Ah, Monday

Today was a good day, again. I ate quite a bit, but it wasn't too bad. 146.5 this morning. I had my half an oatmeal, salad, 5 m&m peanuts, half a yogurt, a souvlaki thingy from Opa (chicken, salad and pita bread) and then hit the gym.

It was fucking roasting today.33C!!!! Zumba had me soaked and I don't sweat! (to clarify, no beads of sweat, I was just fairly damp. I almost took off my top layer... I wear two shirts, a sleeveless sports top and a very thin almost sleeveless top over that. Did a leg workout, maybe 2hrs total?

Hit Stupidstore on the way home for a collared shirt for golfing tomorrow. Ended up with almond bark, caramel balls, and trail mix...Ate all of that and then couldn't finish my soup. I was 147.5 pre soup, no idea what I am now.

I'm meeting with a potential new trainer tomorrow. He knows the Zumba instructor (she reccomended it) who knows about my food issues. She told me I have to tell him, up front, and he may or may not take me on due to that.

What do I say? I binge, I purge, I hate that I do either. I restrict, I over exercise, I don't eat at times, I can't stop myself at others. I hate my body, I hate the way I look, I will never be thin enough. I will always find fat.

I want to do this. I want to do this fairly rightly. I want to get my eating under control and lose weight smartly and gain muscle. If I can get to 130 by doing it the proper way I'd be content (but for how long?).

I'm terrified. I don't know what he'll say. I don't want to hear that he won't take me on, that I can't do this, that he doesn't reccomend I do this. What do I do then?

6pm tomorrow. I'll find out.

I haven't told Shane either. I feel terrible, almost like I'm cheating on him. Even though we have no idea if he's going to be training again, and is it really practical for me to be driving 2hrs south every month to see him? How efffective is that?

I miss him. I miss his friendship, his advice, his humour. I miss seeing him. I miss just being around him.

Fuck. I'm useless.