Fuckin Perfect

I wasn't aiming for perfection. I wanted thinner. I thought 140 would be an awesome goal to aspire for and didn't think I'd get there. Hitting 150 was a huge accomplisment, especially as people started asking questions around then, questionning if I was eating enough, working out too much...

I passed 140 at one point. I actually got into the 130's. According to that scale. Not sure I believe those numbers now.

I've binged and bounced around these last few months and while that has gone shit, my life has fallen apart a bit. I've struggled at work, been cranky, not getting things done, failing. My personal life hasn't been great. I'm even more alone than normal. I come home, I don't talk to the lady I live with. I don't hang out with friends. I don't go out. I haven't even been to the gym in 2 weeks.

I miss my friends back at home, but only some of them. I really miss a few.

I don't know how close I got to losing my job in the past few weeks, but there's been talk. I sat down with my boss today and he discussed it. I tried not to cry, and while I got upset, I didn't actually cry. I'm sill not happy with the way some things have gone down but I can vent my frustration here and not at work. He wants the me he's heard so much about to come back, I do too. Today was a return to that me, the more perfect me.

The me that doesn't yell at people for stupid little things. The me that has the answers, who controls the crowd. The me that people listen to, they come to me because they know I have the right answer, not some bullshit one.The one that can be depended upon. The one in control. The perfect one.

I'm still sick. I still have the cold. Massive overdose on vitamins last night helped but I'm still a bit stuffed up and have no voice but I think I managed to avoid the cough. Skipped the gym again tonight, but going back tomorrow. Got Zumba and the Muscle Pump class. I'll be out till 9. First real workout in 2 weeks.

However I need to step it up. I checked out some of the workouts on bodyrock.tv and have a few ideas. I'm hoping I can do some of them tomorrow morning before I shower. This way I can do a good workout, heavy on the core, and a quick workout before going to work, then hit the gym later on. I envision lots of running in my future.

Where am I going with this?

There's so many blogs, posts, threads out there going on about the quest for perfection, the drive to be perfect. I never wanted perfect. I just wanted thinner. Now I want thin because it is perfect. I don't eat, things go better. I have control. Life ticks along almost the way I want it to.

You know that song by Pink, Fuckin Perfect? That's where todays blog title comes from. It's totally about the opposite of what I want. The song is saying you are perfect, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Why is the opposite of what I want is the song stuck in my head?

I don't feel like I make sense, even to me. I can only say that today was good. It wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but it was a giant leap in the right direction. Tomorrow will be better. I ate probably close to 350 cals today, maybe less. No chocolate, only real sugar was the strawberry I ate. No candy. No nothing bad. It feels great.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt some of the exercises from the website in the morning then head into work by 9am (or earlier). At work, no food until at least 2pm, save the yogurt for the pre gym snack. Of course being perfect at work. Hitting the gym for Zumba, try to stay for the muscle pump if I'm up for it. I should be ok though.

I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm trying to be me, with a grain of perfection in there.