a fail on that but a success this evening. I ate chocolate raisins and then tried to purge... mostly water came up. I did however make the quinoa and had salmon and veggies for dinner after a good workout.

I was 150 this morning, but 149.5 now. I need to follow this. I need to do this. A month. I can make it a month. Drop 10lbs of fat, get leaner. Give it a try. 135 doing it the right way instead of the last 6 months of failing to do it the wrong way?

Tomorrow is the church's garage sale and I'm there at 9am. Leave the house by 8:30am. I wanted to run but I don't know if I'll have time. I have to be up at 7am to run, and then only go for 30 min. I may do it, just as a trial. Go to the gym after the garage sale. I've got my food prepped so I can try to follow the diet. I need to go buy a bunch of stuff too. Fish, and chicken being the big ones, and more quinoa.

I get a cheat day. I may make it Sundays. I may eat chocolate raisins.....

I have the plan...

And it's scary. 1700 cals per day. That's a pretty intense amount of food!

I thought about starting tomorrow. I still haven't decided. I may go into work early and give my poor legs a break, eating, but eating lightly tomorrow? Finish off what I can't eat on my new plan.

Got in a fight at work, as in a yelling match with one of the other managers. He's an idiot. I have no idea why he's in our team. I am not his paper bitch. I am his equal (though as he's 'acting' technically I'm above him in the heirarchy.) Not worth my time or effort.

I'm tired.... I'm going to hurt tomorrow.

Turn of events?

I met the new trainer today. It was hard admitting to the food issues, but I did. He took it seriously. He's still willing to take me on though, but not right away. He's busy with some other girls for contest prep so it would be late August. Which is fine for me. I am paying him for one diet. $50 for one plan. To try.

His concern is the 'cheat days' and if I'll know how to stop or when to stop. Also if I've ruined my metabolism how long it will take to recover it.

He says I can do it. Due to my big legs (thanks speedskating....) I need to focus on bulking up the upper body and ignoring the legs to lose some of the bulk. Also, a massive focus will be to make me lean. AKA lose the chubb. Which I am fine with. I can work with that.

I'm 146.5 this morning. I told him 146.0. He wants me at 135 by the end of August. I'm a ok with that! It's what I've wanted for months. He's giving me a diet that I have to follow to a 't'. It's going to be high protein, controled carbs. I'm going to try it, even though right now the idea of eating that much is terrifying.

I have to wait until I see it, which will be tomorrow.

I made a new blog. This one will be me. The real me, not the online me. It will ONLY be about my attempt to do this contest thing, food and exercise blog. No b/p reports etc as this may be made public. I'll link it here once things get going, but it's not a blogger blog.

After leaving the new gym I discovered it seemed very dark outside. Grabbed my camera as I left and snapped a few shots:

Yup, that's a funnel cloud on the left. What a beauty!!! Hard to believe this was around 7pm. It poured, it hailed, thunder and lightning. I ended up pulling over as the visibility was shit and the roads were starting to flood. Still got a severe storm watch hanging over us despite the clear skies. Humidity is super high and you never know what will blow up overnight. What happens when you go from 30-15C in an hour.

Golfing sucked. I hated it. Photos are terrible, I look massive. Stupid giant legs. Group ended up being split up so I felt left out again. But whatever. I was in my element later despite being snubbed continually. Fuck 'em all. I'm going to prove that I can do this, that I am the best despite the shit I have to deal with.

Watching Gilmore Girls (again ) and it's the best episode, the one where Luke and Loralai kiss <3

Ah, Monday

Today was a good day, again. I ate quite a bit, but it wasn't too bad. 146.5 this morning. I had my half an oatmeal, salad, 5 m&m peanuts, half a yogurt, a souvlaki thingy from Opa (chicken, salad and pita bread) and then hit the gym.

It was fucking roasting today.33C!!!! Zumba had me soaked and I don't sweat! (to clarify, no beads of sweat, I was just fairly damp. I almost took off my top layer... I wear two shirts, a sleeveless sports top and a very thin almost sleeveless top over that. Did a leg workout, maybe 2hrs total?

Hit Stupidstore on the way home for a collared shirt for golfing tomorrow. Ended up with almond bark, caramel balls, and trail mix...Ate all of that and then couldn't finish my soup. I was 147.5 pre soup, no idea what I am now.

I'm meeting with a potential new trainer tomorrow. He knows the Zumba instructor (she reccomended it) who knows about my food issues. She told me I have to tell him, up front, and he may or may not take me on due to that.

What do I say? I binge, I purge, I hate that I do either. I restrict, I over exercise, I don't eat at times, I can't stop myself at others. I hate my body, I hate the way I look, I will never be thin enough. I will always find fat.

I want to do this. I want to do this fairly rightly. I want to get my eating under control and lose weight smartly and gain muscle. If I can get to 130 by doing it the proper way I'd be content (but for how long?).

I'm terrified. I don't know what he'll say. I don't want to hear that he won't take me on, that I can't do this, that he doesn't reccomend I do this. What do I do then?

6pm tomorrow. I'll find out.

I haven't told Shane either. I feel terrible, almost like I'm cheating on him. Even though we have no idea if he's going to be training again, and is it really practical for me to be driving 2hrs south every month to see him? How efffective is that?

I miss him. I miss his friendship, his advice, his humour. I miss seeing him. I miss just being around him.

Fuck. I'm useless.

Last Lazy Day

At least for a while. I really did almost nothing. I've spent the last 8hrs sitting on my bed watching Gilmore Girls and playing computer games. I ate....but not too badly. I had cereal, a good sugar free organic type, coffee with splenda, then around 2pm a salad with lettuce, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumber and tuna. I did eat some chocolate raisins but that and the lone oreo were all.

I was this morning (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!) and I was 147.5 last time I checked... Dare I hope for 146.5 tomorrow?

Tomorrow I'm doing a leg day. First one in a while, and I'm doing a full out one. Means I need some fuel in me.

Oatmeal for breaky, tuna salad for lunch, yogurt, fruit for snacks. For dinner, leftover soup. Hit the gym, warm up, do the leg workout and cooldown with Zumba (or go back to legs after... have to see how work goes)

Last day of the Stampede today. Fireworks haven't gone off yet and it's 11:21. Last night it was nuts. Fireworks then a few cracks of VERY close lightning. Wouldn't mind tonight being similar. It's so crazy hot that a good storm would cool things down nicely. I'm never going to fall asleep.

Nasimiyu, thanks :)

First Saturday....

It's been a while. Today was the first Saturday that I haven't gone home, that I haven't volunteered, that I've had the day almost all to myself.

It was glorious.

:

I dragged my ass out of bed at 830am and quickly debated hitting the 9am Zumba class. Got there 10min late but the instructor spotted me anyways so I joined in. Had fun, worked up a sweat (as much as I can... it's really annoying to hear 'you're not even sweating' when I pretty much don't sweat. I don't think I've ever had a bead of sweat form, or drip down me.... ) Worked on abs, biceps, triceps, lats. Felt good.

Got my hair cut. Went back to the awesome place I went to last time. It's an older African-American woman and I think her husband that run the place. She's very friendly and I love how old school this place is. While I was in there two men came in for a shave from her husband. I don't think I've seen that since I moved to Canada! Well worth the $30 haircut!

Once home I had scrambled egg whites and cleaned the house.

I was 147.0 this morning. I was 146 after the gym.

Went grocery shopping and ate trail mix, chocolate raisins and a bunch of other shit. I also bought that spicy cheesy dip for chips. I ate half the jar..... Last time I checked I was 148, probably 149 by now.

So, fail on day 2 of 500 in 5 or 5. I need to be 147 by morning to be on track. That, or starve until I can get to 146 by Monday morning...

Other than that, I've chilled out at home, done laundry, ate far too much... blah blah blah... I'm still trying to wrap my head around finding a new trainer. I emailed the one reccomended but haven't heard back yet.

Tomorrow I'm hitting the 'new' church for the 10am service, then head home. It's supposed to thunder tomorrow and given the last few pedictions have fallen flat I should be safe to hit the trails and go for a ride (meaning that it will probably storm). Fix my flat tire, go for a ride... then just chill, or play guitar... or something.

My leg hurts and I don't know why. It's been a while since it's hurt. Perhaps I should try that cream?

Day one!

149 I think this morning. I can't remember. It may have been 149.5 (more likely). I can't find my damn notebook which is very concerning as it's got EVERYTHING in it. It's not at work, I know that. It's got to be at home here somewhere.

So by Tuesday morning I need to be144.5lbs.

Today was meh. Got a ton of shit figured out at work, ate wor wonton soup, not the broth but I have no idea on calories. (tons of veggies... maybe 300 cals?). I also ate some cherry tomatoes, dried apricots, one turtles, and 3 oreos. I'll have some tea so not 500 cals, but I'm hoping it's not over 800 cals.

Heard from Shane again. He's calling it quits. I need to find a new trainer. I'm miserable and I feel like the rug under my feet has been yanked away. I will miss him. I don't know that we will stay friends. When I'm down next I will harass him out for a coffee or something, just to see how things go.

Went to the gym, did the private Zumba class. After she gave me the card of a trainer at another gym, someone who knows about bbing. She also told me I need to tell him about my food issues. She doesn't know I restrict, she only knows that I binge/purge on occasion and am trying to stop. I get the feeling from her that if I tell the truth I won't be 'taken' on as a client. I will try, but if he won't take me, I'll find someone and not tell them about that part of me.

And as fucked up as this is... the 500 for 5 in 5 should be going well. I'm 148 right now, so a loss of 1.5lbs already plus a probable .5lbs by morning.

Havent' decided if I will go for a run or hit the super early 9am Zumba class....

Either way I'm tired and am going to crash.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand BINGE!

Another day.... work was work. I got to see my old boss and kinda unload on her. She's not happy with how things have gone but hopefully as the district managers return from all their vacations things will look up a bit. For now I will continue to try to be perfect.

And I fucking binged. I hurt from yesterday so decided to skip the gym and instead hit Stupidstore for a nice binge. Oh, also found a fish and chip shop in town (considering I'm an ex-pat finding a chippy here i very difficult as I'm incredibly particular) that actually tastes not too bad. Which of course is a bad thing.

I was 147.5 this morning. I'm 150.5 now.

Next plan is to do 500 and 5 in 5.

500 cals max ever day for the next 5 days and a minimum weight loss of 5lbs from what ever I am tomorrow morning. Zumba tomorrow, run on Saturday, run or ride on Sunday, gym monday and tuesday.

Done. Last binge today for the summer. I am getting THIN as of now!

Kes: Thanks :)

Wander: Try a Zumba class! It's so much fun! I go in track pants and a tshirt coz I'm self conscious. Just try it once. If you hate it, don't ever go back. But you may surprise yourself. I sure as hell did. Have a FANTASTIC trip!

Came back from vacation to find new followers :) Yay! And HI!!! *waves*

I swear I'll catch up on blogs tomorrow.

BAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

What a weekend!!!! Here's the down-lo!

Saturday I packed and hit the road. Got to town later than I wanted, but it wasn't too late. No appointments available for getting my hair cut so I bought jeans instead. Finally managed to comfortably fit into a 29! First time I can remember. Next up, the 28's...need to lose some fat on my ass and legs first though. Went grocery shopping for the camping trip, grabbed a bunch of chocolate munchies but I didn't eat more than a few pieces of it. Got to my parents just in time to change, pick a few pieces of lettuce off the salad I brought and hit Shanes.

We went to the local park and had a training session outdoors. First time I've ever hung from the monkey bars by me knees before! It wasn't too much hard work, mighty warm though. After we sat on the grass and hung out for a bit. Saying goodbye outside of his place I got another of his awesome hugs. Most of the time I get a hug that's a half hug from a guy, one of those 'friend' slap you on the back kind of hugs, but Shane's hugs are epic. It's the full on hug, my head on his chest, both arms around my back, mine around his. No back slapping involved. Yes, I'm over detailing this as it's one of the very few times that I ever receive a proper hug from someone I don't mind it from. Anyways, we stood outside and chatted for a bit then I finally said I had to bail as I was meeting someone else. He stuck his hand out behind him and i grabbed it. It was just a wierd moment, but cool all the same.

Raced home, showered, and headed out to meet a new friend. She's a bodybuilder, competed last week and is competing again in another weekend, also uses the same trainer as I. We sat, we chatted, we drank coffee. She's in incredible shape. I would love to look like that. It takes some serious work, a super strict diet but damn it would be worth it.

Sunday morning, got up, prepped the food, and hit my friends house. We loaded up the car and off we went. Started off by almost fighting over McDonalds breakfast. I didn't want it, she did. I ended up eating A&W lunch instead. And that began the destruction.

I ate all night, fresh food and shit food. In the morning I managed a 10 minute run. My friend wasn't too happy. I didn't want to drink, smoke etc. I just am not that person anymore. We figured it out enough to go horseback riding and got to see an eagle fight a hawk over prey. We had a fantastic time.

Tuesday we headed home and got ink along the way. All this weekend I've been contemplating the bbing thing. I mean, it's hard core exercise. It's a VERY strict diet. I certainly wouldn't go for the most musclar category, more like bikini or fitness, and they only look like that until their dark spray tan washes off, have a drink of water (they dehydrate for a day or so before), and they eat a real meal. It's nutritional hell from what I hear. I want to do it. I want to try it. Maybe, just maybe I can be comfortable with my body. Maybe this will help?

Today I hung out at home, laundry etc until about 3pm before heading into work. I'm still bitter. I"m still pissed, I will just hide it and use it to fuel me as there won't be calories fueling me, or not that many.

Hit the gym, double class. It was awesome, got a nice sweat worked up. The instructor is one of the few people I've told in my life that I want to try bbing (Shane, the new friend I made on Saturday and my parents being the others), and she's also one of the even more exclusive members of the group that knows about my food issues. She let me know she's got someone in mind to train me but I wasn't able to talk to her much more after that.

I dunno. Part of me is horrified at finding a new trainer as it feels disloyal, however, I will need someone. I also got a message from my old trainer today and I feel like he's giving up on his new gym. He could be having one of his moods though, I can't tell from 2hrs drive away.

Anyways... I got down to 142.8 on Sunday morning. 148.5 this morning (after laxatives Tuesday night). I was 149.5 last time I checked, so I can only hope for 148.5 again. Got a lunch that I think is more of a pry session than two old co-workers getting together, gonna aim for salad and hit the gym after. No dinner of course. Back to trying to starve off the pounds.

Bed... work tomorrow.

TFIF!

It wasn't a bad day... overall. 143.5 this morning. Work was ok too. Just me and my boss, no one else. I got a bunch of stuff accomplished, and a few other things.

My boss made mention of my 'medical' condition that has me running to the bathroom every '10 minutes'. He jokingly asked if it was a bladder infection, I laughed and said no (coz it isn't). I think he knows. I'm scared he knows. But part of me is relieved he knows.

I had lunch with him today. I ate Opa, greek salad, pita bread and souvlaki. It was yummy. I ate it all. Felt terrible after.

After work I hit up the Zumba class. I love the friday one. It's supposed to be invitation only with punch cards you pay for. The instructor has invited me a few times. I've offered to pay for the class and she's brushed me off more than once. I went, I had fun, I really enjoy the class.

She knows that I have purging tendancies. I was sick, she asked, it felt good to tell someone. But I told her I was 'recovering' which I guess is half-assed truthful. I don't want to be binge/purging. I'd rather restrict. After the class was done and I was leaving the changeroom she asked if I was feeling better. I wanted to cry. I am. Kinda. I didn't binge, but I ate more than I wanted too (fucking pita). I told her it's harder some days than others, again the truth.

So here I am. Friday night. Sitting at home with the Stampede happening mere blocks from where I am, instead watching Gilmore Girls waiting for my laundry to be done.

Tomorrow I go home for a bit. I want to be up by 8am, on the road by 10am, home by noon. Shop for the camping food, go to the folks house to prepare it, and the meet Shane for a glorious outdoor workout. I'm very excited :) Once that is over I'm meeting a very new friend for a coffee, sit in the sun and watch the cars go by. She's a female figure competitor so I'll feel horribly fat next to her, but it's motivation, right?

Food tomorrow? Oatmeal for breaky (though I'm contemplating having some scrambled eggs instead?) and a Starbucks on the way out as I'm a dumbass and forgot to buy milk. Lunch? Not sure I had one planned but I may pick up a salad at Stupidstore or something. Dinner? No plans. Was planning on skipping.

After that it's going to get a bit scary. Sunday morning, oatmeal as usual (or yogurt one of the two) and then off to pack up the car. I've managed to arrange the diet to be mostly fruits and veggies and I'll restrict on snacks. I plan on doing as many little workouts as possible. Pushups, situps, crunches, jumping jacks, light jogging, yoga, bodyrock exercises, ANYTHING to burn calories. I'm hoping to return at 146.0 or less.

Then I will return to starving.

I will try to blog tomorrow, but will be at my parents.

This will be the LAST of the damn food related things for the summer. I can starve down. I can hit my goals and keep dropping.

Welcome to my summer :)

Yeehaw?

I forgot about Stampede. Kinda. I'm not sure I really care. It's cool that Kate and Wills are here and I'm digging the fact that I get to see the 20yr old Olympic Flame lit from my bedroom window. The fireworks are kinda cool too. But that's about all. Next year I'll go down in short denim cut off shorts and a tiny little cowboy shirts coz I'll be thin enough to.

I was 143.5 this morning. I feel thinner. I ate too much chocolate after work though after eating almost nothing all day. I'm around 144.5 now. I can only hope for 143.5 tomorrow. Zumba tomorrow after work, followed by shopping and hardcore packing. I'm with my GM so plans for as little food as possible and max out the coffee.

mmmmm Starbucks....

Today was strange at work.... the HR manager was working out of the store and I didn't want to deal with them at all given how horrible the last few weeks are. I ended up having to, and totally not telling her much. Just enough to get them off my back for a bit. I need new pants though. They're folding over and you can totally see the weight loss (given that once upon a time I could barely fit my fat ass into them). I will do right before we open the new store though as during the construction phase it'll be dirty and dusty.

I got to go in my new store today, that was cool. It's still a contruction zone so it's not like its for anyone to go in. I'm pretty stoked.

This weekend isn't bugging me as much anymore. Our menu is disgustingly healthy, we've barely gone over crap food except for smores. I plan on doing bodyrock workouts a well as a few laps of the campground each morning (if I can get it around my friend). To add to that I can always starve next week. Planning on taking the last of the laxatives the moment I get back to town on Tuesday night too so that will help.

After that, no more excuses. I have no more 'things' planned. I can just drop and drop and drop. I should be able to drop to below 140 by the end of the month :)

Zumba!

Went back to the gym today, went on the bike for 15min and then an hour of Zumba. Skipped the muscle pump class, I was super tired and I really don't want to overdo it.

Hit the doc today. I'm almost at a sinus infection but not quite so no antibiotics but a nasal spary instead... oohhhh yummy /sarcasm.

Work was fine. Still got a little annoyed but hid it well. Was not quite the perfect manager but was happy and pleasant all the same.

Got up late so I didn't do the bodyrock workout, trying again for tomorrow. I don't have to work till noon but I'll be going in about 2 hrs earlier. Also may see one of the district people I really don't like at the store I'm at so we'll see how that goes...

Food wise today it was ok. I ate so little until I got to the post gym where I ate chocolate covered raisins, ju jubes and slowpokes. Blech! I purged a teeny tiny amount, but I was 144.5 last time I checked. Can I hit 142 by the weekend?

Going back to my Gilmore Girls marathon (so lame, I know ;p)

Night!

Fuckin Perfect

I wasn't aiming for perfection. I wanted thinner. I thought 140 would be an awesome goal to aspire for and didn't think I'd get there. Hitting 150 was a huge accomplisment, especially as people started asking questions around then, questionning if I was eating enough, working out too much...

I passed 140 at one point. I actually got into the 130's. According to that scale. Not sure I believe those numbers now.

I've binged and bounced around these last few months and while that has gone shit, my life has fallen apart a bit. I've struggled at work, been cranky, not getting things done, failing. My personal life hasn't been great. I'm even more alone than normal. I come home, I don't talk to the lady I live with. I don't hang out with friends. I don't go out. I haven't even been to the gym in 2 weeks.

I miss my friends back at home, but only some of them. I really miss a few.

I don't know how close I got to losing my job in the past few weeks, but there's been talk. I sat down with my boss today and he discussed it. I tried not to cry, and while I got upset, I didn't actually cry. I'm sill not happy with the way some things have gone down but I can vent my frustration here and not at work. He wants the me he's heard so much about to come back, I do too. Today was a return to that me, the more perfect me.

The me that doesn't yell at people for stupid little things. The me that has the answers, who controls the crowd. The me that people listen to, they come to me because they know I have the right answer, not some bullshit one.The one that can be depended upon. The one in control. The perfect one.

I'm still sick. I still have the cold. Massive overdose on vitamins last night helped but I'm still a bit stuffed up and have no voice but I think I managed to avoid the cough. Skipped the gym again tonight, but going back tomorrow. Got Zumba and the Muscle Pump class. I'll be out till 9. First real workout in 2 weeks.

However I need to step it up. I checked out some of the workouts on bodyrock.tv and have a few ideas. I'm hoping I can do some of them tomorrow morning before I shower. This way I can do a good workout, heavy on the core, and a quick workout before going to work, then hit the gym later on. I envision lots of running in my future.

Where am I going with this?

There's so many blogs, posts, threads out there going on about the quest for perfection, the drive to be perfect. I never wanted perfect. I just wanted thinner. Now I want thin because it is perfect. I don't eat, things go better. I have control. Life ticks along almost the way I want it to.

You know that song by Pink, Fuckin Perfect? That's where todays blog title comes from. It's totally about the opposite of what I want. The song is saying you are perfect, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Why is the opposite of what I want is the song stuck in my head?

I don't feel like I make sense, even to me. I can only say that today was good. It wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but it was a giant leap in the right direction. Tomorrow will be better. I ate probably close to 350 cals today, maybe less. No chocolate, only real sugar was the strawberry I ate. No candy. No nothing bad. It feels great.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt some of the exercises from the website in the morning then head into work by 9am (or earlier). At work, no food until at least 2pm, save the yogurt for the pre gym snack. Of course being perfect at work. Hitting the gym for Zumba, try to stay for the muscle pump if I'm up for it. I should be ok though.

I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm trying to be me, with a grain of perfection in there.

Back to me

I was 147.5 this morning, not happy about that. I think I'm 147 now so should be 146.5 at least by morning.

Fuck the cold, I'm going back to the gym. No cardio, don't think my lungs could handle it, but at least if I get an hour of weights in I'm doing something. Might help with the crankiness too.

Speaking of which, today I was perfect me at work. I was pleasant, co-operative, docile. Even as I'm being excluded on the trip East which is for business purposes, and every other manager in my position will be there, but not me. I'm pissed. I am one of the few that will actually go to learn something but they can't open their eyes long enough to see that. Or to be accurate, no one will open their ears long enough to listen to me. But I've been over that. It's not important to them and I need the anger to fuel me.

I ate more than I wanted to. Half the oatmeal, then for lunch one of the gals ordered from BP's. I did the whole 'I can't afford it' and she said not to worry. I got the spinach salad as per usual (about 400 cals?) and half the piece of garlic bread. I also ate about half a bag of cheep chocolate covered raisins and a bunch of gummy candy.

But, after I got home and saw 149 on the scale I decided to eat nothing for dinner. I resisted rice cakes, peanut butter and other treats. I had tea, and a low cal hot chocolate. Yay for me!

I'm watching Gilmore Girls. I love that show. Rory isn't my fave, Loralai is. I love her and Luke. Damn I'm such a sap. Issue is there's a LOT of food in this show! They're always bloody eating junk!

Tomorrow I'm back with most of my team. We'll have to see how that goes. Half an oatmeal for breaky, tea for the road. Starbucks and more coffee for lunch, salad and yogurt for pre gym snack. If I go to the gym I can have dinner of veggies. If I don't go, nothing again.

I'm gonna get to 145 by Friday damnit. Maybe less.

Operation pre camping begins

Canada Day was good. Shane cancelled so I hung out with Jackie all day and went for dinner before the fireworks (wasn't in the plan...) and took 400 pictures during the fireworks. Still haven't waded through them yet.

Saturday was fun. Dragged my ass out of bed at 8am and off we went to go to the mountains. Had a great ride up, mostly uphill. Lunch at the lake and I ate a load. Then halfway back my rear tire blew and that ended my ride. I walked about 1km before my parents got back with the van and we headed into the townsite for ice cream, my Dad's tradition. Back home in time to hit up my friends house and avoid dinner.

Today... not so great. I was unable to avoid the BBQ this afternoon so I ate a burger and a small bowl of beans. Topped off with a scoop of ice cream. After moving all my shit out of storage I ate a small amount of chocolate raisins and yogurt pretzels (really small amount. Not a binge amount.)

I was 147 this morning, 148 tonight.

Next Sunday I leave for camping meaning that it's 4 days of binging. Not what I'm looking forward to, but I am kinda. I'm hoping I can drop to at least 145 before I go. Ideally I would hit around 142 but I'm not going to be able to drop 5 or 6 lbs in 6 days, especially as I can't go to the gym.

Yup, the cycling kinda overdid it for me. I have sore lungs now and a threatening chest cough. It needs to go away soon. I can't run, ride, go to Zumba or even lift weights. Anything that gets my heart rate up makes me gasp a bit and I daren't cough.

So tomorrow, I"m going to go to work and be the perfect happy manager. Despite my frustrations etc I will be what they want me to be.

I will also someday be something I want to be.... thin

Quickie!

I am so tired. Had a blast. I gained weight (surprise surprise) and have to go to a stupid BBQ tomorrow but I feel a chest cold coming on (for real. It hurts to breathe) and may plead 'sick'.

Unfortunatly this means no running or anything that gets my heart rate up.

So how little can I eat tomorrow?

Update more then :)