Furious

My other blog (my 'real' one) just had a miserable comment left on it. Basically told me to go 'fix' myself. Really? Are you that small minded that you missed the blatant screwed up posts about not eating for several days and not wanting to and assume that my only need is for attention? I'm so happy that you are so secure in your life that you feel the need to put people down like that.

I'm livid. I'm so fed up of the complete lack of understanding, or even at this point, comprehension. Do you have any idea what it's like to stare at a plate of food and know that you can not possibly eat it. Your comments (and I use the 'your' in a very lose way) do nothing but show off your inability to process or comprehend empathy, or any emotion other than your own.

I'm fed up of people (aka my boss) at work automatically assuming that every time I have a problem it's because of food. Not the people I work with don't do their own work, or take responsibility for their own actions, no it can only be because I haven't eaten (despite the fact that often I can). It's the 'have you eaten' question I get when I become frustrated.

I'm fed up of people saying all I need is a hamburger. Yeah, coz FOOD will fix the problem I have with FOOD. I'll eat the hamburger, and if I don't throw it up, I'll not eat dinner to make up for it, and maybe nothing the day after either.

Oh, wait, you see me eating chocolate. Means everything is right in the world? Nope, means I'm probably mid or beginning a binge (chocolate always starts it) and you are unfortunate to witness it, or I'm fortunate enough that you disturbed me and I can stop.

How about all the comments you (the collective 'you') make about how fat so and so is, or how gorgeous so and so looks coz they're wearing those tight pants. Then whip around and tell me that it's not size that matters. Yeah, i'm not a toothpick, I don't even consider myself skinny. I don't even think i have an eating disorder because of that, but I recognize I have issues with food.

Do you know what it's like to look in a mirror and despite losing a ton of weight last year, only seeing fat huge me looking back? What its' like to hate how you look so badly that not only do you not eat in the hopes of losing a few pounds, if you're lucky, half an inch somewhere, you exercise like mad and exclude yourself from family and friend outings/gatherings just to avoid the food issue.

No? Didn't think so. Go crawl back under the rock you were hiding under.

Thwarted by the can opener

Got up at 8am, just in time, but later than I wanted. However, meant there was no time for food, even if I'd wanted some. Instead me and my mug of tea ran out the door. Around 10am I ate a rice cake, and once back at home avoided all food. Another rice cake around 3pm and back into town. Binged, for lack of a better word, on a bunch of trail mix (that stuff is killing me.... but I'm kinda glad its' not chocolate raisins anymore) then when I got to where I used to live, purged a massive chunk of it.

Home, did some yoga and then decided I should have soup. Except I couldn't figure out the stinkin can opener, so no soup. I did have a whole wheat bun though, but I can't have gone over 300 cals, for the second day in a row.

I was 148.9 this morning, 148.3 before the bun and tea. I think I'll do one more weight before bed then put it away for the week again. Hopefully this week is better for loss!!!! 146 by Saturday is the goal.

Help!

I don't know what to do anymore.

I got on the scale this morning and I'm 149.9.... my BMI is right on the cusp of being FAT.

This was supposed to help! I've scaled back my eating, skipped both breakfast and dinner almost every day and it's all for nothing.

I went to Zumba, got there late, jumped around in the back. Didn't have the energy or will to do too much more. Hit up Walmart, grabbed chocolate raisins to binge, walked out with shoes instead. Went to Sharens place to check on the cats and grab some of my stuff, hit up Starbucks for a coffee and came home.

Where I proceded to bawl my eyes out and have a nap on my bed. I finally showered at 3pm. It's now 4pm and I/ve only had half a protein shake for 55cals.

I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

I am not happy at the weight I am. I will not be happy until I get well below 140. I just can't seem to get there. I either starve (like I"m doing now) eat a tiny bit and waste calories on junk, or eat normal and gain.

I've got to go back to the gym regularly. Even if it's only Zumba for an hour it's still something.

After that I can't figure out the food part. Do I eat? Do I starve? Maybe if I just starved for this entire week, had a 'normal' day, then did the same the week after. If I saw a significant result maybe it'll kick start things.

I dont' know anymore. I'm miserable (and really cold!). I'm hungry for anything right now. Even steamed veggies but I'd have to go buy them and that could end badly.

Ugh.... I disgust myself.

4 Days

I'm at day 4 with no scale.... and I feel like I'm doing awesome on the limited food intake. It really is keeping me strong not knowing what that number is. Now, I'm not totally not eating, coz that would send me down stupid paths. EX: Today I had 2 cups of tea, one coffee, 1 Pepsi max, tons of water, a salad with cucumber, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, a 110 cal dressing (high but meh at this point) a bunch of pineapple, a few grapes, canteloupe and a bit of trail mix. Maybe 600 cals. The day before, maybe 600 cals, day before around 300 cals. IN all that still doing some small workouts at home.

Work has been great. HR manager was bugging me today so I spilled some beans about how my boss likes to put me down and never gives me any good feedback. Basically its killing me and he needs to stop. She promises there'll be a meeting down the line. I really hope it helps.

Supposed to go out tomorrow. Food and alcohol. I want to skip out instead.

Backfired

Shane told me to remove my scale.

I did.

Day 2 without it right now.

I ate 215 calories as I'm so paranoid about what I weigh.

To him this will have backfired, to me it's the push I needed to get back down.

I have 5lbs to lose from what I was on Sunday night to what I have to be Saturday morning. If I keep up the way I've been the last 2 days I should hit it.

Just gotta stay strong and focused.

That I Would Be Good

Even if I lost 10lbs...

From an Alanis song I got to listen to on my way home from work.

I got another interview for that job offer. Don't know if I'll do it yet. I love my job, hate my boss.

I managed to eat very lightly today but I'm pissed as I got home and I'm the SAME weight as I was before I left for the gym and work... bah!!!! I can only hope I"m down at least 1lb tomorrow. Can't afford anymore lame days.

I figured I'd have about 400cals but I did eat some trail mix. I'm hungry now but all I need is a tea or something. Too bad I gotta go to sleep.

Planning for another light day tomorrow and hitting up the gym.

Inspiration

I'm in need of it.... I've eaten 'normal' this Thanksgiving weekend, and now I feel huge. I'm still on track thought. I got my 150 by Saturday and by this Saturday have to be 148. I was 149.5 this morning, hoping for 150 by morning ( I ate a lot....) I really really need to stop this stupid cycle and FOCUS.

For tomorrow I will be eating oatmeal for breakfast, rice cakes for snack, salad for lunch, cottage cheese for pre workout and then hitting the gym. Get a 2 hr workout in, apple and protein shake, home to shower and soup. I'm thinking 800 or less calories.

See if anyone notices (aka Shane...)

Day (or two) after

Friday was crazy. I had my best friend of 10 years tell me she thinks she's gay (not that I have a problem, more like it was an insane bomb to drop. She's married with a kid..... I don't eve know how to help her) and then I go into Friday.

The car's got issues. Brakes fixed but the clutch needs replacing... Bye bye bonus.... again.

Then I go for coffee with my old old boss and she spends the entire time going on and on about a job offer she'd had that disappeared and she thinks that there's some inside issues going on, companies talking to each other... It's hard. I want to believe the best but I can't.

Then I go to meet Shane at his new gym. I go in, pay my fee and then Shane pulls me into his office. He asks me what's going on and I have no idea what he's on about. I don't even remember how he started but he goes on about my mentions of eating too much junk, then comments about wanting to throw up followed by days of super low calories. He says point blank, that it sounds like I have an eating disorder.

I almost bawled my eyes out. I didn't tell him everything by a long shot. I told him I'm not happy with me and I hate food. He's told me to start eating all my calories, to work up to 1200 calories per day and to avoid the garbage food and not have it in the house or anywhere near. He says this alone will help with the binging (anything at this point to help with the binging!).

We worked out after but I'm shaken. I don't like that he knows this much. I was hoping that I could be thinner by then. I've still got a good 25lbs to go and aiming for March to be there (about 6lbs a month.... considering I've got a goal of 8 this month I should be able to hit it). I'm going to start eating a bit more to try to curb the binges. Once that is in control I can start cutting back again and I'll deal with him as I get to that point.

Today we had Thanksgiving dinner. I ate, but certainly not as much as I did last year. I don't feel like barfing from being physically too full. Went for a walk after dinner, hoping to go for a run tomorrow ( I need more cool weather running stuffs! I only have t shirts and 3C weather is too cold!).

I hit the 1 week goal of being 150 by 1lb. Next weekend is 148 and hopefully I can be there by tuesday or wednesday. Keep ahead of the game as I know how badly this can jump up.

Thank you all for your comments :) I missed you too, and I miss PT.  I haven't been back since THIN started up so I don't know who is still on there. Let them know I still think of them and I say hi. ONce I have an antivirus back (mine expired yesterday) I'll try to stop by.

Aw crap....

I'm home.... At least my old home. I got here yesterday, went for a dinner with my friend (Boston Pizza and their 310 calorie salmon and salad dish) and spent about 4 hours talking over some pretty heavy stuff. She's pretty sure she's gay, but has a husband and kid. I'm the first person that's close to her that she's told and I told her that i"m here for support.

Today after getting my car half fixed (the other half will cost $1000 and will take much longer so I'm doing it at the end of the month when I have time and the money) and having coffee with my old boss I went to work out at Shane's new gym.

He pulls me into the office and asks how things are going. I know something is wrong. He asks me how I'm doing with food and I know he's figured it out. He wanted to know how, why, when. He said to start at the beginning which I couldn't do. He said my thoughts and behaviours are screaming eating disorder to him and I need to get help. He's told me to get someone to remove my scale, and seek a counseller. He said that I'm in a cycle. I binge therefore I starve until something snaps, and I know it'll be my health. He said I need to get to a point where I can eat 1200 calories a day, every day, which will help with the binging. I need to stay away from foods that are 'bad' for me, like chocolate, cakes etc, the stuff that I binge upon.

I cry.

He's nice about the whole thing, which makes it worse. I don't know if he feels bad or responsible which would make me feel horrible. I told him I do it as I want to be skinny, that I still feel fat, that I don't see what I've done and accomplised in the last year, the difference in weight.

We still worked out, we went to his place after. He fed my crackers, knowing that I'd only eaten oatmeal all day.

I did have dinner with my dad, we went to an Ethiopian place that I love.

I'm 149.0 this morning, up from 148.2 this morning. Still on track and ahead of schedule.

I still plan on dropping the pounds. I need to hit the gym more, like he said 2 times from mon to fri and once on the weekend. I can run/ride the other days until the weather gets bad, then hook up my windtrainer (I clip my old roadbike to it and its like a stationary bike, but my bike and no fancy gadgets). I need to, as he states, control the binging. I can't be around chocolate but I must allow myself the carbs and natural sugars on occasion.

Will I hit 1200 calories? No. Maybe one day a week, I'll call it my higher day. I used to do it all the time as it was my saturday night when i delivered pizza and had one personal pizza that night. I always dropped that weight and more by Monday.

I need to get in control of it. I'm not anymore. I have no boundaries, no rules. It's just binge and attempt to restrict, watching a number on the scale.

I don't want to disappoint him, but I must lose the fat first.

Slow Start

I hit 152.5 the next morning.... means I have to get to 138 by Dec 31st. Which would be the exact same weight I was last new years and I did that in the same time period but way too many ups and downs due to the starve/binge cycle.

I'm down to 149 this morning which is ahead of the 2lbs/week goal I set myself. However, I feel fatter. I've been neglecting my workouts and it's probably muscle mass I'm losing.

I need to find my focus again, my constant pre-occupation with not eating much compared to my constant thoughts of food I can not eat. I wouldn't have dreamed of eating chocolate this time last year! It needs to go away! The occasional bread/muffin will be allowed for the metabolism boost thing but that's about it.

Tomorrow and Friday are no chocolate days. Saturday will be permitted.

Going home after donating more time to work tomorrow. Home as in the 2 hr drive south, hopefully it won't snow (we had a forcast today, but it didn't so far!). Gotta go get the stupid car fixed.

I'm so exhausted. So tired.

Thanks for your comments :) I need the motivation :)