Thank fuck it's thursday

Week from hell.

Feeling better today though. I'm going home tomorrow :)

Managed to hit 145.5 this morning but I'm 148 now. Considering how little I ate I don't quite understand. I had half an oatmeal, a tea, a handful of chocolate raisins, some soup and some other candy (that stupid candy machine.). I swear if I took it all and weighed it it wouldn't equal 3lbs. I'm going to be lucky to hit 146.0.

Tomorrow. Eggs maybe for breaky. Possibly a tea or a starbucks coffee for the ride? Want coffee with Shane when I get there but no idea what time. Jen wants to go to motorcross but it's not really my thing. I want to see the fireworks and I'd love to hang out with Jackie. For food... how long can I go without? I probalby will have some of the bulk mix though coz it's good.

Saturday I'm super excited for. Hitting the mountains finaly :)

Bed now...

Sick

I went to bed with a slightly sore throat. I woke up a little dazed. By the time it hit 9am I knew I was sick. I was shaking, shivering. My skin hurt, my muscles hurt, my joints hurt, my back and neck hurt. I ate lunch with one of the GM's of another store. We've been trying to do this for months but I felt so horrible. I ended up going home around 4pm. I got home, and despite the fact it's 29C outside, I curled up in my bed with my down duvet and shivered myself to sleep.

Woke up before 9pm, popped a few dayquil and had a mini binge. I ate half a yogurt I stuffed in the freezer, 2 45cal rice cakes, a bunch of tiny liccorice, 2 Turtles chocolates, and some canteloupe. Desptie that I'm down to 146.5 as of right now, considering I was thrilled with 148.5 this morning, it's not too bad.

Tomorrow will depend on how I feel. It's going to be a very long day to begin with and I will need some energy. I may have eggs for breaky instead of oatmeal. I want some trail mix from stupidstore but not sure if I should. There may be a starbucks coffee in there too. One of the gals from work wants a milkshake and if my throat is still burning tomorrow I may go for it too. Just have half. Then soup for dinner and the event I will not eat anything, just take photos.

Or I may not eat anything. We'll see what happens.

I'm out of the gym for a few days now. I can't go tomorrow, I'm too weak from being sick. I'd make myself worse. I don't have time thursday or friday. Saturday I'm headng to the mountains for a bike ride and Sunday I'll try to run. Back on Monday? Hopefully schedules work out.

Wander: I went onto PT but I cant' for the life of me find you on there :( That or I'm still confuddled which is highly possible.

:)

Down again. 149.5. Still fucking whale sized, but it's heading in the right direction.

Today I managed just under 1000 cals. Realistically it wasn't much food... it was the 460 cals of chocolate raisins and 200 cals of yogurt covered pretzels that did me in. Minus that crap I'm looking at 400 cals or less.

Hoping for 148.5 by morning.

Didn't run, too tired. Still am exhausted. But happy free me is back at work. I'm still frustrated etc. None of that left, I'm just hiding it better and will continue to do so.

Tomorrow aiming to be up by 630am, be at a store by 730am, and then at the other one by 9am. Hoping to be off by 630, take my gym stuff in case I feel like going. For food, tea and half oatmeal for breaky, salad yogurt cottage cheese and 2 pieces of fruit (I anticipate being hungrier and will have to 'counter' todays binge). Leftover soup for dinner, and not even the whole thing.

Wander, I'd love to... I'll log into PT tomorrow and send you my info :)

Busy Day!!!

152.5 this morning, 150.5 right before bed. I'm happy with that so far.

I ate breakfast, a bagel with margarine on half, peanut butter on the other half. I threw out a quarter of the PB piece and the rest I kinda picked at... safe to say I ate a half. After Church I kinda went nuts. I had 1 piece of brownie (about 1" square), 3 Lindt truffle chocolates, 2 of the seashell chocolates, 2 rum balls, a pecan pie square thingy and my tea.

Once home I had some licorice, raw veggies and some canteloupe, following with half a Pepsi Max. And that was all!!!!!! I managed!! I avoided food at the BBQ and it was fantastic! I had a small craving but it was easy to ignore as there were so many people there.

So to back it up a bit, all 6 stores in the city got together for a sports event. There was kickball, soccer and vollyball and a ton of fun to be had. I got there late (intentionally), mixed and mingled, and then with full intent of joining in and playing, joined my team. It ended up that we had too many people so I wasn't able to play, but they didn't notice me missing anyways. I took photos, mingled, and tried not to be grumpy.

Some of the higher ups were there and began teasing my about someone that I supposedly like. They were just trying to get a rise out of me but it pissed me off too quickly. Can't 'like' anyone coz it fucks with everything. This is my damn job. I got told the other day to calm down, stop stressing, as it's affecting me negatively.

So there's the issue. As I gain weight I get pissier. I need to restrict and I'll be happier. Sounds fucked? Welcome to my world.

Wierd Day

Not used to working on Saturday, but I survived. Barely.

I can't believe how fucking fat I am. I'm well over 150, nice going me! Way to fuck it up! I have so much left to lose, just to get back to where I once was.

Today, half the oatmeal for breakfast and tea, Didn't eat anything until 2 or so (except half the yogurt), when I ate salad and the fruit. Nothing else till I got home, and even then it was just a piece of fruit. I went out just to go out and hit Chapters. Had a low fat no sugar something or other at Starbucks, and bought two books.

I ended up at the drive in and got a licorice flavoured milkshake and real onion rings.... I ate most of the onion rings and half the milkshake.

I also took two laxatives.

Not quite starving myself...

Tomorrow, I dunno. I've got eggs and a bagel. I'm wondering if I should have bagel before church and eggs after? Go for everything before church?

Regardless, tomorrow I either run or ride. I have to be at a work thing for 7pm too. There will be food. I'm not excited about it. I'll go, take pictures, and leave.

Plan for running or riding by 3 or 4pm, hopefully I'm ok by then ;( Lots of water!

So, for food... bagel and eggs, veggies and fruit. That's it thats all. Maybe less, nothing more.

Bought Wasted. Started watching Rachel Getting Married. Can't figure out which one to start on first.

Take Command

Which is what I am doing now.

Yesterday doesn't matter, today doesn't matter. ( I haven't slept yet, it still counts as Friday and it's only 12:21am).

All that matters is NOW!!!

It doesn't matter that I ate an entire plate of chinese food, 2 pitas and an ice cream cone for dinner. Or the 4 donut balls and 1 entire donut I had earlier.

Nope, not tomorrow it won't.

I've got it back. I really think I do, despite the out of control eating today. I can feel it. Its there.

Tomorrow is last day of training. First day back to being me. No more cranky me coz I'm pissed at what I ate, or thinking about what I'm eating next, or how much I weighed that morning. I will be back in command of me. Control. I must have control back.

So, oatmeal, as usual not the whole thing. If I must, a yogurt halfway thru. I have another salad and fruit for the rest of the day. Coffee, tea, water, vitamin water (if I have one left?) or chilled green tea? Going for a run or ride in the evening, depends on weather. Too hot, means a ride. Just right, means a run. And a long one, not some pansy 30min run. An hour at least. Dinner? Wasn't planning on it. Just sleep.

For those burritos, pretty sure they made me sick today. I was so gassy. Yeah, gross, TMI but whatever. I've NEVER felt like that before. It felt like I'd taken some laxatives (which I may still do tomorrow) and couldn't stray too far from the bathroom. So, they're getting the boot. Good thing I think. Filling but heavy.

Tired, bed, bring on tomorrow!!!!

Training

Day one of training for my new store today. As in I get to stand in front of a class and teach, one of my horrors in life. I did it. I did ok. I have to go back and d it agian tomorrow.

I was down to 149 today, but didn't eat smart today. I ate breakfast, had a bagel for lunch, then ate far too much chocolate at the training (which wasn't much in comparason to other times).

I'm 151.5 right now, hoping for around 150 tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a 'normal' day. I purchased a salad and fruit, so oatmeal for breakfast, yogurt for a snack, then the salad for lunch, and fruit for afternoon snack. I'm meeting with a friend for dinner and shopping so I will have Opa if there is one as I've always wanted to try it. Salad and pita bread with some meat, chicken or shrimp.

Saturday back on track.

I went to Safeway today. I can't bring myself to buy crap food there. Also helps in a massive way because the put their breads and such all in one spot on the other end of the store from the veggies so I never go there. I'm not going to go grocery shopping in the other stores.

Kes: Thanks for the tips. I really appreciate them. Your comments and encouragment mean a lot.

Wander: I'm 5'5" (and 3/4 but I don't usually include that). I have a belly now but normally it's fairly flat. Thanks to all my weight training in te last almost year I have gained some muscle, most noticably in my arms. You know that flabby bit under your arm around the triceps? I barely have any now, but everything lower than my ribcage is flabby. I wish my legs would just waste away though. I don't want muscle there, just skinny legs.

Barely a compliment

gained back that half pound today. But I should be back on track tomorrow.

I had most of my oatmeal, and my tea. Had a coffee later on and a yogurt around noon. Piss poor so when everyone decided to go for lunch I couldn't buy anything. A small blessing.

i sat in the shade, it was kinda chilly due to the light breeze despite it being over 22C and everyone else being pleasantly warm. My boss started the 'maybe you should gain some....' then stopped, saying he shouldn't say anything.

I'm fat. The number on the scale is huge. But what do I really look like? I can't see it. What do I look like to others? I wish I could ask, but I know I won't get an honest opinion. I've weighed 10lbs less. What does 10lbs less really look like?

Sooooo, the hiking trip is cancelled. There's two feet of snow and an avalanche warning in the area and there's no way it will all melt in 2 weeks. That's the risk of going to the mountains, especially such a secluded area. Instead I will head to the mountains a bit further south with my parents for bike ride, not a true mountain bike ride, just on the road.

I'm officially going camping with my friend. Means there's going to be a shit ton of food involved, and alcohol. I think I'm going to go for wine instead of beer (less calories?) and pack a bunch of fruit and raw veggies. However, I will end up eating junk, so I need to be low before I go so I can afford to gain a few pounds. As in down to 140 so I can gain 5....

Stupid training tomorrow. No refrigeration. I have a bagel, tuna, Luna bar, dried fruit, satsuma, and Pepsi Max. I should be ok as long as I don't hit the chocolate. Hoping to go for a trail run but it really depends on the weather as they're calling for storms.

So, hoping for 148.5 by morning.

Small Steps

I dropped .5lbs. Technically right on target but damn it frustrated me to be so little.

Today I ate 3/4 of my oatmeal, had my tea and a Starbucks back coffee, then finally a yogurt around noon or so, with lunch following at 2. It was a working lunch that I knew was coming. We went to BP's so I could order my salad, 430cals of spinach, egg, feta cheese, and tomatoes. It really is huge and a treat. However I should have avoided the bread...

Hit the gym, had a good workout. Actually pushed it so I'll see how sore I am tomorrow! Hit Stupid store again, got yogurt covered raisins, but I am now broke so no more binges possible, for 2 days at least.

Home, shower, steamed veggies and a rice cake later, and you have me sitting on my bed, way too hot, watching Laws Of Attraction.

Need 149 tomorrow.... 150.5 last time I checked, not sure I'm going to hit it.

Lazzzzzzzy Monday

Day off today. Slept till 9 at least, maybe later. Once up I did the measurements as it is week 8, then ate a sensible breakfast and had tea. I watched movies all morning. If you haven't seen Picture Me go watch it. It documents a model's rise to high fashion... I also watched The Union, a documentary about the 'business of getting high.' It was really good, if not some of the same info I've already known/heard. Lets catch up with the times. Start pushing hemp based products and help save a few trees (it's a WEED, hence it grows like one... Trees take a VERY long time to grow...), then legalize marijuanna and tax the hell out of it to help pay for healthcare. What's worse? Alcohol or weed? Cigarettes or weed?

Watching Spanglish now. Not an Adam Sandler fan but it looked ok. Netflix is evil.

I did go to the gym today. Only 2 hours. 25min on the bike, triceps and biceps and an hour of Zumba. Actually got a bit sweaty in Zumba (I don't sweat. Rarely.... except today) but it felt good. Sitting on ice now in the hopes that I didn't fuck up my poor glute muscle.

Sooooo... the numbers weren't great today. Up to 150 and added a tiny bit to my hips and legs. I said 145 by July 1st, just shy of 2 weeks away. I need to lose 2.5lbs this week and next. 147.5 by Monday? Totally doable, and at a sustainable rate.

Today I ate mostly smart. I had oatmeal for breakfast, got a bit hungry and had a yogurt. Salad for lunch, then a burrito for after. A 5 cal jello before the gym (yeah, I know, not protein but filled me up for only a few fat free calories). After the gym was the issue, I needed gas. So I stopped at stupidstore. I ended up in the bulk department looking for yogurt covered raisins. I couldn't find them so I got other things, then found them at he end, but I still walked out of there with more than I should have. But on the bright note, I did not go after the chocolate first. Once home I ate steamed veggies for less than 100 cals so I'm hoping I didn't go over 1500 cals.

Tomorrow it's back to work.

An attempt at normalcy

Today wasn't too bad. Despite how I feel and what I probably weigh right now.

I ate breakfast, had a yogurt and eggs as tere wasn't much eggs left, less than 100 cals then headed to church. I really enjoy this church. I think I will split my time between the two, going to my friends one week and this one the next. After, my boss who had invited me to begin with invited me out for lunch with his family. I ordered a low cal platter, which ended up being 390 cals, again not too bad. I hit the grocery store to pick up lettuce for this week and ended up leaving with junk again.

I did have my burrito and my veggies, but probably close to 2000 calories in junk. I did however check out low cal home made hot chocolate recipes. I made one for 20cals.

1tbspoon of unsweetened cocoa

2 tbspoon of low cal sweetner (I used splenda and the recipe called for 3. Even 2 was pretty sweet)

Add water or milk. ( I added a tiny bit of skim milk but it didn't need it.)

My leg/glute is still not behaving either so I spent the rest of the day sitting on ice packs watching documentaries on Netflix now that I finally unpacked my Xbox. I've watched Ringers about LOTR fans (pretty cool...) and a documentary about Amish, now onto Hope Floats (which I've never seen...)

Yeah, lazy ass today.

So tomorrow is the 2 month weigh in... I'm still gonna do it, get measurements etc. I need the grounding. After that is done, off for a run. Shower and eat, oatmeal most likely, and clean up the house. I promised to go visit a friend, may do that after lunch, and hit the south end store at the same time. Go to the gym and hit the zumba, but only of for a little bit, like maybe 15 min of cardio, 30-45min weights and the hour zumba. Just don't want to aggravate my poor glute again so soon.

Food: Oatmeal or something for breakfast which will probalby happen around 10 or 11am. Late lunch of salad greens. For dinner, depending on how late Zumba goes, burrito and greens, or soup. It depends on if I stick to my plan or not....

Gonna now continue my lazy night with a game of civilization :)

Abandon

I'm ditching the low carb thing. I need to focus just on my eating.

In the last few weeks I have binged every other day, or every day. I go to the bulk sections and buy chocolate. I eat M&M's at work, I go home and eat cookies and more chocolate. Then I try to purge it and while I've definatly improved in the purging department, it's not a way to lose weight.

So here's the new plan to get back to eating healthily (as in healthy food, still lower cal)

I will eat some form of breakfast at least 5 days a week. An oatmeal, yogurt, eggs. Anything other than just a cup of tea.

Pre lunch snacks are allowed. Must be under 50 cals and only one. Yogurt, rice cake, fatfree (5cal) jello, fruit.

Lunch at work will be salad and a form of protein. Tuna etc. Combined no more than 150 cals.

Mid afternoon snack is either a yogurt or rice cake (but only if no pre lunch snack).

Pre workout food is a form of protein. Currently cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato mixed in. Averages around 120 cals. Only on gym days. If I'm running/biking/skipping the gym this doesn't happen.

Dinner is not to be eaten in my car. At home. Soup, veggies, one of the 230cal chicken wraps I bought today. May be skipped if I'm not hungry.

Supper... if I requrie a snack, chips and salsa, but no more than 10, or a rice cake. Also permissibe is one piece of dark chocolate and a light spread of pb on it.

Drinks... tea for the morning, coffee mid morning. Water, Pepsi Max, Crystal Lite, green tea all throughout the day, vitamin water, max one per day.

The aim is to have under 800 cals per day. There is no minimum.

For workouts, gym on monday and wednesday where able to. Saturday and Sunday, one day or both do something outside, bike, run... etc. Try for one to two additional strength training sessions at the gym.

As always, no junk food (which oddly enough is easy to follow. I just go nuts for chocolate and sugar). Fruit is allowed, but in moderation so to control sugars.

Aim for 2lbs loss per week, but more is of course welcommed. Problem I'm having is in a week I'm bouncing around 6lbs or so. Not sustainable. I need this to come off slower without starving myself until I get to the point where all I have is that option after tapering off food. If I just do it all in one go now I'll binge, purge, and get no where.

Continue with measurements every month. Next set up on Monday (which I'm sure will be a gain)

Stop purging and using laxatives. I'm horrified at the bruises on my arms and hips from grabbing myself while purging.

No eating after 9pm. If I workout until 9pm I may have a LIGHT snack when I get home. Cup a Soup or steamed veggies, nothing hardcore.

I want 145 by the end of June, 2 weeks away. I want 138 by the end of July, and 135 max by the time I open my store mid August.

Tomorrows plan:

Up around 9am, shower, eat. Either eggs or oatmeal (I think I want eggs....) Tea and take tea with me. May meet up with parents but not for a meal, late lunch. Will eat salad and yogurt for lunch but no tuna. For dinner, have a burrito early and veggies later. If it's still pissing it down, maybe a run (it really is pouring. It hasnt stopped for very long for over a week and there's no way I can go on the trails, bike or otherwise). For sure a run if it's not raining. Maybe hit the storage unit and get a box or two? Organize my closet? Maybe should do that first.

Tomorrow I'm hoping for under 150.....

Start over again.

The 'inbetween' period

So, my rant yesterday apparently helped. I went onto the forums and found a solution for my commenting issue. All good now :)

While I still ate like shit today, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I did take 2 laxatives last night but it didn't really seem to help. I was down to 147.5, not great but it could have been worse. I managed to stick to my plan, right up until I decided I wasn't going to the gym. Then I hit the 25c candy machine again. And stupidstore after work.

I did however avoid the chocolate cookie and ice cream binge. I actually spent far too long in the ice cream aisle pondering which one to get. I picked one, 100cals per bar, and got all the way up to the check outs. I ended up putting them back in the freezer and dumping the cookies on the shelf. The cookies were $2 and the ice cream was $8. That's $10 I almost spent on stupid shit. I should just put that in my savings account. I think I will do just that.

I did however buy and eat a whole bunch of chocolate raisins again. They didn't even taste that good which was fucking stupid. Why eat something I don't like?

I bought a shirt and some crystal light also so it wasn't an entirely wasted trip.

I ate soup and cookies for dinner, then purged, then had some more cookies, and lamely purged again. Didn't bring up any of the chocolate raisins I gorged on though.

I'm 149.5 right now, but my stomach is still fairly flat. I'm kinda confused (and scared) by that. Means that it's either mostly water, or the food hasn't made its way down far enough to be a gut yet. I hope it doesn't. I wanted slim by morning and I can't take laxatives again thanks to the road trip tomorrow.

Heading north to check out a store up there. Its a 3 hr drive one way and there's 5 of us going. I can plead car sickness. My plan is to slim down over the next few days. Lots of water, Pepsi Max, coffee, tea and if I must, steamed veggies or salad. I will have to eat at some point, but I want to keep it simple and as low cal as possible. I see a lot of steamed veggies in my immediate future.

Ideally I will be back to 144 by Monday, the 2 month weigh in. I was 146 at the last weigh in, but I"m hoping I have at least lost some inches around me especially in the legs/ass area. If its gained in my gut I'm fine with that for now, it comes of easier.

It's almost summer (raining like it's England right now though...) and I want to be slim by the store opening at the end of summer. So it's time to get back on track.

Thinking of that, one year ago today I was at the Green Day concert. Damn, I loved it. Time of my life, pun intended. I want to go back, but I don't. I sure as hell don't miss the extra 50lbs I carted around. Imagine how fantastic the next 20 or so are going to feel coming off.

I'm also saddened by the riots last night. I get it, they didn't win the cup, but really? A few hooligans had to start some shit and before you know it that beautiful city is caught up in fire fueled madness. I feel bad for the team and I can't stand them. I'd say shame on Vancouver, but it wasn't their fault. Just some assholes that gave the city a terrible name around the world. In this case the right team really did win.

Wish me luck on the road trip and that no one says anything too much about my lack of food :)

FRUSTRATED!!!

I'm fed up of fucking blogger. Why the FUCK can't I post comments. On any blog. At all. I go into the every fucking eternal loop I've bitched about for weeks. FUCK you blogger. Fix the FUCKING problem already. It's been weeks! Why the FUCK can't I comment.

Now that's out, I still don't feel any better.

I binged again today. Big fucking suprise. 144.5 to 149 as of an hour ago. Downed two laxatives, see if that helps. I even managed to gain a bruise from pushing on my stomach so hard to help me purge after.

Didn't go to the gym. Took the day off.

Had a conversation with my boss yesterday after he saw my helmet and biking stuff in my car. He made the comment that I don't do things halfway, I do them all the way. Yeah, except for this. So that needs to stop now. I'm back on the plan to ketosis. No sugar, sugar is EVIL.

Tomorrow, eat as little as possible. Hoping for half a yogurt and salad with tuna then my usual cottage cheese by home time. Puts me around 250 cals (the tuna I got is a bit higher in cals unfortunatly, but I'm almost done it). Hit the gym for a monster workout, try for 3 hours, then home for a cup a soup, 100 cals. Tea and bed coz it will be an early morning on Friday. Water, tea, coffee and a Pepsi Max will be the beverages of choice.

Need to be back to 142 by Sunday. 8 week measurements and weigh in by then.

Now off to find out what the fuck is wrong with blogger.....

Fucking Blogger

Pissing me off. Won't let me comment on anyones blog. I end up in an endless loop of logging in, puting in the code, then logging in again.

OMG I am covered in skeeter bites from yesterday. All up my arms and one right behind my knee that is driving me fucking nuts right now.

I started my day with chocolate and cookies, and that too is how I ended my day. I'm estimating around 1200 cals.

Hit the gym, ran for 15min (felt not too bad!) and did some weights before hitting Zumba. I crashed about halfway though, just died. No energy, hit the wall. Ugh, I hate that feeling. I don't even remember driving home I was so out of it. Ate eggs when I got home and perked up a fair bit. I'm still tired. It's almost 11 so I might load the last of supersize vs superskinny and call it a day.

Back to the group tomorrow so hopefully it will encourage me to eat way less.

Another Weekend

It wasn't too bad though. Yesterday was good, going home and seeing people. I ended up eating too much, I should have just eaten the entire 300cal salad and avoided the trail mix binge but instead I had half the salad and the chocolate. Nothing else all day though, worked out great!

Shopping was awful as always. I tried on some dress pants and they just don't fit around my fat thighs. I'm not going up a size, I just have to shrink faster.

Met with 'S' and it was awesome as usual. We ended up sitting in the parking lot for an hour after just talking. He went to shake my hand after and I laughed at him and gave him a hug instead. I need to do that again. He's awesome to talk to, cracks me up but has a ton to say too.

Drove home laaaaaaaaaaaaaate. Got back around 1130pm. I love driving that late this time of year when I'm more awake. I love that the sky is still so light and it's almost midnight. However, knowing that a car in front of me smashed into a deer at max 5 min previous (I can only assume it was a deer due to the chunks of it and the amount of blood all over the road) and that I was absolutly exhausted and tired made it not as enjoyable as normal.

Got up late, but later service as I went to my boss's church. I liked it. Contempory service instead of the traditional I'm used to, but a lot more people my age, and open minded people about having drums and guitars in a church. I'll be going back methinks, despite being weird that my boss goes there (not my new General Manager, his boss... but still my boss. lol. my work is confusing)

Grabbed some stuff out of storage, hit the grocery store where I bought bad food as well as good food. After adding it all up it was about 1200 cals of nuts, chocolate, and more chocolate, but I think the math is off.... It really wasn't that much, that or I'm deluded. Went out for a bike ride, then came home and ate more crap food (probably about 500 or so cals of garbage). Skipped dinner because of that.

I think about what I've eaten in the last two days. Half a salad, and a bunch of nuts, chocolate, some cookies. I have to be able to do better. Weight wise those foods really aren't much, but it's loaded with sugar and garbage. What if I'd eaten the salad and some tuna and that was all I ate all day? I'm managing this way so why not the other? I was barely in ketosis this morning, doubt I will be tomorrow.

The bike ride was glorious. I went out on some trails, spent about an hour. I'm gonna hurt tomorrow! Speaking of which, tea as usual for breakfast, and yogurt as late as I can handle (only half of course). Salad and tuna for lunch, cottage cheese for later on, and more coffee and pepsi max. Gym for a workout and Zumba, then home for eggs and unloading the 5 boxes I brought home... ugh, I'm so fed up of unpacking. I have until the end of the month to clean out that storage unit.

But I'm exhausted, must post my 365 photos and hit the hay!

Friday's still suck

I was 149 this morning, and will probably be the same tomorrow.

I ate the rest of the chocolate covered peanuts and licroice on the way to work, then pretty much hid my eating from everyone. For some reason I don't want anyone to see me eat. I ate half a yogurt, half my salad, and all of my cottage cheese. Once home I ate scrambled eggs (120cals) and then 4 or 5 cookies, a rice cake, 4 pieces of Lindt chocolate... yeah, so not heading in the right direction here.

But I bought shoes. Hiking shoes, cost me $100, and a shirt for $20. I still need those pants that zip off to shorts (they had some. $55. I need cheaper) and a backpack ($46. Totally buying next paycheck).

I am so screwed for money. I have basically allocated all my money away and it's still pay day. It's the guitar that's not helping, but I HAD to have it. I don't regret it. Just sucks money wise. It should all work out, just need a good bonus and for the lady I live with to give me 7 days extra on next months rent.

I think I'll get it figured out. I just emailed the idiot club to get my money returned to my credit card (I tried to renew my membership but for some reason the payment didn't go through, I didn't renew, but the payment came off my card 3 times for a total of $78.00. I could use that!!!!)

Tomorrow, up by 730, on the road by 830. Glorious massage booked at 11am, meeting the sis to dress shop (fuuuuuuck) at noon. Meet 'S' at 430 at the Y (I'll hopefully be on cardio by 4), pick some stuff up from 'J's house before or after, and hit my friends house to visit her and her kid by 7pm. Hit the road home by 9, or crash at my folks as they're not home, and leave super early on Sunday morning.

Food.... tea and water for the journey down. Try to eat nothing until after the massage, then perhaps a salad from stupidstore (one of the greek ones mmmmm... 300 cals but not bad if that's it for the day). Meet up with the sis and state I'm full, hit the gym and then completely skip everything else in favour of coffee, Pepsi Max, water etc.

Sunday, similar, as well as a trail run. I missed it last week. Also want to hit up the storage unit, get a few boxes, maybe all the dishes out. Time is running out!!!!

But bed time. I've avoided pigging out this evening more than I already have. Hope for no gain by morning.

Waging the war,

And losing the fight.

I ate almost nothing healthy today. I had half my yogurt, half my salad, half a can of sardines, a green tea, and loads of water. I managed a bite or two of my cottage cheese salad too.

Then I ate licorice allsorts, chocolate covered raisins and peanuts, and trial mix.

I'm a fucking failiure.

My stomach is still sticking out. I broke my own rule and measured myself, I've gained on my ass and leg and most certainly my gut.

I took 2 laxatives last night and it helped relieve some issues, but that means my weight now is real, if not falsely higher as it'll be a few days for things to 'build up' again.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

To top it off my boss 'T' insisted we go for a group lunch. I managed to go with only a green tea by saying I had lunch back at the store. Before heading back to the store, we went to check out a meeting room and I grabbed some trail mix (amongst other stuff) and brought the mix inside work where I munched and gave some to 'S', the gal I work with. I then ate too much, waited about 15 min and promtly threw up about half of it. (I did eat half my 'salad', aka half a tin of sardines and half a bowl of lettuce, before eating the trial mix) When 'T' came back later 'S' cracked that she'd seen me eat, and he asked jokingly if I'd gone to the bathroom after. 'S' pointed out I had, and I felt myself warming up. Don't know if I actually went red.

How the fuck do I respond to that? I couldn't. I basically let 'T' ask if I had a problem and asked them to change the subject. I suck at lying. I need some outs.

Hit the gym. Puked at the gym (barely anything). I managed 10 min on the treadmil. I just hate running on them now which sucks as running is awesome for physique. Did an hour of weights and 30 min on the elliptical before pigging out on more chocolate and coming home.

I'm the same weight now as I was this morning, which is good and bad. Thanks to the laxatives I SHOULD be lighter, but I won't lose any overnight. I'll be lucky to be the same weigh in the morning.

Tomorrow I'm having coffee, tea and loads of water. I'll have a half a yogurt, my salad with no fish as I ran out today, and cottage cheese salad, and a Pepsi Max. I have to hit the store to buy hiking boots (and they have an awesome shirt I may buy) and go for a run (thunderstorms be damned!!!!). Eggs for dinner, see if I can use the last of them up for 120 cals, so overall tomorrow should be less than 300.... just in time for Saturday.

I've packed my day pretty good. I should be able to get away with almost no food. I may even have a 'treat' of a booster juice but they're pretty high in carbs so maybe I'll just grab a salad to go somewhere. We'll have to see what I"m forced into with friends etc.

Here's to tomorrow, where hopefully I'll start winning the fight.....

How many times

can I keep failing?

I didn't exactly binge today, but I did yesterday. I also attempted to get rid of it but I couldn't get most of it out. I still ate a lot of garbage food today (and will probably eat a bunch more cookies before bed too....)

I also took some laxatives about 2 hours ago.

Once again tomorrow I start again. I can't wait for my stomach to go flat again.

I almost cried in my muscle pump class I felt so disgusting, and I couldn't get into the Zumba as I could imagine all my fat flopping around.

I do not want bulimia. I don't want that cycle. I don't want binge eating disorder. I don't want to be fat. Garbage food must be my enemy. If it doesn't carry a good nutritional value with low calories and carbs then it's no use. I need to hit ketosis. I can do it over the weekend and keep it going. I have my saturday planned out so I won't need to eat with anyone. I could literally starve all day AND work out with 'S'.

Tomorrow is tea, coffee, water, water, water, salad, yogurt, cottage cheese, and hitting the gym. No shit food. No candy, no chocolate. I'll hit the gym, put in around 2 hours and go home. Sleep, need sleep, and eggs for dinner (coz they expire tomorrow so I need to at least attempt to use a few). If needed, more laxatives tomorrow after the gym just to be sure I'm 'cleaned out' as that's mostly my starting issue.

I'm not going to hit 142 by the weekend, but I have to be under 145 and a flatter stomach.

One step forward, 2 backwards

How I feel things are going some days. I was 148.5lbs this morning, a 3.5lbs loss (thank goodness!) but now I'm 150.0. I binged. I ate chocolate and some marshmallow on cookie things. As in half the packet of them, and a ton of chocolate. Purged a bit, not enough.

Someone at work knows I'm having food issues. I don't work directly with her but we both stayed 3hrs after work to talk and we both needed the download. She said she'd guessed with my Pepsi Max lunch.

No gym. I'm fucking tired. So I lost, but I'll gain by morning. I'll be lucky to hit 149, 7lbs to lose now in 4 days, and I have to start for ketosis all over again. Must hit it by Saturday. Must be 142 by Saturday.

Tomorrow's a late day. Two classes, more cardio and swimming. I'll be home by 10pm so skipping dinner. I'll take a yogurt, salad, maybe sardines (they really stink up the place so maybe not?) cottage cheese and maybe frozen veg. We'll see.... of course there'll be a Starbucks in there too.

Here we go again!!!!

OMFG

Yeah, that's what I said when I got on the scale this morning. 152 fucking pounds of fat.

So I stuck to my food plan for the day, even skimped a bit on 'dinner' which was a plate of veggies. I've had 35g carbs and under 500cals. I'm gonna be hungry tomorrow and may need to take extra 'snacks' in case.

I'm 148.5 (I think I was 150 after?) before I had my veggie dinner. I need 148 by morning. I need 142 by Saturday. Ketosis by Wednesday.

Good night at the gym, had a blast as always at Zumba. 'M' teased me about my exhaustion post I made on FB last week.

Tomorrow I will have my yogurt (only had half today) by noon. At lunch time (teaching the class again) my salad and salmon, pre gym snack the cottage cheese and cukes. Dinner probably eggs. I may take veggies to steam and an extra yogurt in case of emergencies. Hopefully no one brings snacks. Oh, I'll have my Pepsi Max, some crystal light and I'll hit Starbucks before I start....

Damnit, I"M FUCKING DOING THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I'm going back to watching Phil Collins and then Supersize vs Superskinny.

What can I say

That hasn't been said already?

Another weekend, another chance to fuck it all up.

If this mornings weight gain wasn't enough, tomorrows' better be! Fuck.... 4 pancakes, 4 sausages, pizza, mac and cheese, chicken wings, mike & ikes, cookies....

I did purge a few times, but not enough. I feel like I'm 6 months pregnant.

I can't believe I've gained 10lbs in 3 days.

However, I've got no more dinners, lunches, brunches or breakfasts planned anytime soon (there's the ACW brunch next week but my friend isn't going and no one formally invited me.... You have to pay in advance and I don't know where it is so oh well....). Besides, I can't use those as excuses. Those types of events will happen year round and I will have to deal with/avoid them.

Tomorrow I weigh in, weekly again, and will probably have gained 5lbs meaning I have 10 now to lose. Back on low carb and I have to be in ketosis by Wednesday so no room for fuck ups. Heading home on Saturday so I expect to have lost all this weight from the weekend. I need to be back to where I was.

Fat and Plates

I'm fat. I've eaten so much. I've undone all the work from this past week.

I will be lucky to be 145 by monday. Yup, 2 days from now I won't be at my HIGH WEIGHT from last week.

Fuck.

I'm also going to start leaving food on my plate at every meal. No more finishing my plate. Every single meal.

The discussion on bulimia was brought up briefly today after I disappeared for about the fifth time after eating, to yes, purge.

They were pissing around... I hope. Must be more careful in the future.

I feel disgusting. I wish I hadn't eaten. I wish I would have skipped lunch, snacks, and everything else I shoved in my mouth today.

Pancake breakfast tomorrow. Not clearing my plate. Will control what I eat.

I have to learn.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

And fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

142.0 this morning. Lowest so far (not overall, but that was with the old 'unreliable' scales. wonder what I'd be at my old place?)

Then I fucked it up. I ate so damn much. I weighed 145.5 when I got home, then I ate more!!!! I managed to purge a bunch so hoping for 144.0 by morning...

Hiring fair went well. I managed to disappear and purge during the day but not nearly enough. I've so screwed this up.

Did I mention I managed to be in ketosis this morning? Yah, fucked that up now too. I ate so much candy.

Tomorrow the gal was going to bring fruit and veggies. I can eat that. Its low cal, screw the sugars and carbs for the day. i'm not taking lunch. If I can avoid eating lunch it'll all be good. That or I'll have salad again, or way too much coffee.

Skipped the gym, skipping the Zumba for cancer. I'm so fucking tired.

Tomorrow I'm either going to the gym, or going for a run (prefer going for a run). Sunday is the damn pancake breakfast then getting my bookshelves out of storage.

The lady I live with is grossing me out. I can hear her belching from my room while 'Titanic' is booming from the TV. No 'excuse me' or anything. So gross. Also just constantly a doormat. I'm trying to avoid dominating as I feel myself doing. Just basically giving orders. I don't want to do that, indtimidate her in her own house, but it's hard when she just can't stand up for herself at all.

I can't stand weak people.

So why am I so weak? I should be able to control my food issues (as in control the garbage I want to put in my mouth). Ugh... my kidneys hurt, my stomach hurts, I feel disgusting, I am disgusting.

Exhausted

Once more I barely dragged my ass out of bed. I drove to work trying to keep my eyes open and pretty much snapped on the first person that said one sentence that wasn't cautiously pleasant.

I hate being a bitch but damn it feels good some times.

My body is tired, but not as bad as yesterday. Today my mind and eyes were tired. I didn't want to stay awake, couldn't stay alert.

However, it was a productive day at work. I was craving pita bread and m&m peanuts but totally ignored it. Felt damn good.

I should be at 50g carbs and just barely under 600 cals, plus I went to the gym. Did 30mins on the bike and chest, rear delts, shoulders and abs for weights. Only did just shy of 1.5hrs. Ran out of there as I saw lightning but it didn't last very long at all.

Lights are flickering pretty awesomely now, wind picked up, but no lightning or thunder yet.

Soooooo.... 143.5 this morning. Was 143.0 after 'dinner'. I should be 142.5 by morning. As much as I want to go CRAZY and lose a ton, I'm aiming for 142 by Monday morning. Ideally this means I should be 140-141 by Sunday morning as I've got the pancake breakfast Sunday and will end up eating then.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. We've got our career fair, 2 9 hour days where I won't have refrigeration or a microwave. I am still taking my lunch but I don't know if I'll be able to eat it. I don't want to eat with everyone else. Tomorrow is day 3 and I should be hopefully in ketosis by the end of the day.

Fuck I'm tired. I don't understand what's going on at the moment. My Dad is confusing me. I don't understand if he wants me to go do a 16hr round trip drive to drop off a rental car, or what is going on. I'm very confused.

I need sleep.

I probably need food... but I dont' want it.

Small Steps

Today was a good day.... food wise. Meh day otherwise. I've managed 50g carbs (not bad considering my last few days... possibly my lowest day so far), and just over 600 calories. Sugars are well below the limits also. I drank 2L of water and perhaps had too much caffiene. (one Venti Americano, one pepsi max, one cup of tea and another one shortly). I was 144.0 this morning. I'm 144.5 right now, 2 hrs before bed. I should, hopefully, be at 143.5 by morning.

So, day one should be in the bag. I have 2 more days to hit ketosis, one day in ketosis, and then unfortunatly I will fuck it up with the breakfast on Sunday.

I skipped the gym today. I was so exhausted. I woke up tired. I could feel it in my limbs. Just getting out of bed was hard and by the time I got in my car I was ready to go back to bed. Tonight, asleep by midnight, if not earlier. I also almost pulled my calf as I was leaving work. 3 days in heels have hurt a bit. Tomorrow it's flats for the day, and the gym after. Still have to find out about the Friday Zumba thing. I guess at this point it depends on money.

I got my oil changed coz I had to. It was already past due but damn I'm broke! Something came off my credit card, I don't know what yet as it's not updated, but I bet it was my old gym. Bastards. I will get to call and yell at them tomorrow.

And now the lady I live with is changing the millions of calendars she has in the house to the new month. Seriously and obsession. There's even one in the bathroom! There's TWO in the storage area!!!! BAH!!!! OMG I am such a loner.....

So, still need to organize the money situation. I need to make it to August. I need to buy the items I need for the hike, pay for the potential camping trip with my friend, and then that's it. I'll get bonus sometime in July and I MUST pay off my glasses, computer etc. They've got the highest interest so the first to be paid off.

Oh it will be good to be debt free.... if I can ever get there.

But, today was a small step. I managed a lower carb. Tomorrow needs to be the same or lower, and have a workout too. No exception as I may not have chance on Friday. Day one is down, day two needs to work.