Waging the war,

And losing the fight.

I ate almost nothing healthy today. I had half my yogurt, half my salad, half a can of sardines, a green tea, and loads of water. I managed a bite or two of my cottage cheese salad too.

Then I ate licorice allsorts, chocolate covered raisins and peanuts, and trial mix.

I'm a fucking failiure.

My stomach is still sticking out. I broke my own rule and measured myself, I've gained on my ass and leg and most certainly my gut.

I took 2 laxatives last night and it helped relieve some issues, but that means my weight now is real, if not falsely higher as it'll be a few days for things to 'build up' again.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

To top it off my boss 'T' insisted we go for a group lunch. I managed to go with only a green tea by saying I had lunch back at the store. Before heading back to the store, we went to check out a meeting room and I grabbed some trail mix (amongst other stuff) and brought the mix inside work where I munched and gave some to 'S', the gal I work with. I then ate too much, waited about 15 min and promtly threw up about half of it. (I did eat half my 'salad', aka half a tin of sardines and half a bowl of lettuce, before eating the trial mix) When 'T' came back later 'S' cracked that she'd seen me eat, and he asked jokingly if I'd gone to the bathroom after. 'S' pointed out I had, and I felt myself warming up. Don't know if I actually went red.

How the fuck do I respond to that? I couldn't. I basically let 'T' ask if I had a problem and asked them to change the subject. I suck at lying. I need some outs.

Hit the gym. Puked at the gym (barely anything). I managed 10 min on the treadmil. I just hate running on them now which sucks as running is awesome for physique. Did an hour of weights and 30 min on the elliptical before pigging out on more chocolate and coming home.

I'm the same weight now as I was this morning, which is good and bad. Thanks to the laxatives I SHOULD be lighter, but I won't lose any overnight. I'll be lucky to be the same weigh in the morning.

Tomorrow I'm having coffee, tea and loads of water. I'll have a half a yogurt, my salad with no fish as I ran out today, and cottage cheese salad, and a Pepsi Max. I have to hit the store to buy hiking boots (and they have an awesome shirt I may buy) and go for a run (thunderstorms be damned!!!!). Eggs for dinner, see if I can use the last of them up for 120 cals, so overall tomorrow should be less than 300.... just in time for Saturday.

I've packed my day pretty good. I should be able to get away with almost no food. I may even have a 'treat' of a booster juice but they're pretty high in carbs so maybe I'll just grab a salad to go somewhere. We'll have to see what I"m forced into with friends etc.

Here's to tomorrow, where hopefully I'll start winning the fight.....