Damn it!

I feel a little crazy tonight. Only a little though...

I woke up on time, got out of bed late. Made it to work aout 10min late but no one noticed or cared. Got straight to business and in no time it was 10am, tea was finished and I was working on a delicious french vanilla roast black coffee...

By 1:30 my boss decided he needed some chocolate to settle his stomach and before I could really comprehend what I was doing the two of us ate one of those cheap chocolate walmart bunnies and fuck it tasted awful. I had my salad and one yogurt followed by two handfulls of Mike & Ikes.

Fuck

I then proceeded to work until 7:15pm so I guess being 10min late was nothing given I stayed an extra 4 fucking hours. No gym but my friend and I went for a walk for somewhere around an hour. She walks slower so I can't exactly say it was a brisk walk but I didnt have dinner so theres one victory!!!

The downfall was that chocolate proved ultimatly victorious as I ate a bunch when I got back home. I have no idea how much I ate, but I've had about 100 cals of 'real food' with a 100 cal of black natural licorice (figured I should lay off the ex-lax....)

But fuck it, whatever. I can't have had more than 500-600 cals of chocolate and I can deal with that for one fucking day.

Work pissed me off. I'm annoyed and fed up of dealing with all the shit from the previous manager. I'm also fed up of people just asking me to 'take care' of tasks. How about you do it for once? Fuck, whatever. I just don't care right now.

Talking to a friend today and I'm all wound up in my head. I'm fed up of being fat, of being me. I mean, I like who I am, but not in this shell. Time for me to change again. I need the 'new' me. Skinny me. I'll be happy then. I want to have people asking how I stay so slim, I liked having people comment on how skinny I was getting. Yeah, sure, when I drop 40 or so pounds I sure look slimmer but I'm still FAT. I don't look forward to the nagging but whatever. I want skinny jeans this summer!!!!

I can't even say I've got a plan. I've got a GW and an UGW. Sure, they're not too crazy, at least not now. I'm not saying I want to be 99lbs but what I do want I haven't been since I was about 12 ( I was a fat kid). Who knows, once I get there it will probably change (especially given that my original GW was 140 and I hit that and wasn't happy)

GW: 125 - BMI of 20.8

UGW: 119 - BMI of 19.8

I started again on Monday at a nice post Easter binge fat weight of 154.2lbs. Fuck.

Today I was 151.0lbs.

First goal is to hit 145, preferably by Saturday or Sunday morning.

Second goal is to get to 140 again.

I laid out some rewards a few posts ago, but I need to change those.

Nothing until 140.0, then I need a new gym shirt (I may need one sooner just coz I can't do laundry as often, but it will be cheap to get me by.) Once I hit that, another reward to follow.

Tomorrow, meeting and it goes all day so they'll try to fucking feed us. I'm hoping they'll let us run around on our own and I'll claim I have to hit a bank or something, grab a Starbucks and call it even. Hitting the gym, Zumba and Muscle Tone class from 7-9 and got to do a good workout before. Maybe legs? Coz I didnt go today I've got to do legs on Friday as I'm doing arms on Sat... maybe do shoulders tomorrow?

I'll see...

I'm feeling slightly less crazy now though... perhaps I just need sleep.