Aw crap....

I'm home.... At least my old home. I got here yesterday, went for a dinner with my friend (Boston Pizza and their 310 calorie salmon and salad dish) and spent about 4 hours talking over some pretty heavy stuff. She's pretty sure she's gay, but has a husband and kid. I'm the first person that's close to her that she's told and I told her that i"m here for support.

Today after getting my car half fixed (the other half will cost $1000 and will take much longer so I'm doing it at the end of the month when I have time and the money) and having coffee with my old boss I went to work out at Shane's new gym.

He pulls me into the office and asks how things are going. I know something is wrong. He asks me how I'm doing with food and I know he's figured it out. He wanted to know how, why, when. He said to start at the beginning which I couldn't do. He said my thoughts and behaviours are screaming eating disorder to him and I need to get help. He's told me to get someone to remove my scale, and seek a counseller. He said that I'm in a cycle. I binge therefore I starve until something snaps, and I know it'll be my health. He said I need to get to a point where I can eat 1200 calories a day, every day, which will help with the binging. I need to stay away from foods that are 'bad' for me, like chocolate, cakes etc, the stuff that I binge upon.

I cry.

He's nice about the whole thing, which makes it worse. I don't know if he feels bad or responsible which would make me feel horrible. I told him I do it as I want to be skinny, that I still feel fat, that I don't see what I've done and accomplised in the last year, the difference in weight.

We still worked out, we went to his place after. He fed my crackers, knowing that I'd only eaten oatmeal all day.

I did have dinner with my dad, we went to an Ethiopian place that I love.

I'm 149.0 this morning, up from 148.2 this morning. Still on track and ahead of schedule.

I still plan on dropping the pounds. I need to hit the gym more, like he said 2 times from mon to fri and once on the weekend. I can run/ride the other days until the weather gets bad, then hook up my windtrainer (I clip my old roadbike to it and its like a stationary bike, but my bike and no fancy gadgets). I need to, as he states, control the binging. I can't be around chocolate but I must allow myself the carbs and natural sugars on occasion.

Will I hit 1200 calories? No. Maybe one day a week, I'll call it my higher day. I used to do it all the time as it was my saturday night when i delivered pizza and had one personal pizza that night. I always dropped that weight and more by Monday.

I need to get in control of it. I'm not anymore. I have no boundaries, no rules. It's just binge and attempt to restrict, watching a number on the scale.

I don't want to disappoint him, but I must lose the fat first.